Saffie, at the time when the A started, I was excited to start building a cabin on the mountain on a piece of land I own. We had picked that together but it was a gift to me, from my parents. We were making plans for years how great it would be to built it and have people over. In the begining I didnt see how reluctant he was going ahead with committing to a loan for the cabin. Very soon I resented him for not being a part of the process. A few months later, I dropped the issue because things were bad between us. Now I know, he didnt want anything that meant "future" to him binding us together. K
"And yes Frank, not all marriages can or should be saved. I agree. I think mine could and I am pondering on should." If it "could" then it surely "should".
"I am about to take the step and I am terrified." You will be stepping form darkness into light; so don't be afraid.
What is he like now? Do you think he would want to build the cabin now? When he speaks do you feel that he feels there is a future together?
Sometimes I think it is feelings like that which are more important than the OP or the job sitch. What is your gut telling you?
You can deal with grieving about OW and building trust again as you proceed down the line of rebuilding your M, if that is what you want to do.....but what are your insides saying about his commitment and the likely hood that you have set to bed the reasons that made him wander to the OW in the first place?
Also, talking about OW can come later. To me, it's about what YOU think and FEEL at the moment.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
"In the begining I didnt see how reluctant he was going ahead with committing to a loan for the cabin. Very soon I resented him for not being a part of the process." Best not to assume why he was reluctant. It may have been from financial or job insecurities; I've been there and done that so I know and so has Lan and a few others. And Kerry I've been doing OK the but extremely busy as a single dad and my home renovation which is now starting to look like a work of art.
Hi guys, fb2, it was his A and he wanted nothing to do with me in long term. He went from eager to do it, to stalling me, indifferent and then saying he never wanted to do it anyway. Because that's when he was in the first 3 months of his A. It's more than an assumption dont you think?
Saffie, I dont know if he would want that now. Since we arent together, I wouldnt ask him either. But he did want me to see a car he wanted to buy and took me there, and has no "limits" to his discussions about the future...
My gut feeling says he is honest. I am not clear if he is able to commit though, that he is able to do what it takes to put the reasons this happened to bed as you put it. K
Yes, there is still work to be done. That being said, I think there are possibilities as well. Just remember kindness begets kindness just as love begets love. The opposite side is equally true: anger begets anger and so on. Act towards him the way you want to be treated and don't reward the bad stuff. You have been learning these lessons for quite a while, your H on the other hand is just catching up.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
My gut feeling says he is honest. I am not clear if he is able to commit though, that he is able to do what it takes to put the reasons this happened to bed as you put it
The only way you will ever know for sure is if you try. Otherwise you will always ask yourself "what if". However, this needs to be done slowly. Watch and observe whether he continues to make the necessary changes. I think it would be a mistake to jump right in. The doubts are natural. I have them too. They may lessen as time goes on.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
