Can I save my marriage?

[Lll54]

So I'm painting my living room, at its going great. I'm watching a great t.v show at the same time and everything is fine. Then my best friend calls and tells me about her day and night. Her family day and family night. And the renovating they are doing to their home, and it just sparks the renovating my H told me he supposedly wants to do to our house two weeks ago. And it all comes barrelling down on me again. If its not one thing, its another. I try so hard not to let it bother me but its impossible.

citygirl, I'm definitely going to take your advice on the boundary making. I need to say that to him, for my own good. I hate being here sometimes and being paranoid he might just walk through the door at any time. Its uncomfortable for me.
Does your H push and pull as well? Mine does it constantly. Almost from one day to the next. He is hot one day wanting me and family time, the next he barely wants to talk to me, or if he does he gives me nothing. Then he's back to hot again then next encounter we have. Alot of it is the environment he is in. If he is out with the "guys" or at work, he doesn't need us, but if he is at a party where I would normally have gone, or a family event without his family, then he wants us. Why can't they realize they can have all that at home? I just want to tell him that, but obviously won't.

Today is the first day in almost 3-4 weeks, that I have had no contact with him. Its hard all over again.

Trent, I talked to H a couple of nights ago about sat. night. He assured me without me asking that she is so annoying. All she did was talk about herself all night. I know he dislikes her, he always has. His reputation at work would be ruined if he ever pursued anything with her as she applied to his service and they denied her because she has serious issues. So I'm not worried about her anymore. I don't know that he has changed his mind, but its been two weeks since the comment to the BIL and two weeks since our "breakthrough" conversation. How long is it going to take to finally come home. If he really wanted to would he not be here by now?

We have a joint email account that is under his name, but I always used it as well. I haven't used it in months, he knows that since I just use facebook now, and the other day was his work xmas party invite. He hasn't mentioned it to me yet, and everyday I go in there it just sits there. He keeps deleting the new emails that come in, but he leaves that one in the inbox. I hate seeing it there, cause it leads me to believe he is waiting to see how things go with us before then. His crew at work is pure couples. There isn't one single person. Those types of things bother H. There I go again, mind-reading.

[TrentC]

So I'm painting my living room, at its going great. I'm watching a great t.v show at the same time and everything is fine. Then my best friend calls and tells me about her day and night. Her family day and family night. And the renovating they are doing to their home, and it just sparks the renovating my H told me he supposedly wants to do to our house two weeks ago. And it all comes barrelling down on me again. If its not one thing, its another. I try so hard not to let it bother me but its impossible.

Then get yourself to a doctor first thing tomorrow. Talk to him about anxiety issues.

If it is a chemical imbalance, you cannot just "make" yourself feel better. You will sit there and dwell on thoughts and feelings you cannot control until you drive yourself mad.

Trent, I talked to H a couple of nights ago about sat. night. He assured me without me asking that she is so annoying. All she did was talk about herself all night. I know he dislikes her, he always has.

It's up to you if you want to believe him, but methinks he doth protest too much.

His reputation at work would be ruined if he ever pursued anything with her as she applied to his service and they denied her because she has serious issues.

He moved out of his house and left his wife and kids. This is not a guy who worries much about his reputation right now...

How long is it going to take to finally come home. If he really wanted to would he not be here by now?

Dammit, I'm going to start making you pay me a dollar every time you do this. Either that, or I'm going to find another thread to read because you cannot help yourself!

STOP TRYING TO HIS READ HIS MIND. I have said this at least once a day for the past week.

You cannot guess what is going through his mind right now. Can. Not.

You are literally wasting time and energy on this speculation, and spinning yourself out emotionally by doing so. It is harmful to your well-being, so WHY DO YOU DO IT?

He keeps deleting the new emails that come in, but he leaves [the xmas party invite] in the inbox. I hate seeing it there, cause it leads me to believe he is waiting to see how things go with us before then. His crew at work is pure couples. There isn't one single person. Those types of things bother H. There I go again, mind-reading.

Yes, you do. No matter how much we tell you not to, you have to waste time trying to figure it out, trying to find an angle to lift yourself up or knock yourself down.

