Looks like a good place for some more advice, so I've just bought a copy.
"If you want to be with me, you have to cut off all contact with him AND agree to a transparency plan. If not, then go and be with him and I will file for divorce."
Confrontational and demanding - would only fracture our R further and this is a final-final LRT. I am not at that stage.
Originally Posted By: Gynandtonix Why not wait until the time is right and she may do the 'no contact', there would be more chance of it happening.
The right time is NOW. You tell her that it's your way or the highway. This is confrontational and is Black and White. How does this show compassion, empathy and how is this not an aggressive boundary setting. Would this work if it was spoken to you - how would it make you feel?
Originally Posted By: Gynandtonix It also seems to be a 'one use' tactic/boundary. You cant ask for it twice. By George, I think he's got it. You tell her that it's you or this guy, and she has 5 minutes to make up her mind. And 5 mins later it would be the big D full steam ahead. Toot Toot. Aggressive and demanding - I could almost imagine the finger pointing and feet stamping.
The first and main example set by MW Davies under the 'While your spouse decides' posting is of a man who advocated the 'Be a friend' stratagem.
I did not agree with the 'Doormat' comment - I believe that a M is all about giving and taking. Just b/c I choose which of my battles to fight, (and win), and i do not agree with you does not make me a doormat. You do not have to rise to every challenge - my manhood and integrity is not in question. I am not fighting my personal battle on behalf of all men - just myself.
Yes, you have a communication problem - you lie to your wife. NOW this is very true. Just never thought of it in such simple terms - I thought I was protecting her from pain. Boy did I get this wrong. All I was doing was swapping a slight and small pain caused by a simple truth into a deeper pain of a lack of connection, honesty and separation between me and my WAW that lasted a hell of a lot longer.
I value ALL view points. I am not attacking or defending one stratagem Vs another. But I feel that I must pick and choose that which I perceive would best achieve my aims. It just so happens that the majority of my actions fall into the 'Be a friend' camp.
Does anyone know which stratagem has had the most success at reconciling an R.
Does anyone know which stratagem has had the most success at creating successful detachment and mental well being in the event of a D.
It seems to me that you could try the 'Be a friend' stratagem for the former, and then move onto the 'Forceful' stratagem for the latter.
I suspect that most attempts at reconciliation start off as the former and move into the latter - and your stellar advice is designed to shorten the painful journey.
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
