I'm just tired. We've been living parallel lives. I've been getting out more, she has been home every night. Moving, reconsiling, none of it has come up in a while. W has come in and slept in our bed with me a couple of times over the recent weeks. There has been some affecction on and off. When I traveled last week, W kept coming up with reasons to text and call me. Nothing significant, just little superficial reasons.
When I got home last night, she made dinner and was open to a little affection. (a couple of kisses). I asked her if she had seen a movie that I heard about and she said that if I went and rented it, she would watch it with me. (You're all thinking good things right?) A little over 1/2 way through the movie, she asked me to stop the movie since we had to talk. She had gone out that day and signed paperwork on her new place. Huh? WTF?
...But wait...there's more... She said that I would have to sign on some of the paperwork. I'd have to sign something that said I would be taking financial responsibility for paying for our current assets otherwise she couldn't get financing.
I told her that I was not comfortable with that. She said she had already put ernest money down and would lose it. (well...that wasn't a good decision on her part in my opinion)She got upset and said she would have to rent then.
She went on about how she'll never feel like an equal partner with me if she stays. She made it sound as if she actually wanted things to work with us and that she sees going away as the medicine she needs to want to be here. I told her that I am sorry that we are here. She cried and apologized a lot. Not for any of the specific things that she has done over the past year, just for the situation.
I did tell her that I have tried very hard and have been very insulted by her actions. She said she has seen my changes and my effort, but still feels the way she feels. I asked her if I should still wear my ring. She wouldn't answer with anything other than she doesn't want me to be alone forever. That sparked me to ask if she would be OK seeing me with someone else. She said she wouldn't be OK with it, but understands that may happen.
She was falling apart just a little bit into the conversation. I wrapped my arms around her. She told me she didn't deserve my comfort. I told her that she was my wife and I wasn't going to leave her crying and alone.
I did tell her though that when she moves, we will not be a part of eachother's life anymore. We will interact on matters of our S only. I will see her when it's time to pick him up. I will not come to her place. I will help her move and then will not come to "her" place. She really didn't seem to like this and asked if that's how I really wanted things. I told her that's all I could handle.
I didn't cry. I didn't ask her to stay. I did tell her that I was sorry for things that have been said and done in the past, but I think they have been more than addressed. I agreed that more would have to be done and told her that I don't feel that moving out is the way to make things better.
She cried and told me she was sorry for "failing me" and that she felt like such a failure. It was hard to hear her say those things.
It was a lot longer conversation than just what I covered here. It was strange to hear some of her perspective of things that have happened over this time. So different than mine.
I am so tired.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
