In shock...

[Lll54]

Sounds like a good plan...

[praying_in_GA]

It just kills me to consider saying that when I am not ready to let him go. I mean, I will do what you and the book tell me to do because...well, what else could I do? Nothing else has worked. I am just so scared of his reaction to me 'moving on' and 'letting him go'. That is what he wants (or says he wants). What if he is relieved I am letting him go find is 'love' somewhere else?

He says he is ready to file the papers but is waiting so he can be 100% sure but then he says he is pretty sure we are done along with the good ole 'we both know where this is going'. Talk about making my head spin. I don't know what he wants!!

I wish I could scrape the $$$ together for a phone coach. I don't even have money for Christmas right now though.

[praying_in_GA]

Oh, we barely have any contact as it is. I speak to him once a day 4 days a week so he can tell the kids goodnight. The other three days a week I see him for 10 min before I leave for work when he arrives 'home' to watch the kids. I call the kids once or twice before bed and might speak to him for a min or two. Then I see him the next morning for 5 min while he is tying his shoes to leave for work. Other than that, all contact is gone.

Me backing off and removing myself from him would be nothing new in the current situation.

[praying_in_GA]

Ok, I just had a lengthy convo with my sister. I told her how betrayed I felt and how hurt I am that she is talking with him so much. I explained how I felt about our separation and how I want to proceed. I told her I was very angry at the thought that she was spewing negativity to him because that is what she says to me when we talk about it.

She said she is sorry to hurt me. She said they don't always talk about the separation, they are just having friendly conversation. (They were good friends before he and I started dating) She said she is not telling him to leave. She tells me to get over him and let him go because she doesn't want to see me hanging around for years waiting on something that might never happen. She doesn't want me to put everything on hold for him.

I explained my outlook on things right now and how I was not sitting here waiting for him. I have a plan of action and I am trying to implement it. I would appreciate less family involvement while we work on things. I discussed my feelings on where things went wrong with us and how I see the breakdown from my side. (at this point, if she takes it back to him this would actually be good. he won't listen to me when i tried to explain these things)

I told her that I am giving him his space. I am allowing him time to really think about his decision because it is going to affect a lot of people for the rest of our lives. I told her I feel like crap for looking at the phone records but that when everyone around me is telling me he is cheating it puts doubt in my heart. She expressed her inability to see him as a cheater, which I wholeheartedly agree with. If it weren't for so many people putting the doubt there it wouldn't have been so prevalent in my mind.

I also told her that I question her motives in talking to him and started to wonder if she were the other woman in his life. She did not jump defensively and did not have a huge reaction to that. She said she was not interested in seeing us apart. She wants us to work out, but she does not want to be my cheerleader in case it ends up hurting me in the end. She thought she was being a good sister by doing things this way.

I also told her I felt like she was his spy. I felt like anything I do or say would get back to him in a timely fashion. She denied that but said that he does ask how I am and how things are going with me and the kids. I asked her to keep any and all conversation about our separation limited to positive phrases and encouragement.

All in all, I feel better. While I do feel she was holding some of their conversation topics back from me, I cannot control what they talk about or do. I can only control myself and right now I am going to let this one go. I have set my boundaries for the situation but I cannot enforce them with her. I will watch everything I say and do around her now so that I can limit the information she can carry back to him.

I have not talked to him about it yet. I don't know what to say or where to go with the conversation. I know he initiated the contact once in the two weeks they have been speaking. That was after our spat about me having to do it all while he got to sleep in and didn't have to take care of the kids. Other than that it has been her initiating the contact.

I do not 100% trust her and I will continue to be wary of her actions throughout this separation. For now I will focus on the plan of action I have found and continue to work on me and my kids.

[motherof3]

All in all, I feel better. While I do feel she was holding some of their conversation topics back from me, I cannot control what they talk about or do. I can only control myself and right now I am going to let this one go. I have set my boundaries for the situation but I cannot enforce them with her. I will watch everything I say and do around her now so that I can limit the information she can carry back to him.

