In shock...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Why is this so hard? Today is a day I feel like giving up and just letting him go.

PIGA,

I'm sorry; I know this hurts, and that doesn't even begin to describe it. It does get better, that I promise you.

I wanted to comment on the above, b/c it's important:

"Giving up" -- NO

"Letting him go" -- YES

They are NOT the same.

You need to let him (and his decisions, poor and selfish as they are right not) go, and GIVE HIM TO GOD. Literally, just pray "Here, you take him -- I have done my best." DB would call that "dropping the rope." But it DOESN'T mean you're giving up, it just means you're detaching yourself from his choices, in order to protect yourself emotionally.

Does that make sense?

It was probably THE hardest thing for me to do, and it took me MONTHS to get there. And I will never forget where I was, or what I was doing when I did it. I was mowing the lawn, praying (more like pouring my heart out to God), tears STREAMING DOWN MY FACE, and I just . . . let her go.

I told Him "I have done my best, Lord, you know that. She is yours now -- please love her, and protect her, and don't give up on her. I will wait as long as I can, but I realize now that I CAN'T CONTROL HER, and I can't say any combination of words or do any combination of actions that will bring her back to us."

And then, in my spirit's eye, I just laid her at the foot of the Cross.

btw, we are back together.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thank you Trent. I appreciate the time you took to respond to me today.

I have to figure out a way to maintain the positive attitude even when I have all negativity bouncing around me.

I'm pretty sure that's what The Big Guy is for.

[praying_in_GA]

Puppy....you made me cry!

It is so hard. It makes even harder with my kids running around here as constant little reminders of the family we used to be.

I wrote earlier about having to put on a play. That play will have to extend to when I am in front of my daughter too. She tells her Daddy "Mommy was crying again today" and "Mommy says her prayer to Jesus that you will come home to us." She is a little spy in his life. haha!

I have never prayed as often or as hard as I have these last 2 1/2 weeks. When things get hard and all I want to do is curl in a ball and sob, I hit my knees and pray. I am full to the brim of guilt over the whole thing. YES, he should have communicated better with me. But, I could have taken it upon myself to become a better person while we were still 'us'.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ok, I just had a lengthy convo with my sister. I told her how betrayed I felt and how hurt I am that she is talking with him so much. I explained how I felt about our separation and how I want to proceed. I told her I was very angry at the thought that she was spewing negativity to him because that is what she says to me when we talk about it.

She said she is sorry to hurt me. She said they don't always talk about the separation, they are just having friendly conversation. (They were good friends before he and I started dating) She said she is not telling him to leave. She tells me to get over him and let him go because she doesn't want to see me hanging around for years waiting on something that might never happen. She doesn't want me to put everything on hold for him.

I explained my outlook on things right now and how I was not sitting here waiting for him. I have a plan of action and I am trying to implement it. I would appreciate less family involvement while we work on things. I discussed my feelings on where things went wrong with us and how I see the breakdown from my side. (at this point, if she takes it back to him this would actually be good. he won't listen to me when i tried to explain these things)

I told her that I am giving him his space. I am allowing him time to really think about his decision because it is going to affect a lot of people for the rest of our lives. I told her I feel like crap for looking at the phone records but that when everyone around me is telling me he is cheating it puts doubt in my heart. She expressed her inability to see him as a cheater, which I wholeheartedly agree with. If it weren't for so many people putting the doubt there it wouldn't have been so prevalent in my mind.

I also told her that I question her motives in talking to him and started to wonder if she were the other woman in his life. She did not jump defensively and did not have a huge reaction to that. She said she was not interested in seeing us apart. She wants us to work out, but she does not want to be my cheerleader in case it ends up hurting me in the end. She thought she was being a good sister by doing things this way.

I also told her I felt like she was his spy. I felt like anything I do or say would get back to him in a timely fashion. She denied that but said that he does ask how I am and how things are going with me and the kids. I asked her to keep any and all conversation about our separation limited to positive phrases and encouragement.

All in all, I feel better. While I do feel she was holding some of their conversation topics back from me, I cannot control what they talk about or do. I can only control myself and right now I am going to let this one go. I have set my boundaries for the situation but I cannot enforce them with her. I will watch everything I say and do around her now so that I can limit the information she can carry back to him.

