In shock...

[praying_in_GA]

Why is this so hard? Today is a day I feel like giving up and just letting him go. It hurts so much. I am so sad. I have two amazing kids that want my attention and I am sitting her crying.

[TrentC]

I spoke with my sister. She said that he doesn't have anyone else to talk to who has any insight into how I am feeling or how I am doing and he doesn't want to talk to me about it.

Tough darts. That's crappy, passive-aggressive behavior. He doesn't have any right to drag your family or friends into this.

And I say this as someone who tried pressing my wife's friends for insight early on, until my wife busted me for doing it. She said "If you want to know what is going on with me, ask me."

I told her I didn't need anyone in my family negatively impacting the situation right now. She said she doesn't say anything negative to him. Everything they talk about he already knows.

Then why is he talking to her if he knows all of this?

I probably should have kept my mouth shut, but my heart was aching.

This isn't that bad; it's a great opportunity to set a boundary for your sister (or any other family or friends that talk to him):

"I was sharing my feelings and thoughts about what I'm going through with you because I believed you'd respect my privacy. Since you have chosen not to, I'll find someone else to talk to."

So, now I know that in order for Last Resort to work I am going to have to do it around any and everyone incase it gets back to him.

Or find new people to discuss this with.

With counselors, doctors, and religious leaders there is usually an implicit (or legal, in the case of doctors and counselors) understanding that anything you tell them is to be held in strict confidence.

And of course, we won't tell.

[praying_in_GA]

Thanks Trent....it's good to know I didn't completely screw up by talking to her. I know she is either on the phone with him now or will be tonight telling him I asked her about it.

Should I mention anything to him?

She told me that she understands how much I want this to work and she knows how much I love him but that I can't change the way he feels...no one can. All I am asking for is positive thoughts from people, why is that so hard. She said she is not on either 'side' she wants to be there for everyone involved. She just seems so negative in relation to us trying to work this out and it depresses me even more.

[TrentC]

Thanks Trent....it's good to know I didn't completely screw up by talking to her. I know she is either on the phone with him now or will be tonight telling him I asked her about it.

Should I mention anything to him?

Well, you can quote my wife...

She told me that she understands how much I want this to work and she knows how much I love him but that I can't change the way he feels...no one can.

And this is why she needs to stay out of this. Your family loves you, but they want you to stop hurting more then they want to help you do what you think is right.

I had the same issue with my father; this is what I said to him, almost word-for-word:

"I appreciate that you love me and want to see me get through this. But this is my marriage, and my wife, and I will deal with both as I see fit. If you can't support me in this, then I don't feel the need to discuss this with you any further."

Feel free to steal that, too.

All I am asking for is positive thoughts from people, why is that so hard. She said she is not on either 'side' she wants to be there for everyone involved. She just seems so negative in relation to us trying to work this out and it depresses me even more.

This means she has some incentive for it to not work out, which brings up the possibility of an affair again...

[praying_in_GA]

I think she is trying to get me to the point of accepting that it is over. She has always been a single mother and there has always been some jealousy between us. I have always been jealous of her independent nature and she of my married life. I think she sees a divorce as a way to even the field for us almost. She had her kids in her teenage years while I waited to get married.

I think I will steal some of your words...thanks.

I already told her that if she is going to go back to H with what I say and feel then I can't talk to her anymore. She said she is sorry I feel that way, but she maintains she is not being a 'snitch' (for lack of a better word).

From here on out I am sticking to my new internet support system, my counselor at the church, and the few people in my life that are continuing to pray intensely for my R. I need that extra bump with God. I will not go in-depth with anyone but you all and the counselor.

I am going to finish DR tonight and I am thinking of ways to gather the money for a phone session or three. I think it would help me focus my thoughts and set my plan.

[TrentC]

I think she is trying to get me to the point of accepting that it is over. She has always been a single mother and there has always been some jealousy between us. I have always been jealous of her independent nature and she of my married life. I think she sees a divorce as a way to even the field for us almost. She had her kids in her teenage years while I waited to get married.

