Do you think we should discuss R in the car beforehand? He tells me and our adult kids he has "no plan" yet. Would requesting he clarify what that means and how you end up making a decision at some point when you have no specific plans as to how to decide about besides moving out and seeing the OW--would that be setting a boundary or pursuing or controlling. I dont trust my instincts at all anymore and I want to stop being a doormat--I really do. HELP me do that. You all seem so together and knew what to say to your spouses
As others have said, no, don't discuss it ahead of time. As for the above, you're trying to make it all about HIM, and what behavior you want HIM to exhibit, plans you want HIM to make, etc.
Wrong approach.
You can't even come up with -- and communicate -- your OWN plans to him, why would you try to make HIS?
You need to begin focusing MUCH more on yourself, BNA. What YOU want to accomplish in counseling, what YOU want to do regarding the current situation, what boundaries YOU want to lay out and learn to enforce.
And no, I wasn't always this "together," LOL. In fact, I was a "hot mess" as my d20 would say. I did learn to detach, however, and to come up with what I WANTED to say (and do), and I would practice it ahead of time when necessary in order to get my point across.
BNA, if there is ONE THING I would encourage you to try to get down deep into your soul, it would be this:
Rather than operate from a position of "Should I be 'NICE'? What if I do thus-and-such, will be husband be angry? How will he react? How will his reaction make ME feel?"
instead, come at each situation from a position of "What is The RIGHT Thing To Do in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?"
You need to lose the fear, and be more afraid of "not doing The Right Thing" than you are of antagonizing your cheating husband.
