Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

When I said ILY, he just contnued to hug me and then pulled away- I thought he looked sad, but maybe I was making that up. We kissed goodbye and he left right afterwards.

He's only said ILY once to me on his own when I was helping him decorate his new office...the other times are in response to me saying it first-which is infrequent anymore- I used to say it daily, now its once every few weeks or so, if that.

H texted the girls when he got to NYC. I heard from him via text several hours later. He will text for awhile and then just stop, which I find weird...maybe he doesn't know text etiquette(I don't really either, but it would be nice to text gtg, or see you later...)Just said he was going to bed, no "goodnight" or anything.

Well, the anniversary of the Louvre is something I've not yet celebrated, but 216th anniversaries are a bit rare these days...How do you celebrate it? Looking at fine works of art on-line and sipping French champagne?

The girls and I are going to see Wicked in Denver tomorrow so that will be fun. We all feel a little less stress with H away..no eggshells...no worrying about his mood/temper. Still miss him though.

[Grace_O]

Just out of curiosity, before all of this happened, was your H a man who would say ILY frequently or was it in response to you then also?


If you can avoid saying it and perhaps find ways to show it, that might be helpful.

I might argue that hiss saying he was going to bed was a good night of sorts. Maybe not what you were looking for, but I'm really good at re-framing alot of things these days.


I've found various ways to celebrate the anniversary, this year I was thinking of working on one of my own "masterpieces".
Perhaps a toast or two would help the process
I do love art in all it's various forms and I tend to have a "unique" eye (translation: if I had money I'd be eclectic, since I don't the word "wierd" has drifted past my ears a couple of times ).

Ohh, "Wicked" huh? That should be great fun! I have seen any live performances since I got back from Las Vegas this summer.
It must be showing around me somewhere, I'll have to look into it. Let me know what you and the girls think.

It is such a double edged sword, the missing him, but feeling relief at the reduction in stress.

I'll drink a toast for all of us tomorrow.

[kjensen]

Grace,
I would say you are EXCELLENT at reframing things! Quite a gift.

When H was living in his apartment and started texting me..he would often say "good night" or "sweet dreams". The girls and I all have noticed that he will randomly just stop texting..kind of odd. It didn't bother me much, it was just weird-like someone walking away while you are still talking.

I think H said ILY more on his own before MLC, but I'm the kind of person who says it alot to H and the girls. H and I both did the 5 Languages of Love test and found that H's primary language is words of affirmation and mine is split between words and physical touch. So I do think alot about words I use towards H, I still acts of service and all those other ways to show love. Sometimes its hard to find words to affirm a MLCer! I guess I need to practice re-framing!

"Wicked" was great! Second time for me, but first for the girls and they really enjoyed it. Gives you a new perspective on the Wizard of Oz backstory. There is a production going in San Francisco-not sure where in CA you live.... I've seen alot of Broadway productions and this is one of my favorites so far.

I, too, love art. Even though I'm now a 'nerdy' pharmacist, my first college degree was in radio, tv and film. Always have been split between art and science:brain is good at science but in my heart I'd rather be doing something with art or being creative. I'll think of you tomorrow and toast the Louvre as well!

[Twink]

"Wicked" was great! ... I've seen alot of Broadway productions and this is one of my favorites so far.

My older D and I were at the afternoon performance yesterday. We also thought it was wonderful, and one of the best we've seen as well. Highly recommended!

[Grace_O]

Well with these kinds of reviews I'll have to make sure I see it

I'm close enough to San Francisco to spit, so I'll check it out.

Trying to save as much as I can right now for a trip overseas next year, but you've gotta enjoy all that yu can while you can. You never know.

The moments do come to re-affirm them, but I found I had to look for them in a different way. Someitmes, it was as simple as "I really appreciate your talking with me about D's (or whatever)". And, so I didn't get stuck in "I appreciate" mode (it got to where I felt I was saying it too much), if he made a suggestion (in my case about something with D's) I would say, "good idea" and if necessary asking for more details. Even if I'd already thought of it. Why? B/c my H got to be hesitant about offering any type of ideas regarding D's. In all fairness, I didn't make it easier. That wasn't my intent, but D's live with me 24/7, he visits. You get to where you just automatically make all decisions.

Re-framing takes practice like anything. I'm really sorry, but you'll have lots of opportunities to practice.

Btw, just b/c you're a scientist doesn't mean you can't create some amazing art. Just give different mediums a shot. What have you got to lose? Great hobby that requires focus and if I'm focusing on something I'm trying to create....I can't be thinking about H.

