I spent the morning trying to figure out how I'll get myself back into our bedroom.
What, is there some sort of barricade or something? Barbed wire?
Puppy
Puppy,
Thank you so much for the bluntness of this reply. It really helped me firm my resolve and get out of my fog. I spent last night in the masterbedroom, alone of course, and feel better than I did cowering away in the guest room. W is certainly not flaunting her joyfulness around me right now.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
As far as emotional abuse? I can't see a case; but what do I know. Do you think it matters that half my stuff was still in the room, and that I had refused to move the rest out? I never committed to moving out permanently, is was just so we could get some sleep? That she offered several times to move into the guest room before?
Awoken,
You need to get a grip. I was only suggesting that SHE may try that; I never said she had a leg to stand on.
This is why you need to talk to your atty again. I think you'll be comforted (and empowered) by knowing better what your options, strengths and potential vulnerabilities are.
Here's the update on tonight's drama, or lack thereof.
I left from home at 8pm, called D17 on her cell. Called S13 on the home phone. I was surprised that wife picked up; she's been using caller ID, and having my son pick up. She just said hello, and I simply said "I'm calling for S13". I likely should at least given her a greeting, but I wasn't unusually tense.
What's the best way to handle this? Why is she now answering the phone?
First (red) part -- GOOD, IMPORTANT QUESTION. This is where you need to be focusing.
Second (green) part -- NOT important. Who cares? Don't mindread -- big DB no-no.
OK, how you should have handled it was with a pleasant, upbeat (but not annoyingly so) "Hi! How's it going (no pause), is S13 there? I promised I'd call him."
You don't want to look like you're AVOIDING her, as it makes you look some combination of weak and afraid.
I finished the commute home, dreading a possible confrontation, preparing myself to avoid any arguments. I'm surprised to discover that she's cooked dinner, is home watching tv. She has moved most of her clothes out of the master bedroom into the guestroom, including her dresser. She's even move the rest of my stuff from the guestroom back in the master for me. The dresser is heavy. She told me that she'll be moving her bathroom stuff out as well, and that she can't sleep in the same bed with me; she figures I'm just doing this to make it tough on her.
I told her "you can do what ever you want, I am simply taking care of myself. Come and go as you please."
She was pretty down and grumpy, and it's not what I expected. I'm apprehensive about what's next.
I see this as a huge POSITIVE.
a) what you saw her exhibiting toward you was RESPECT. No, she didn't LIKE you very much right then (in fact, was probably livid with you), but she RESPECTED the stand you made regarding your bed and bedroom, make no mistake. It's understandable that it feels foreign to you, as it sounds like much of your marital history was marked by the opposite -- you trying to be NICE to her, and get her to LIKE her, but not garnering much RESPECT from her. At least recently.
b) You handled your answer VERY well. If she says "I can't sleep in the same bed with you" (which, c'mon, is so childish -- it's like she's giving you the equivalent of "Oh yeah? Well I broke up with YOU!" before you could break up with her, like back in jr. high school) -- just say "I understand. I'll help you with the dresser later; I need to go (insert GAL activity here)" . . . or whatever.
btw, don't say blanket, boundary-free statements to her like "you can come and go as you please" and "you can do whatever you want." Those can bite you later. Your basic position right now is "You are an adult, and I have no desire to control you, so I understand that you will do as you please. I do, however, insist on certain boundaries." (this is not what you SAY to her, it's just your basic POSITION)
I spent the morning trying to figure out how I'll get myself back into our bedroom.
What, is there some sort of barricade or something? Barbed wire?
Puppy
Puppy,
Thank you so much for the bluntness of this reply. It really helped me firm my resolve and get out of my fog. I spent last night in the masterbedroom, alone of course, and feel better than I did cowering away in the guest room. W is certainly not flaunting her joyfulness around me right now.
A,
This was HUGE. Yeah, it was just one boundary, but it was the beginning of taking your self-respect and your MANHOOD back.
I spent the morning trying to figure out how I'll get myself back into our bedroom.
What, is there some sort of barricade or something? Barbed wire?
Puppy
Puppy,
Thank you so much for the bluntness of this reply. It really helped me firm my resolve and get out of my fog. I spent last night in the masterbedroom, alone of course, and feel better than I did cowering away in the guest room. W is certainly not flaunting her joyfulness around me right now.
A,
This was HUGE. Yeah, it was just one boundary, but it was the beginning of taking your self-respect and your MANHOOD back.
Feels good, don't it??
Puppy
Yes, it felt good. I slept a little better than any night since the bomb. Then...somehow this morning I crashed even harder on the way to work, as the reality of this keeps sinking in. I'm reading the detachment thread, and it's clear to me that my wife is detached and I'm not even close to detached.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
What's the best way to handle this? Why is she now answering the phone?
First (red) part -- GOOD, IMPORTANT QUESTION. This is where you need to be focusing.
Second (green) part -- NOT important. Who cares? Don't mindread -- big DB no-no.
OK, how you should have handled it was with a pleasant, upbeat (but not annoyingly so) "Hi! How's it going (no pause), is S13 there? I promised I'd call him."
You don't want to look like you're AVOIDING her, as it makes you look some combination of weak and afraid.
Puppy
thanks again Puppy, this is such a helpful reply.
Last edited by Awoken; 11/11/0905:32 PM.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Took D17 to school this morning (W leaves before all of us). She asked me why did W and I switch rooms?
It turns out that W had D17 and S13 help her move all the stuff between the guestroom and master bedroom. I was wondering how she moved the big dresser herself.
If you've been following this thread, you know that D17 already knows far too much about our M problems through eavesdropping. I told D17 that it wasn't good for me to discuss the details, but we were still working through things.
Last edited by Awoken; 11/11/0905:40 PM.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Yes, it felt good. I slept a little better than any night since the bomb. Then...somehow this morning I crashed even harder on the way to work, as the reality of this keeps sinking in. I'm reading the detachment thread, and it's clear to me that my wife is detached and I'm not even close to detached.
Awoken, this is completely understandable. Your world has been rocked, and you've been thrown off your moral and emotional center. You will have more of these episodes, but if you start to detach properly they will, thankfully, become fewer and further between.
I spent many a night at 2am in the guest bathroom, my head buried deep in a towel, the exhaust fan whirring to cover up my sobs. Just keep the displays away from your wife, where you want to put on your game face.