Very good. You are 100% correct to be focusing only on things that you can control. Focus on you.

[praying_in_GA]

All in all, I feel better. While I do feel she was holding some of their conversation topics back from me, I cannot control what they talk about or do. I can only control myself and right now I am going to let this one go. I have set my boundaries for the situation but I cannot enforce them with her. I will watch everything I say and do around her now so that I can limit the information she can carry back to him.

Very good. You are 100% correct to be focusing only on things that you can control. Focus on you.

I think this will be my new mantra.

[TrentC]

Ok, I just had a lengthy convo with my sister. I told her how betrayed I felt and how hurt I am that she is talking with him so much. I explained how I felt about our separation and how I want to proceed. I told her I was very angry at the thought that she was spewing negativity to him because that is what she says to me when we talk about it.

She said she is sorry to hurt me. She said they don't always talk about the separation, they are just having friendly conversation. (They were good friends before he and I started dating) She said she is not telling him to leave. She tells me to get over him and let him go because she doesn't want to see me hanging around for years waiting on something that might never happen. She doesn't want me to put everything on hold for him.

This is where my handy speech would come in...

I explained my outlook on things right now and how I was not sitting here waiting for him. I have a plan of action and I am trying to implement it. I would appreciate less family involvement while we work on things. I discussed my feelings on where things went wrong with us and how I see the breakdown from my side. (at this point, if she takes it back to him this would actually be good. he won't listen to me when i tried to explain these things)

What happened to this?

I will not go in-depth with anyone but you all and the counselor.

Why are you laying this all out to someone that you have said that you can't trust? She is interfering with your marriage and needs to be told to butt out.

You have no idea what she's going to tell your husband. Hells bells, you don't even know if she's telling him the truth about what you say. Or telling you the truth, for that matter.

I told her that I am giving him his space. I am allowing him time to really think about his decision because it is going to affect a lot of people for the rest of our lives. I told her I feel like crap for looking at the phone records but that when everyone around me is telling me he is cheating it puts doubt in my heart. She expressed her inability to see him as a cheater, which I wholeheartedly agree with. If it weren't for so many people putting the doubt there it wouldn't have been so prevalent in my mind.

We don't throw these theories out for no reason, you know.

* You said that they were good friends before you were married
* She's telling you not to wait around for him
* You said that she was jealous of your married life

I also told her that I question her motives in talking to him and started to wonder if she were the other woman in his life. She did not jump defensively and did not have a huge reaction to that. She said she was not interested in seeing us apart. She wants us to work out, but she does not want to be my cheerleader in case it ends up hurting me in the end. She thought she was being a good sister by doing things this way.

Rule number one: Cheaters lie. I have never seen someone confess to having an affair without being confronted with concrete proof.

I also told her I felt like she was his spy. I felt like anything I do or say would get back to him in a timely fashion. She denied that but said that he does ask how I am and how things are going with me and the kids. I asked her to keep any and all conversation about our separation limited to positive phrases and encouragement.

Yes, because she's been so good about respecting your privacy until now...

I have set my boundaries for the situation but I cannot enforce them with her.

What boundary did you set? I missed it. Also, an unenforceable boundary is not a boundary at all.

[sandi2]

OMG! Where in all of that did you miss this part?

Don't talk to her any more unless you decide to tell her (later) that you've done a lot of thinking and have decided that you were going to let him go. He's not worth it...and you've decided that you want to be free and single again. Keep it short and simple and don't fall into any of her traps of answering too many of her questions.

PIGA, if you have not finished reading DR....you must do that right now. One of the first things you learn is to not act upon any decision until two or three days pass. You might as well have handed your H to your sister on a silver platter!! If you called yourself acting upon what I suggested....you apparently missed the entire concept behind it. (I don't know that that is what you were doing but if it was....you failed to get the message.) I did not mean that you were giving up on your M or your H. That was simply the message you were to give your big mouth sister so she would tell your H......and THEN you could move on to the next step. But you just couldn't wait and went and blabed and kept on blabbing! Unbelievable! Why on earth would you tell the OW all that you did?

