Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Mishka, I have the girls tomorrow night and then this weekend.

It's my lack of patience talking. Every time we talk I wait for some kind of change in her inflection or tone. Anything. And when I don't hear it I get down. So obviously my detachment still isn't there.

At least I've learned to keep a good tone and just listen on the phone and not jump in and force a relationship talk. It's been six weeks since I did that.

The next step is consistently being able to handle seeing her.

On the positive side. D7 got her report card. This is the troubled child with ADHD who is in her fifth school in four years. This year she finally got into a program that understands her issues.

It's just second grade so no letter grades. She got all Ps (progressing), Ss (satisfactory) and five Es (exceeds grade level). No dreaded Ns (not at grade level).

She's off her ADHD meds now and I gave her a big high five. No matter what happens between W and I, I can now dream of D7's college graduation.

[ClingingToHope]

Next report. D10 called. Two A's, four B's and one C. Not bad. She is in the gifted program and can do better, but she's proud of herself.

[motherof3]

At least I've learned to keep a good tone and just listen on the phone and not jump in and force a relationship talk. It's been six weeks since I did that.

The next step is consistently being able to handle seeing her.

I too have learned to keep up the detachment type front when I speak with H over the phone. However, I am not 100% there either when seeing him in person. I haven't yet mastered this in face to face conversations. I am getting better at it, but still have a ways to go.

[awest1217]

Face to face is the hardest because when you see the face it just melts all that you learned to do. It all goes out the window and the old ways are so easy to go back to because they are so comfortable. We have to remember that if it hasn't worked in the past it still won't work.

Good job on the no R talk for six weeks. That is an accomplishment, and good job to the girls on their grades!

[Gardener]

Face to face is the hardest because when you see the face it just melts all that you learned to do. It all goes out the window and the old ways are so easy to go back to because they are so comfortable. We have to remember that if it hasn't worked in the past it still won't work.

When I'm expecting wife's presence (which is, oh, once every 6-8 weeks at this point), I try to prepare and rehearse a script, a topic I will lead with and prepare replies and non-replies for possible/probable things she'll come out of left field with.
Doesn't always work, but at least I'm centered when she arrives.
FWIW
Keep going.

[ClingingToHope]

Hey, today is my six-month anniversary of being separated. Pity party starting in five minutes.

Had a long talk with a friend last night who, I'm afraid, in the same boat as I was six and a half months ago.

He and his wife have been married about the same time as us (14 years to my 13 1/2). They have a 12-year-old son.

From the outside, it's a great marriage. Two good careers. Big, beautiful house on a hill. Loving families on both sides. No fights. They just buried resentments and disappointments because that's what they saw growing up. Both sets of parents stayed together. Marriage should be easy.

But for years they tried to have more kids. They went through fertility treatments -- the whole bit.

Things I did not know. They discussed adoption. My friend's wife really wanted to do it. My friend did not. Turns out now that she really felt he wasn't there for her during that time.

Finally, two years ago they gave up all the efforts -- adoption or treatments. And about that time she became unhappy. She decided to make major changes in life -- and that unfortunately meant changes without him.

My friend did everything you are not supposed to do. Call, texted, gifts, romantic getaways. He tried all the things that worked when they were younger.

Instead, she wants to move out now. Today. Tell their son that it's over.

He's trying to talk her into staying through the holidays for their son's sake.

He also said, and I've been friends with him for years and was in his wedding, that he's suffered from anxiety attacks for several years and every time W talks about leaving they come back. He's a real mess.

I told him that I didn't know it was that far gone and that now, every time he talks about holding on for a little longer, it's probably making things worse. She sees him as clingy and no longer sees the man she fell in love with.

She can't start missing him while he's still there. He has to let her go and hold himself together for the sake of the son -- who apparently is showing the same kinds of anxiety issues.

The fact I didn't know these things doesn't say much for me. I haven't been a very good friend because I've been so wrapped up in my own issues. Another strange point. Of my three best friends growing up, three of us are going to be divorced. Only one has managed to keep his marriage together.

It was a long talk and I'm very worried for him. I can see how far I've come, but that's a little depressing because I'm still not "happy."

[Coach]

Face to face is the hardest because when you see the face it just melts all that you learned to do. It all goes out the window and the old ways are so easy to go back to because they are so comfortable. We have to remember that if it hasn't worked in the past it still won't work.

180 that. Face to face is a chance to shine. Show-off, get your groove on, be mojolicious and on. In person is sensual - involves all the senses - smell, look, feel, hear and taste. Embrace it and thrive in those encounters. Always have a exit stategy. Handle it.

[awest1217]

I am sorry to hear about your friend, but now is a good chance to help him before it gets too bad. Also remember, none of you is divorced yet. There is still time. It looks dim right now, but you have to stay positive. Nothing has been finalized and from what I have read many people on here have had the divorces stalled and then worked it out. Have faith.

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks Awest. They say the only thing that can really heal things is time and I can second that. Seeing the pain my friend is in and realizing that I have made it six months has given me good perspective.

I don't know why but I feel really, really, really good today.

I wonder where I'll be in six months. I'm thinking of perhaps taking trips for our wedding anniversary (April 27) and Mother's Day (the night I moved out).

Nothing elaborate. Perhaps a baseball game in Chicago with friends and maybe Minnesota to see my sister.

Life goes on whether you want it to or not.

[awest1217]

That sounds awesome! You really are starting to think positive and that is good. Sometimes seeing where you have come really makes you happy because you have come a long way. It is just hard to realize.