Not Me...Ever part 2

[brownidmom]

OUCH Gardener...

Though you are correct...

I read this from you last night and couldn't get it out of my head - Better your words then my thoughts haha...

Anyway, I thought long and hard about what you said and I realized, I have already made the decision...

My decision was made 20 years ago in God's house in front of family and friends...

My vows stated "For better or for worse" and that is and always has been my decision.

We have had "for better" and right now we have a "for worse" however I never once thought to bail when the going gets rough.

I don't have to like it and yes there are days when throwing in the towel would be easier but I am not a quitter - Never have been/Never will be.

I love my husband with all my heart and I will not give up on our marriage but more importantly I will not give up on getting him back to our Lord.

If I lost my marriage yet he came back to God, then I would be ok with that, however I still have the same feeling in my gut that I got 8 months ago when he first started with her that everything will be ok, we will come out of this with a better, stronger & more loving marriage...

That feeling has never left me, no matter the questions I have, no matter the doubts that swirl, no matter the fear I feel.

I have allowed this to consume my every thought and action, I have had days go by and I don't remember anything...

Like I am in a "fog" of my own but my "fog" is lifting...

I noticed that after I cut the other night...

The worrying isn't going to bring him back, the tears I cry at night aren't going to bring him back, the fear that overtakes me isn't going to bring him back, nothing I do will bring him back until he is good and ready...

So I woke up today with no worry, no fear, no tears...

I woke up with the realization that while I imagined I was standing at a crossroads, I was already on the road God wanted me on...

I am at this place in my life because He wants me here...

He has something for me to do and while I can can bitch and moan it didn't have to work out this way in order for Him to get my attention, apparently it really did.

As I was journaling a question last night, I "heard" the answer before I finished writing the question.

That pretty much did it for me.

(((Serenity)))

I have been lurking in your sitch for a few days since we have Gardener in common.


Your comments here really came at a time when I needed to have my beliefs reaffirmed. I said in sickness and health, for richer for poorer, for better for worse. I have been going through the worse for a VERY LONG TIME and lately, I sometimes look at that as my response from God. "This problem ain't goin' anywhere, kid. You have to make the choice if you want it to stop." Would He talk like that? Or is it the Enemy? My problem is that I don't know how to listen.

Anyway, thanks for the show of faith here. It helped me and many others, I'm sure.

I hope that you can hold onto this.

BIM