I have not talked to him about it yet. I don't know what to say or where to go with the conversation. I know he initiated the contact once in the two weeks they have been speaking. That was after our spat about me having to do it all while he got to sleep in and didn't have to take care of the kids. Other than that it has been her initiating the contact.

I do not 100% trust her and I will continue to be wary of her actions throughout this separation. For now I will focus on the plan of action I have found and continue to work on me and my kids.

PIGA,

This was good -- I'm glad you did it. It was important for you to state your boundaries, and that took a lot of courage.

Now . . . having done it . . . proceed with your sister "as if" they are having at least an inappropriate relationship, and that she is NOT a friend to your marriage. To you, yes, I think she loves you, but I don't think you can count on her to support your marriage and your stand for it right now.

For the record (and this is just my gut) I think they are probably in the beginnings of an EA, and may be confused themselves about their feelings for each other. It could also be more on one side than on the other, but it really doesn't make any difference -- just BE CAREFUL. Because this is EXACTLY how deep, emotionally-attached, full-blown physical affairs start. Nearly 100% of people who got caught up in them report later things like "We didn't plan for this to happen. We were just friends, just trying to support each other, and be there for each other."

Puppy

[praying_in_GA]

Ok, I can see your point Puppy. I will proceed with caution with her. Like I said, as far as she knows I am just giving him space and working on myself. She knows I have anger issues so that is what I am working on.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I wake up every morning, look over at our wedding picture and realize that it is my fault he left. Then I look down at my two kids asleep next to me and think of how much I have screwed their life up but my inability to a good wife.

Bullshit.

STOP IT. Yes, you contributed to the dysfunction in the marriage, and I assume you've owned up to that -- with your husband and with God. But that does NOT give him the right to have an affair, or -- even if he's not -- to simply give up and CUT AND RUN on his marriage and his two children!

You know this.

Stop the martyr thing; it's not attractive. Yes, it is PERFECTLY NORMAL to have FLEETING THOUGHTS like that -- I had dozens (hundreds?) of them. But don't TAKE OWNERSHIP of them; they are a lie straight from the pit of Hell and the mouth of the enemy.

Don't MAKE me come over there and b*tchslap you, PIGA.

Puppy

[praying_in_GA]

Ok, I am now on Chapter seven. Should I go ahead and read this chapter? It says I have been at this a while, and I am an utter failure so far.

[sdharrell74]

I wanted to come here and let you know that your husband sounds a lot like mine. Mine has not said that he doesnt love me. In fact he says he does. He says he doesnt want a divorce and that he doesnt want to leave. Do I believe him? Not so sure. I feel like he is scared to speak the truth. He has said that everything is all about me in our relationship. Not quite sure how he can think that way as I have done so much for him. He says that everything that I want I get and he doesnt get to do what he wants. I am so sorry that you are also in this situation. Sending love and prayers your way.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I wanted to come here and let you know that your husband sounds a lot like mine. Mine has not said that he doesnt love me. In fact he says he does. He says he doesnt want a divorce and that he doesnt want to leave. Do I believe him? Not so sure. I feel like he is scared to speak the truth. He has said that everything is all about me in our relationship. Not quite sure how he can think that way as I have done so much for him. He says that everything that I want I get and he doesnt get to do what he wants. I am so sorry that you are also in this situation. Sending love and prayers your way.

ENTITLEMENT. It's running rampant, as it usually does in these situations.

Puppy

[notagoodlistener]

Hi, I just want you to know that I'm following your thread and hoping the best things for you. I've been reading along and can't offer up the expertise some of the others have, but you are getting some great help.

I will say that on the EA front, Puppy basically could have been sitting in the room with my W and I whe we talked about the A because that is what happened. Old friend, sympathetic with his own issues, bouncing feelings off each other, turned into an EA and led to a drunken hook up when W had convinced herself our M was over and we were not together anymore. I think you read my thread so I'll leave it at that, but just tread lightly. Not meant to scare you, meant to prepare you.

I was not a good husband and am working to change that. BUT, you can't take it all on your shoulders. Listen to Puppy.

Read the entire book. Then read it again. I forget if you are reading DR or DB. I had DR and think Ch. 7 was taking stock or something like that. You need to figure out what does and does not work.

Also, and last point, don't believe everything your WAH says. Believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see is the saying I think that gets thrown around here. My W said alot of things and contradicted herself all the time. Just listen, validate, and understand that they are in a fog too. Don't call him out on any contradictions because it will only make him mad right now.