I finished the commute home, dreading a possible confrontation, preparing myself to avoid any arguments. I'm surprised to discover that she's cooked dinner, is home watching tv. She has moved most of her clothes out of the master bedroom into the guestroom, including her dresser. She's even move the rest of my stuff from the guestroom back in the master for me. The dresser is heavy. She told me that she'll be moving her bathroom stuff out as well, and that she can't sleep in the same bed with me; she figures I'm just doing this to make it tough on her.
I told her "you can do what ever you want, I am simply taking care of myself. Come and go as you please."
She was pretty down and grumpy, and it's not what I expected. I'm apprehensive about what's next.
I see this as a huge POSITIVE.
a) what you saw her exhibiting toward you was RESPECT. No, she didn't LIKE you very much right then (in fact, was probably livid with you), but she RESPECTED the stand you made regarding your bed and bedroom, make no mistake. It's understandable that it feels foreign to you, as it sounds like much of your marital history was marked by the opposite -- you trying to be NICE to her, and get her to LIKE her, but not garnering much RESPECT from her. At least recently.
b) You handled your answer VERY well. If she says "I can't sleep in the same bed with you" (which, c'mon, is so childish -- it's like she's giving you the equivalent of "Oh yeah? Well I broke up with YOU!" before you could break up with her, like back in jr. high school) -- just say "I understand. I'll help you with the dresser later; I need to go (insert GAL activity here)" . . . or whatever.
btw, don't say blanket, boundary-free statements to her like "you can come and go as you please" and "you can do whatever you want." Those can bite you later. Your basic position right now is "You are an adult, and I have no desire to control you, so I understand that you will do as you please. I do, however, insist on certain boundaries." (this is not what you SAY to her, it's just your basic POSITION)