I realize that part of this thread is just journaling. But it doesn't change the fact that you spend far too much time obsessing over his state of mind. You shouldn't need to journal it because it shouldn't matter to you.

Here's a simple solution to the Christmas party question: make other plans. You do not go to that Christmas party with him, no matter how much he wants you to. Find a Christmas concert to go to. Take the kids out and go sightseeing around the neighborhood at Christmas lights. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Anything but that party.

[TrentC]

Tell ya what: I'll make this easy by setting a boundary.

I feel extremely frustrated because you spend far too much time obsessing over things you cannot control. I feel that you really need to talk to someone about anxiety and depression issues, and see if there is anything they can prescribe to help you, before you go crazy.

Until I see that you have talked to someone -- and if you get a prescription, I want to see the name of the medicine and the dosage amount -- then I will refrain from posting to this thread.

The choice is now yours.

[motherof3]

I agree with Trent. See that Doc.

And also, under no circumstances are you to go to that Christmas party. No excuses.

[Lll54]

I'm sorry Trent. Hope you have a good night.

[TrentC]

I'm sorry Trent. Hope you have a good night.

I will break my silence because I posted this right before I walked out the door from work, so my post was composed hastily.

I'm not mad at you, and this isn't a punishment. Consider it an example.

I look forward to hearing what the doctor has to say.

[Lll54]

Just in to say I am halfway through painting the basement it looks good! Now off to have a coffee date with my sis. Just GAL'ing. Hope day one of my new DB'ing attempt is working...

[swimmingupstream]

You remind me so much of myself. I hope I do not step on your toes here but the obsessing part has to do with your self esteem and anxiety issues. I have delt with this for a long time and the ONE THING that helps me is running, for 1 hour and Yoga. I base my self worth and well being SO much on my husband I forgot about all of my great qualities. I am detaching right now..for the first time. It is a hard thing to do to not worry about every little thing that my H does, really. You have to work on yourself. You cannot change him. When you begin to do this you will feel so much stronger. You have no power in the marriage, I know because I feel this way too. I would beg and plead with my h to not leave me and guess what...he did one night and I said goodbye...let me know you are safe when you get to where you are going..guess what..he came back. Right now I am getting stronger, sure I have my bad days and right now..is an obessive bad time..but I will NEVER let him see it. I will not let him see how much he is hurting me. He does not deserve it nor does your H..Truth is, they are running away from themselves. Hang in there. Therapy will really help. I have done self help, vitimans, exercise..which has helped.

[RedHeadWife]

I just want to be here if he decided to come home to us.

What everyone is trying to get through to you is:

******WHAT IF HE DOESN'T COME HOME**********

All of the changes and GAL'ing are supposed to be for YOU, not to lure him back.

They are all things so that YOU love YOU and are ok if he doesn't come back in the long run.

I understand that you say you love your husband more than anything, but I also think there is probably a lot of fear of the unknown and being alone. I can remember those feelings very well. I was so scared of what was going to happen if he never decided to stay and what I was going to do in that event. I was so entangled in my life as it was (3 kids, etc.) that I had lost myself and didn't know who I was anymore. I was scared b/c I was afraid of being by myself, the person I didn't know anymore and didn't know what to do w/ anymore. I had absolutely no life outside of the home & work, no friends, nothing, what was I going to do w/o him? That's where the GAL'ing comes in. You HAVE to get out there & figure out who you are now. You have to dig deep and find that person you USED to be, but lost. She is still there somewhere.

As hard as it is to do things by yourself, you have to get out and find things that you like to do and start a life for YOURSELF.

That's what it is all about. Finding YOU again and being happy w/ YOU and then it doesn't matter whether he comes home again or not. Either way, you will be fine.

[Ready2Change]

AND UNTIL YOU FIND YOU AGAIN, HE WILL NOT COME HOME.

Find YOU. Find happiness alone. Find confidence without him. Find sexiness. Find contentment. When you find these things, they are attractive traits. Your happiness without him will be seductive.

You have a lot of work to do to YOU and ALL your energy needs to be focused on positive changes in your life and "Set your spouse free" so they can focus on themselves.....