I told her that I am giving him his space. I am allowing him time to really think about his decision because it is going to affect a lot of people for the rest of our lives. I told her I feel like crap for looking at the phone records but that when everyone around me is telling me he is cheating it puts doubt in my heart. She expressed her inability to see him as a cheater, which I whole heartedly agree with. If it weren't for so many people putting the doubt there it wouldn't have been so prevalent in my mind.

Did you tell her about this board as well? You don't tell them about them about this board b/c if he discovers that your are discussing your MR here and getting advice, then it will probably go against what you are wanting to do. You don't tell your souce of information. The DR book and this board is to help you. These are your tools and only for you. Most WAS are not receptive to this. You were not suppose to tell her any of the things that you did. You gave her way too much power by telling her all of that!

Anyway, you can't go back and undo it now. Just PLEASE don't act upon any suggestion, advice or comments......or what is said in the book, until you've had time to really think it over, okay?

I was going to let you be thinking about what I suggested today and then tonight I was going to explain what to do next...if that is what you were wanting to do. As it stands now....I don't think you have a lot of options exept to move forward. My thinking was that if he saw you as having a positive attitude & actions, and if he thought that you were excited about being "free" so you could enjoy being single and able to date, then his true feelings would surface. But more importantly, your self-confidence would rise....and men love self-confident women.

The first thing (as I recall) that the DR book tells us to do is to emotionally detach from the WAS. The more he thinks you are unavailable to him, the more he will want to draw near to see "why". You won't feel all of those things and will have to just do the work before the actual feelings come along....but as long as you play the "woe is me" victim, he will not be attracted to you. Your H is going to be drawn to the woman he sees being more interesting & attractive. That may call for some work (IDK) but for most people....it does. It' not just about physical looks, but attitude, as well. That is in the book, too.

I don't have time right now to get into any more, but please don't talk to your sister.......and if your H should want to call or talk to you about your discussion with your sister, don't do it b/c you will spill your guts to him and that is not what you need to do. Come here if you need to vent, but don't talk to relatives and/or friends of yours & his. If you have a friend you can trust not to go tell everything, then that would be okay, however, if he ever thinks that you are "trying" some program to "get him back" then you've dug yourself in much deeper and it will take longer before you may see any positive signs.

[praying_in_GA]

Ok, well, now that I feel like offing myself because I am such a horrible game player....

I mean, I know this is a supportive site and I know that you are here to help me. I do not think she is trying to take my husband. If I am completely wrong I will eat my words later and I will YET AGAIN feel complete guilt for EFFING up my marriage. I still don't think that is what is going on.

I wake up every morning, look over at our wedding picture and realize that it is my fault he left. Then I look down at my two kids asleep next to me and think of how much I have screwed their life up but my inability to a good wife. Then I get up and do the same damn thing everyday. I take care of two kids and a great dane. I might go to work (I only work three days a week), I get very little sleep, and I do it all over again the next day.

I am a huge POS for letting this go as far as it did....and now I can't even get the afterlife right. Fine, I guess I will screw this up too. Should I just file the darn papers myself since I am just digging and digging and digging?

I guess I will put on this huge play for everyone except my computer screen. I will be the amazingly resilient wife who had a sudden epiphany and decided one morning she didn't need her husband. She didn't mess up her kids life, a step father will be wonderful! Time to go to acting class because the front I will have to show and the feelings inside will be complete opposites.

[praying_in_GA]

Oh, and no I did not mention this website or the book to her. I did not tell her I was trying a plan to get him back. As far as she knows I am giving him his space to figure things out.

He told me last night he separated our cell bills into two different plans (still on the same bill) so that once it would be easier to split up later. We were previously on a family plan. Great, just another step to NOT being a family. He said that 'since I won't sign the divorce papers' he will just get things ready until then. The only reason the car insurance isn't separated is for the multi-car discount.