I've heard that in a lot of cases of divorce, there is someone outside the R who is advocating or pushing the R towards a divorce; that someone often turns out to be a friend or family member who is divorced (or worse, an OP).

If I were you, I would brace myself for the possibility of discovering an EA or PA between your sister and your husband. This could just be a case of sibling rivalry, but PuppyDogTails has a good affair detector and would be able to say for sure...

I think I will steal some of your words...thanks.

That's what they're there for.

I already told her that if she is going to go back to H with what I say and feel then I can't talk to her anymore. She said she is sorry I feel that way, but she maintains she is not being a 'snitch' (for lack of a better word).

Like I said, it's a perfectly reasonable boundary. When she is ready to keep your confidence, you'll open up to her again. It's her choice how to handle it. (I wouldn't hold my breath...)

From here on out I am sticking to my new internet support system, my counselor at the church, and the few people in my life that are continuing to pray intensely for my R. I need that extra bump with God. I will not go in-depth with anyone but you all and the counselor.

Good plan.

[praying_in_GA]

Thank you Trent. I appreciate the time you took to respond to me today.

I have to figure out a way to maintain the positive attitude even when I have all negativity bouncing around me.

[praying_in_GA]

I wanted to add. If I were to find out he had an affair or was thinking of having an affair, I would still want to work our M out to a R. If it were with my sister....as crazy as that seems to me, I honestly do not see that happening...it would take a little more thought before I would want to stay together.

I admit there are some red flags in his story that could point to an EA or PA. At this time I am still not 100% sure he is, but there is a small amount of doubt that he isn't.

He gave me 'permission' (his words, not mine) to start dating. At the time I told him no thanks. If he mentions it again I may say something like: "Hey, maybe I will!" or "Hey, that's something to think about.."

[TrentC]

He gave me 'permission' (his words, not mine) to start dating. At the time I told him no thanks. If he mentions it again I may say something like: "Hey, maybe I will!" or "Hey, that's something to think about.."

He wants to give you "permission" to date so it'll take the pressure off of trying to maintain the R.

That's not to say that you can't go out and do things with friends, and even enjoy the company of other men. You just might want to be careful what you call it...

[sandi2]

PIGA.....I thought I was being too suspicious but I saw the red flag when it went up. This would not be the first case where a woman betrayed her own sister and went after the BIL. I have personally known of three cases! Isn't that awful? It hurts so much worse b/c it is your sister.

The fact that there has been some jealousy between the two of you makes the case of her going after your H even stronger. I hardly think they are just talking about yours & his M stitch. They may have started out that way.....but that is not her interest right now! Even if she wasn't out to do damage--or to see if she could get him interested in her--or for whatever reason she had.....it could have become an EA with them talking that much together. He is vulnerable and she is taking advantage of the situation.

I don't know if you will take to this idea, but it's just a thought of how you "could" turn around and "use" her tattling to him. Here's what I'm thinking....Don't talk to her any more unless you decide to tell her (later) that you've done a lot of thinking and have decided that you were going to let him go. He's not worth it...and you've decided that you want to be free and single again. Keep it short and simple and don't fall into any of her traps of answering too many of her questions.

If you can tell her that with a convincing tone, then she will probably break her neck to tell him (before she stops and considers what she's really doing)... and then he will put his focus on you instead of her. The thought of you wanting to be free again....well, it will have his mind filled with all kinds of new concerns!

But, you will have to wait a few days to do this b/c I doubt she would believe your story right now. Then after you tell her that....don't discuss your M or H to her any more.

It's just a thought based on knowing how some people's minds work, but you know what you can endure and what you can't. I just know that people usually want what they can't have...and if your H thought you were no longer available to him, then he would be interested. Also, the thought of him with your sister is somewhat "taboo" for them and that adds to their excitement. So, maybe it would knock the props out.

(((PIGA))) I'm so sorry.