New, my story

[Inaspin]

Journaling

As stated in my other Post http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...994#Post1870994 Mondays MC was much harder for me than I had anticipated. My reaction afterwards was probably the worst thing I could have done, Trying to defend myself and telling my W that she was looking @ me through broken glasses. I do feel like I have not only backslid on all the things I set out to do, but may have blown my last shot at saving my M.

I did not sleep on Monday evening and left work early yesterday to try and get some rest, my W had to go see a client and left our S with me so I was not able to sleep in the afternoon. I finally got some sleep last night and woke up this morning feeling sick and aching all over. My W was the coldest she has been to me since the bomb.

Today I prayed for GOD to give me some peace and direction. I know I must now only focus on myself and my son. I need to forgive myself for what I have done in the past, and accept the situation as it is. I am hurting, but I must face reality. These fantasy's I've had of my W coming to me and saying she will give us another chance have only led me to frustration and more pain.

I am not giving up, I'm just being realistic. My son needs to be protected as much as possible through this, He does not deserve to suffer because of our decisions.

So here I am again, scared, but realistic. I have asked God to come in to my life, to help and guide me through this dark forest, and to a light that will finally give me some peace, because long before my W dropped the Bomb, I have been living with to much pain, shame and guilt, and I realize now that it was this that led me to where I am today in my life.