Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[confusedinpa]

Sorry to hear that. Didn't know you had a special friend. Hope you can still get that back.

I actually don't think I would want it back other than for the benefits :-p My ex-friend just had too much baggage and drama. I should have known better than to let it get to that point.

My problem was that I believed when my friend said that we would take it really slow as she had been through 2 marriages already (she's only 32) that ended so badly. I was in total agreement, but it's tough when two nites after that conversation she comes into the room and asks "So, are you going to kiss me or what".

Right after that (which was during our first "official" date), she asks if I would ever get married again and if I wanted more kids. A little freaky I thought....

Anyway two days after that, she asks me to stop by her apt on the my way back to NY so we can get to second base. Remember, I'm a guy so I did stop by and we did....

Right after that we broke up because she wasn't sure if she was ready for a relationship. Five days later, we make up for three nites in a row (including her requesting specific toys for the third nite). Two days after that, she said she thinks we should just be friends. Haven't talked to her in a week now.

So, we went too fast and she seemed confused at what she wants (much like most WAW's seem to be). With all my craziness with my WAW, I don't need any more drama. So I really don't think I want her back, other than for the benefits.

In this case, she did remind me, because she would tell me every time we were together, how awesome I am and that I should never forget that. So for that, I am grateful as it makes it easier for me to move forward with my life.

In your case, I think it would have served as a wake up call to your W because she's been very emotional and has always looked at you to validate her sucky life.

If you had shown someone else was interested in you but not really be in your face about it, I think she would have come back.

But if you're like me, you probably would have felt like a hypocrite for doing so. Tough thing to juggle but I think if it helps you one way or the other, you should do it.

I did feel very torn about it, but ultimately, it didn't work out and I knew she was not right for me or my boys long term. Even from the first kiss, I remember thinking how am I going break up with her so that I can go back to Pa and be back with my boys.

Anyway, sorry for the hijack, but back to your situation

I personally don't feel adding fuel to the WAW fire is helpful.

You could accomplish the "jealousy" think just as easily by telling her that you agree that it's time for both of you to move on (which is essentially the same thing as deciding to start dating). I've been toying with how to tell my WAW that without sounding pathetic/weak. I'll post on my thread where I'm at with that. Of course, I'm not doing it as a strategy to get her back, but more to make her face reality. She continues to date others and is very active searching for new people to date. She continues to post on FB how I don't get it and continues to lie to her friends by also posting why she even bothers to continue to try. There quite a few new "guy" friends that post in support of her when she post like that.

Anyway, I do agree with what others have posted for you - do what you are comfortable with. I wish I was as strong as you to resist the temptation (really tough when she's laying in bed of my hotel room when I checked in - don't ask how she was able to check in before I got there) so that we could have stayed at the flirty friend stage. We could still be having a lot of fun in that dance.

Stay the enlightened man brother.

[MrBond]

Well this is interesting!

Last night I got a call from my female friend whom I've gone out with about 3 times. Well she told me that she started developing feelings for me and wanted to be honest about it.

I told her that I valued her friendship and also liked her, but wasn't sure if I liked liked her.

She knows my sitch through and through and I told her flat out that if my W were to "snap out of it" that I would want my M to work as that was my first priority. She said she totally understood and wanted to just be honest with me. I told her I wanted to be honest and that I'm not a player who wanted to get in her pants, but I really valued her friendship and have fun when we're together. Hell I think after living in hell for almost 2 years, anything is an improvement.

I also told her that if it did evolve into a R, that she would have alot more to take on than I do. I'm counting my kids in all this and if she really thought it through. She said she had.

So I told her I didn't want her to feel cheated or used and that I would be honest with her in terms of how I felt and about my sitch. And so we agreed to just take it slow as friends and see what happens.

Funny thing is that I've funneled so much of my emotions into my WAW that I don't feel intense feelings for anything. I don't intend to do anything that would go beyond hanging out for now. My intentions are just not at that point yet. But I have to say that this friend of mine is a good catch without the issues that my W hasn't been able to confront. Of course she's probably got a list of new baggage to deal with.