HUGS

[kjensen]

Brief update:
H came home this afternoon and was exhausted since got up at 2:30am Colorado time and flew all morning. I came home at lunch and he was home. I gave him a hug and he hugged me for awhile and said I could go to sleep like this... a peck on the lips and that was it for affection. There were no "I missed you" or any such words. I refrained from anything like that either. Just showed I was happy to see him.

So later when I was back at work and H was entering all of the checking/debit transactions I'd had this weekend, he called to ask about a money issue and was curt and seemed mad. I didn't respond in kind and hoped it was his tiredness.

Later while making dinner he said he was mad b/c he'd gone to NYC and spent a fraction of what I'd spent over the weekend..(of course I was caring for 3 people to his one, so it would be a fraction to be even...). Oh well.

He's now asleep.

I have realized a change in my feelings a bit this past weekend. I'm letting go of the rope a bit. Imagining what life will be like with him gone (again), if it comes to that... I know I'd be lonely, but I know I'd be OK.

[peacetoday]

I think its good he shared his feelings with you even if they make little sense
still sounds like you guys are working toward developing a better M
Try to keep the focus in the positive
you can do this
he is there and trying--it will probably get better in time
peace

[kjensen]

Journaling:
No so good day. I'm doing an experimental commute to my departments' future location-we're being moved to an office 30 miles from our current one. My commute was 8 minutes and will be 60 minutes once we move. So for the next 2 days I am trying different rtes to get there and leaving really early in order to be home as usual...

I came home from my long commute, picking up D14 from tennis on the way. When we walked in H greeted me by barely looking up from the laptop. When D14 came in behind me H got animated and interested enough to put the laptop aside...

We went to D14's band award ceremony tonight and on the way I told H about my mother(who he hates) having cellulitis and calling me 4 times on Sunday morning(I was working out) to get my advice(go to the ER-just as her doctor had advised) and then she called and hung up on my cell phone today several times(to tell me the final diagnosis-cellulitis)...

So H says "You mean there's been 11 phone calls between you and this is the first I hear about it!"...Yelling at me in the car as I tried to explain that we spoke 3 times, most of those calls were her hangup/no message, and I didn't think H wanted to hear about my mother(he has refused to talk to her for 2 years). He just kept raising his voice and repeating the "11 calls.."

When we got home H and I had decided to talk to D14 and offer her therapy if she wanted to talk to someone. H asked if I wanted him to do the talk alone or if I wanted to do it with him(I said with him, of course)..So we went in her room and H started talking. It was brief- H sid he thought therapy had helped him and maybe D14 might want someone to talk to about strategies for coping with stress. D14 didn't want therapy, and I said the offer is always there if she changed her mind. D14 left and I told H he did a good job and he said "I thought we were doing this together!"

I feel like a bad communicator..H has been pointing out areas where I haven't commnicated well. I realize that I hesitate to bring up things where I think he'll get upset or yell. I realize this can become a vicious cycle but I don't see H understanding that or seeing his part in this...and the negative response I get from H when I do share doesn't help. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I apologized for not communicating better tonight and H cut me off and said "don't apologize". He rolled over and went to sleep.

Sad to say I'm tired. Tired of being yelled at no matter what I do. Tired of living with a human volcanoe. Tired of being open and vulnerable and being rejected. Sad and tired.

[Grace_O]

Sad to say I'm tired. Tired of being yelled at no matter what I do. Tired of living with a human volcanoe. Tired of being open and vulnerable and being rejected. Sad and tired.

You're preaching to the choir here.

Having said that though, you need to work esp at the sad.

It's hard esp with them at home to keep their moods from impacting yours, but it is so critical.

Ok, so he's complained about communication. As things happen, keep him in the loop. If he says he doesn't want to know etc, just simply say "I don't know what you need from me with regards to communication". Then give him a couple of specifics where he got upset when you didn't.

His anger/upset is his, but it's ok to address any blame he puts on you and ask for clarification. If he doesn't know, i would say I'll keep you in the loop and you can filter out what you don't want.

Now here's the rub...you have to do this without getting upset. If you can pretend this is a business associate, maybe that would help. I has me. I also, pretned my H is a good friend that's just really into my kids. That way I can keep my emotions in check and deal with whatever it brings up in private.

Truth is I don't have the answers. I just keep working it like everybody else.

HUGS

[kjensen]

Well, Since H has been pulling away I checked his email today to see whats going on. He changed the password. Its his right to do this but when he moved home we made all of his and my passwords the same as an indication of improving the trust issue between us(was recommended in a book about getting past affairs.

I haven't been checking his email for awhile so I'm not sure when he changed it-I think either right before or right after his NYC trip. My heart is racing like there is something going on...

Do I say something to H? He has assumed in the past that I check his email periodically even though he has also expressed resentment about that. Do I ignore it and let him do his thing and plan for a D?