He is not happy! He is laying in the messy bed he made of his life, struggling financially, missing out on his family. Your dream is a product of your stress and fear - you are afraid that you will always be alone, and he really will be happy. But guess what, he ISN'T happy, and you aren't alone. You have the family and support he chose to reject. You can't even compare the OW to you, you are so far above her.
And you do post about things that bring you joy. The problem isn't that nothing brings you joy, but that you "let" the not-so-good moments overwhelm the moments of joy. (I put let in quotes because while I know some of it is thought patterns you are working on changing, I also know you have been depressed, and having experienced that myself I know how hard it is to drag your emotional state back up when it takes a blow)
Aren't you supposed to be doing a diary or something for C? I forget what she wanted you working on right now.
Make a list of ONLY the good things in each day somewhere. It's the little things that matter - Marc passing his test, waking up in the morning, seeing a flower, decorating for the holidays (which I know currently brings a lot of us bittersweet joy, but it gets easier as time puts distance from the wounds). A movie night with your girlfriends. Laughter.
It's not how hard you fall, it's how high you bounce that matters. If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through Life's challenges.
You are doing it.
(((Mishka)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Thank you both for pulling my head out of my arse! LOL!
That dream just really set my psyche wrong for the day. The crappy weather didn't help either. It's pouring still.
I think I must view joy and happiness as very different things.
Marc passing his test - excitement
Spending time with friends - fun
Making a step forward in healing - accomplishment
Those things are all great. I think I'm looking for something that no longer exists. It's that soul deep warm feeling that almost glows through you. I have a vague recollection of it in the distant past, but no idea how to connect to it.
I really don't think any of this is directly connected to Gabe. I'm not pining for him. I know for a fact that having him in my life now would be toxic, that he is toxic. The broom is welcome to him. The family unit is what I miss. The shared responsibility, companionship, support. Yes, I'm pushing through on my own but just barely hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I can't imagine doing this for the next 20, 30, 40 years. Struggling to just get to tomorrow is exhausting. Yuck.
This is all in my head. It's more to work through. Why a dream put me into this way of thinking, I just don't know. It probably just dredged up some more resentments.
So, just when I was getting deeper in the pit this morning something wonderful happened. Our power went out in my office. A power outage is wonderful? Yes, when it stops all work for 10 minutes and you get a breather. I walked into the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee and my boss followed me in there. She handed me a check and said to use it for Marc's Wii for Christmas!!!! I had told her about wanting to get him one and that I was hoping it would be something great we could do together. She gave me $150 toward it! I was flabbergasted! She is beyond compare!
In dark hours can come some great light.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I have been watching the black friday websites looking for a deal. Kind of a tradition in my family. We go out in a 'team' color so we can find each other. I'm hoping I can find a good deal on it. Even at the new lower price of $199 it's pretty good though.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
VOR reads along and tries to keep my mouth shut...
Dday and MichLT make good points and seem to have set you straight...they did leave out one important thing..
Gabe is a dick..
Good luck on the Wii...I hope you can find a good deal..
And, THIS is why I love Mike!!
That is too cool, you actually dress in the same color? I have heard of people sending one person to get in the check out line while the others go get the stuff they want.
I know there is a black friday website of some type where you can look at ads from tons of retailers ahead of time, in one place. I bet they will put some of the games on sale for that or sometimes as it gets closer to the holidays they will do 'bundles' with the Wii and a couple games thrown in for free. I'm jealous, I don't have one!!
