UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Sanderika]

(((((Nell)))))

I believe I have told you this before.....

Your H can "smell a rat", sort to speak. They can see right through a fake and phony facade. They can tell when you are ONLY "playing games", as you put it, as a ploy to get them back. That is because your fear and desperation shine through. It is because In Their Opinion, they left because YOU wanted them to. Your behaviors and actions were unloving and most likely they believed you were pushing them out. This is why they are resistant to trust your changes.

With that being agreed upon.....When I tell you to change YOU, remove the unattractive side of yourself, I am telling you to lose the traits you have that drove him away in the first place.
Strengthen the traits that H loves about you. Practice the positives and ditch the negatives. Practice the positives until they take control of YOU. By doing this, your H will see the woman he loves. He will see the genuine effort you have made to BETTER yourself. He will recognize the changes and accept them as true and lasting. This takes a long time. It is worth the effort, trust me.

These are a couple of examples for you:

I see your rage as a problem.

I see your sense of humor as a positive.

Nell, finish the list for us. List your problems, YOU want to change. List your positives you want to nurture.

During all of this.....DO NOT lose sight of your values, morals, convictions. Remain true to yourself. It is ok to stand up for yourself and uphold your ideals and POV's. It would be unfair for anyone to expect you to crumble and fall and become a puppet through all of this. You are Nell. Your H still loves you. Your H left because HE HAD TO, not necessarily because HE WANTED TO. I am sure this decision to leave was very hard for him. He gave it a great deal of thought and looked at it like this was his only way. I have had this conversation with my H. These words, he has told me.

Nell, come up with the reasons H left. List them out. Work on repairing the problems as he viewed them at the same time you are working on you. I think you will see a correlation between your behaviors and H's actions.

I DO NOT call treating H well, playing games. I have been posting on another's thread and her H has been gone 3 years now. He has just revealed....one of the reasons he wants to return to her is that she has remained a constant friend for him and treated him with kindness and respect. She has never turned her back on him through this entire ordeal. She has DB successfully for herself in the process. My H has mirrored some of the same. He has thanked me for being nice to him. I know he loves me. I know he values our friendship. This is stuff you have to think about.

IMO, your H is not ready to end the marriage with you. Your H would have implemented legal proceedings by now if he was.

OH, your H does not believe he is having an affair because in his eyes and mind he IS NOT WITH YOU anymore. It is still an affair because you are married. This is something they choose to believe because it diminishes their guilt. Do not listen to this cr*p. My H has been quoted as saying the same. It is one of the songs all WAS and MLC dwellers sing. Forget you heard it!!!!
Time is on your side. You must use it wisely and effectively.
Learn how to remedy the sitch. It can be done. It is not game playing if you truthfully want your H and marriage back because they are most important and precious to you.

(((((HUGS)))))

Sanderika