I posted in the newcomers but needed advice

[P17]

How do you listen to what he says and not what he is saying??

As I've said before I'm no expert and reluctant to give advice. One thing I did pick up from here and elsewhere is that what WS say and what they are actually saying are two entirely different things. I no longer listen to much that my W says anymore.

When your husband says 'you never listened to me' and you know in your heart of hearts that it's true, then what he is saying is 'I'm really hurting and I need to lash out'.

He tells me time and time again that he cannot trust me and I am not someone he feels he can talk to. It is very very hurtful.

I'm just looking at my own situation but he is probably right. He cannot trust you again and you probably aren't someone he can talk to, but not for the reasons you are thinking. You're hearing his words but not hearing what he is saying.

However difficult it may seem, try and put yourself in your husband's shoes just now. He has betrayed you. He has lied, cheated, destroyed your family etc. If YOU had done that to HIM, would you be able to even look him in the eyes, let alone open up to him? I know I wouldn't.

He knows what has done. He knows how much pain he has caused and he knows the pain he is feeling. The last person in the world he would want to open his heart to is you. When he does he is going to have to talk about all of these things. When he talks about them he is going to have to admit to everything he has done. When he does that, it is going to cause him so much more pain that he feels now. So again, he is lashing out at you so that he doesn't have to feel the pain anymore.

It is hurtful to hear that no matter what he will never wear his ring again.

That's why he is doing it. To hurt you. He is doing it to make himself feel better. We all do it, we've all done it and we all will do it again in the future. It's just human nature. If he will never wear his ring again, then why does he keep it? Why doesn't he sell it, throw it away or give it back to you?

He can't wear a symbol of marriage, love and commitment knowing what he has done.

Today was a really hard day. I am beating myself up..running or pilates did not even help..I am hurting a lot right now..more than before because I was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. This is just too much. I just feel like all love is lost..although his actions to not match his words..I am just hurt.

This is something that PDT taught me on here. When his word match up with his action, over time, you will know he is telling you the truth.

A big lesson for me is ... don't judge people on what they say, judge them on their actions.