Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

Journaling:
No so good day. I'm doing an experimental commute to my departments' future location-we're being moved to an office 30 miles from our current one. My commute was 8 minutes and will be 60 minutes once we move. So for the next 2 days I am trying different rtes to get there and leaving really early in order to be home as usual...

I came home from my long commute, picking up D14 from tennis on the way. When we walked in H greeted me by barely looking up from the laptop. When D14 came in behind me H got animated and interested enough to put the laptop aside...

We went to D14's band award ceremony tonight and on the way I told H about my mother(who he hates) having cellulitis and calling me 4 times on Sunday morning(I was working out) to get my advice(go to the ER-just as her doctor had advised) and then she called and hung up on my cell phone today several times(to tell me the final diagnosis-cellulitis)...

So H says "You mean there's been 11 phone calls between you and this is the first I hear about it!"...Yelling at me in the car as I tried to explain that we spoke 3 times, most of those calls were her hangup/no message, and I didn't think H wanted to hear about my mother(he has refused to talk to her for 2 years). He just kept raising his voice and repeating the "11 calls.."

When we got home H and I had decided to talk to D14 and offer her therapy if she wanted to talk to someone. H asked if I wanted him to do the talk alone or if I wanted to do it with him(I said with him, of course)..So we went in her room and H started talking. It was brief- H sid he thought therapy had helped him and maybe D14 might want someone to talk to about strategies for coping with stress. D14 didn't want therapy, and I said the offer is always there if she changed her mind. D14 left and I told H he did a good job and he said "I thought we were doing this together!"

I feel like a bad communicator..H has been pointing out areas where I haven't commnicated well. I realize that I hesitate to bring up things where I think he'll get upset or yell. I realize this can become a vicious cycle but I don't see H understanding that or seeing his part in this...and the negative response I get from H when I do share doesn't help. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I apologized for not communicating better tonight and H cut me off and said "don't apologize". He rolled over and went to sleep.

Sad to say I'm tired. Tired of being yelled at no matter what I do. Tired of living with a human volcanoe. Tired of being open and vulnerable and being rejected. Sad and tired.