Yes, I am tempted to just make this change and then wait a month or so before proceeding with anything else. I know that she is not in a rush. We are headed to her families house for T-day, and she wants to keep that. She doesn't want to tell her family or our kids any time soon. She wants to try to make Christmas as normal and happy for the kids as possible.
I'm not in a hurry to d. I just want out of this cold war limboland we are in.
The change to no sleeping together no physical affection will be an interesting one. It will allow me to be more relaxed, and at the same time will test me. My LL is strongly PA, so my natural inclination is to show affection first and primarily in this way. It's what drives me crazy when sleeping next to her. It's also why it throws me for such a loop when she initiates hugs, snuggles, sex, etc.
It is actually a chance to get to know her again without the Physical aspects, and an opportunity for me to learn the other LL's better. It may go either direction.
Neither of these discussions has been a fight. It has been more of a "Let's own up and together admit that our R is where it is". Outside of these discussions, our R is actually pretty polite, cooperative and pleasant - just distant and not affectionate.
So the question would then be now that I have declared my desire to press forward with mediation toward D, how agressively do I pursue it?
Last edited by Thinker; 11/10/0906:34 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Take it sloooowww. It takes a long time to process these things.
You should tell the kids something, just a little, but something. Kids are perceptive and they probably already know something is going on. They will wonder why you are sleeping in separate rooms. Just let them know everything is OK, you both still love them, nothing is their fault, and they will not be left behind.
Stay strong.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
In response to "What do you want?" she responded "I want to be married to someone who makes me happy."
I get this same comment as well - they think it is someone else's job to make them happy. If she listed at Retrouvaille she would have heard that love is a choice, and therefore happiness from your M is implicitly a choice too if you have a partner who is also giving to the relationship. My W's response to this was "I don't want to have to CHOOSE anything" In other words, it should just happen without any work. Also, when they are in an A it may seem ridiculous to have to make this choice when they are so 'happy' with OM I figure.
I like your list of positives about having your bed/room to yourself. My W moved out of our bedroom almost 6 months ago and all these things are definitely true and I try to focus on them. I have become a watch-tv-in-bed person, and I never used to do that because W used to go to bed early.
Last edited by tryingtilDorR; 11/11/0912:23 AM.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Although I think the EA in my sitch is over, I do know that she is still in occasional contact with him (he responds to things she posts online, etc.) I don't see any evidence that the A is ongoing, but I think it still impacts her thinking in just the way you describe - if "just happened" then something that requires a choice and work is unnatural.
She claims to have been trying to make the r work, but explicitely rejects making a choice or doing any sort of exercize aimed at increasing emotions.
I need to avoid thinking about this stuff however, as it goes in the direction of blame, and when I start blaming her I get resentful. Resent only gets me to bad places.
I know she is not doing any of this to hurt me. She is doing what she is capable of and is on her own journey. Right now I need to focus on my own.
I am hoping that having space from her sleeping in a different room will help me with that.
Last edited by Thinker; 11/11/0912:38 AM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I heard the same thing that "doing the work" was...well...too much work.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
So the D is on the table, you have detached pretty far away, the Holidays are coming up, and her Mom is battling cancer.
Do you really believe love is a choice? You now have the choice to love without expectation, practice true giving and make yourself stronger. This is a opportunity to thrive. You are being watched still. Handle this like a warrior. Strength and Honor.
We are all going out for a beer on Veterans Day later.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