It's weird how all this R...DBing stuff has made us seem so put together that other members of the opposite sex get attracted to us. Too bad it doesn't work that easily with our WAS.

It's also odd how certain people tend to come into our sitches at key times where we are in moments of transition. Interesting what happens when you let everything go and leave it up to God.

[MrBond]

cipa,

Sorry I missed your post earlier. Too funny about how your sitch and my sitch are turning out.

In terms of my friend, she's never been M and would be a great partner and stepmom for the kids if my W ever went ahead with the D.

I definitely don't want her to feel like I'm using her to get my W back, so we're doing just going to keep hanging out and see what happens.

As for my W, for someone who couldn't wait to leave, she seems unhappy and depressed all the time. I do want us to work out but since she's out of the house and doing her own thing, it's up to her how she lives her life.

[confusedinpa]

Too funny about how your sitch and my sitch are turning out.

Yeah - it's sooo funny at times I want to bang my head against a wall ;-p

Seriously though, you do have to laugh at it. Life is too short to wallow in misery and focus on what was lost. Just look at we we both still have. Beautiful kids that we will always love and cherish.

I do agree with you how we've evolved into more interesting people.

Sounds like you're handling your situation much better than I did with my friend. I let it move too fast but in the back of my head, I had know with all her drama and baggage, she wasn't the right person for my boys and I. Plus her kids were here in NY (she doesn't have custody) so I would never ask her to leave my kids any sooner than she would ask me to do the same.

You friend really sounds like she's got real relationship potential

I'm proud of you bro!

[MrBond]

CIPA,

Thanks. I'm really not thinking into the future about all this. Just taking it one day at a time. I definitely don't want to get caught up in anything and respect both my W and my friend to do anything that would jeopardize my R with both.

Right now I see my W as someone who has an illness. I've talked to her about it before but it's up to her to take the first step.

It's odd but when my friend was telling me how she felt, I felt like I was watching a freakin' Lifetime movie! Sometimes I think God really has a sense of humor.

[confusedinpa]

I hear ya bro. The first time we physically moved beyond platonic (we had a lot of "flirty" text/emails the days leading up to that) aside from a physical reaction, I had no emotional connection. It was very bizzare. I had only known her for a week but thought there would be some type of emotional response in me

I do believe you're right, that we put so much stuff into our WAW there may not be any reserves left. Maybe this is why everyone says to go slow and wait till you're ready.

Best of luck to you bro, I'm rooting for you man

[Gardener]

cip,

,,, that we put so much stuff into our WAW there may not be any reserves left.

Ain't that the truth!

[MrBond]

cipa,

I just had a thought.

I wonder if "Mom"/sandi has been reading these posts. I think she'd be surprised at how bad her "boys" have been acting.

LOL

[confusedinpa]

cipa,

I just had a thought.

I wonder if "Mom"/sandi has been reading these posts. I think she'd be surprised at how bad her "boys" have been acting.

LOL

I'm not worried about "mom" getting mad since I'm her favorite ;-) lol

Maybe there should be a dating 101 forum on here....

BTW - the crazy part of my "ex-friend" was that Sat about midnite she sent me a text of "What happened to you? I haven't heard from you" I didn't see it till about 1:30 AM and had a real WTF moment.... not sure if who's crazier, her or my WAW......

[MrBond]

Hmmm after two marriages it sounds like she's screaming MLC!

She seems to be like how are spouses are. Rather than stopping to think and appreciate what they have/had in their M, they are constantly looking for that someone who will make them happy.

That's one great skill I think we've all learned and it's that we don't need people to make us happy. We can be happy all by ourselves.

Funny but with my friend, that's what she said appealed to her. The fact that I was perfectly fine and comfortable about who I am and what I do and that I don't depend on anyone.

LOL! I wouldn't have gotten to that point if my W hadn't dumped me.