Don't talk to her any more unless you decide to tell her (later) that you've done a lot of thinking and have decided that you were going to let him go. He's not worth it...and you've decided that you want to be free and single again. Keep it short and simple and don't fall into any of her traps of answering too many of her questions.
PIGA, if you have not finished reading DR....you must do that right now. One of the first things you learn is to not act upon any decision until two or three days pass. You might as well have handed your H to your sister on a silver platter!! If you called yourself acting upon what I suggested....you apparently missed the entire concept behind it. (I don't know that that is what you were doing but if it was....you failed to get the message.) I did not mean that you were giving up on your M or your H. That was simply the message you were to give your big mouth sister so she would tell your H......and THEN you could move on to the next step. But you just couldn't wait and went and blabed and kept on blabbing! Unbelievable! Why on earth would you tell the OW all that you did?
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I told her that I am giving him his space. I am allowing him time to really think about his decision because it is going to affect a lot of people for the rest of our lives. I told her I feel like crap for looking at the phone records but that when everyone around me is telling me he is cheating it puts doubt in my heart. She expressed her inability to see him as a cheater, which I whole heartedly agree with. If it weren't for so many people putting the doubt there it wouldn't have been so prevalent in my mind.
Did you tell her about this board as well? You don't tell them about them about this board b/c if he discovers that your are discussing your MR here and getting advice, then it will probably go against what you are wanting to do. You don't tell your souce of information. The DR book and this board is to help you. These are your tools and only for you. Most WAS are not receptive to this. You were not suppose to tell her any of the things that you did. You gave her way too much power by telling her all of that!
Anyway, you can't go back and undo it now. Just PLEASE don't act upon any suggestion, advice or comments......or what is said in the book, until you've had time to really think it over, okay?
I was going to let you be thinking about what I suggested today and then tonight I was going to explain what to do next...if that is what you were wanting to do. As it stands now....I don't think you have a lot of options exept to move forward. My thinking was that if he saw you as having a positive attitude & actions, and if he thought that you were excited about being "free" so you could enjoy being single and able to date, then his true feelings would surface. But more importantly, your self-confidence would rise....and men love self-confident women.
The first thing (as I recall) that the DR book tells us to do is to emotionally detach from the WAS. The more he thinks you are unavailable to him, the more he will want to draw near to see "why". You won't feel all of those things and will have to just do the work before the actual feelings come along....but as long as you play the "woe is me" victim, he will not be attracted to you. Your H is going to be drawn to the woman he sees being more interesting & attractive. That may call for some work (IDK) but for most people....it does. It' not just about physical looks, but attitude, as well. That is in the book, too.
I don't have time right now to get into any more, but please don't talk to your sister.......and if your H should want to call or talk to you about your discussion with your sister, don't do it b/c you will spill your guts to him and that is not what you need to do. Come here if you need to vent, but don't talk to relatives and/or friends of yours & his. If you have a friend you can trust not to go tell everything, then that would be okay, however, if he ever thinks that you are "trying" some program to "get him back" then you've dug yourself in much deeper and it will take longer before you may see any positive signs.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
