I never thought I would be here

[2overcome]

I know I have been trying to hit this early on... but looking on the inside I realize how damaged I am, and how much needs to be repaired... not just from this bomb but years of losing myself and who I once was, feeling lost. I think that once I get through that only then can I start turning things around... for the past few months I was thinking what was going on in my life, how I wasn't happy with myself or my life. (I was happy with my marriage just not myself). Just like the dream I had about pursuing music for example, I have always wanted to do that but felt it wasn't important and that it would never happen. I changed so much about myself that I lost who I really was... I think I could honestly say that I am searching for some identity

[robx]

I know I have been trying to hit this early on... but looking on the inside I realize how damaged I am, and how much needs to be repaired... not just from this bomb but years of losing myself and who I once was, feeling lost. I think that once I get through that only then can I start turning things around... for the past few months I was thinking what was going on in my life, how I wasn't happy with myself or my life. (I was happy with my marriage just not myself). Just like the dream I had about pursuing music for example, I have always wanted to do that but felt it wasn't important and that it would never happen. I changed so much about myself that I lost who I really was... I think I could honestly say that I am searching for some identity

2oc, I know where you're coming from, I hear alot of what you say and remember the guy I was for such a long time.

So do you wallow in sorry & self-pity until you're ready to get off your a$$.

If this were a band-aid, would you peel it off slowly (taking into account it's been on for a month and you put in on a very hairy portion of your chest) and just take the pain slowly and each moment while you're slowly pulling off that band-aid you agonize & sweat over it and even considering putting the band-aid back on and try again later? Or do you grit your teeth and just GIVE 'ER! Rip that thing off, let out a yelp and feel better afterwards?

Your choice.

I will remind you that you are choosing to do what you have always done - SUFFER SILENTLY.

Yup that's you, the silent sufferer.
Never willing to make waves, just be happy with what you've got, you should be thankful for your lot in life.

Or do you take responsibility for your actions.
Yes your wife has caused you some grief with these recent relationship revelations but you have alot of responsibility in this. All that silent suffering over the years has made you very attractive, you thought you hid it but you didn't and your wife didn't want to be around that anymore but since she was part of that pain, how dare she leave now, and what happened to "for better for worse"?!

No more slow, silent suffering.
It just sucks.

You lost yourself, you have the gift of finding yourself now.
You know where you are, you hit the bottom.
Good news though. Only direction available when you hit the bottom is UP!

You feel that "once you get through that and only then can you start turning things around" - you would think so but that kind of misery & suffering is self serving. You're not going to want to let go of that pain, it's who you are, you can't let it go, if you let it go, you have nothing to show for all these painful years. You want to hold on to that pain, it's your badge of honor, your war scars, etc.

Or you can do the counter-intuitive thing (you'll hear me use that term only a billion times around here) and let go of the pain. It's only comfortable to hold on to that pain because it's all you've known with all those years of slowly silently suffering. You're comfortable with it, it's what you know, you don't want to get out of that rut because you're comfortable with being stuck in it.

That's not comfort, trust me. It's just that's all you've known and you need to start learning differently.

Self-pity and all this pain are only going to re-inforce this theme of low self-esteem, low self-value and low self-confidence and you really need to turn this around if you want to turn this marriage thing around.

Seriously don't make me waste all this effort on you typing, you're giving me carpel tunnel syndrome.

Get off your butt, go somewhere, scream your head off, get angry, have your cry (not in front of her though) and let it all out, give yourself this weekend to do this and then enough of this pity party because we have plans to turn this thing around, the new direction remember?

UP!

[Steve McQueen]

"i love you but i am not in love with you" happened 7 days ago and you are already discussing separation and divorce. 7 days. you guys move quick. good for you in a way. but remember you still have alot of DBing to do. alot of counter-intutive thinking that even if it does not save your marriage will help you know yourself and how to effectively handle issues in your future relationships.

Her complaint is you did not meet her emotions needs? in her words, describe what that means and for how long you have been emotionally distant.

now in your words. how long has your marriage sucked? what can you not stand about her that you feel she needs to change to make this marriage last?

can you honestly live in the same house knowing your wife is sexing it up with another man?

and if you started dating would it break her resolve to find her own freedom and relationships?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Jesus was a pacifist, and full of forgiveness and compassion.

But He also knew when it was time to throw over the moneychangers' tables.

There is nothing noble in allowing "this crap behavior" (love that expression, Robx!) to go on, in your marital home, in front of your daughter.

Puppy

[chatterbug]

2OC lets do some math.

Say you go 5 weeks no contact to get 50 years of marriage thats what ??? 2595 weeks of marriage left
Say you go 5 months no contact to get 50 years of marriage thats what ??? 2575 weeks of marriage left

How about 2 years?
2496 weeks

This is the battle you are preparing for.

Space to plan and space to heal.

No matter what you do right now, its wrong in her eyes. So remove yourself from that picture. Remove yourself from that plan of the WAS. She can opt for plan C. Alone. You carry on with plan A and thats being the best 2OC there is.

1 week is tough. I was an emotional wreck until one night I had to hear her have a conversation with OM. My wife saying another mans name with need in her voice. Oh and that took a few weeks of Plan A's and bitting my tongue. But that was the final straw. I got up and told her to be gone in two days. She came upstairs and said she was sorry. That she was not thinking. I replied. You have not been thinking for the last 2 months. You are gone in 2 days. Take what ever stuff you can fit in your car. The rest will be placed in garbage bags for you to pick up. And I did it. Next day I removed every single picture of us. Took all her stuff and tossed it in a room. I even sorted through the cd's and dvd's and books. Moved them all. I also passworded protected the family computer. She was not getting one single reminder of her life the last 13 years. No pictures , no movies nothing. Only the ones on the wall. I put them in a garbage bag and placed them in the room in her hope chest. All birthday cards etc... I tossed in the recycle bin. I purged.

It felt great.

That night I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said.
Goodbye WAS.

Then that morning when she left. she walked up to me and said.

Goodbye Cutter.

As she knows I only say those words when I mean it.

And you know what.

Its 2 months later.

I survived. I am in the best shape I have been in the last 15 years. I feel like a 25 year old. I have really worked on myself and taught myself personal goals. I have great friends and family. I have kept it dark as I can be. I do not initiate conversation. I take care of myself. I keep in contact with her immediate family. I keep in contact with our common friends. I need only myself to live my life. Well that and an extra blanket. Weight loss and Novemember make for some cold nights.

If I had not done this. I would have hated my wife. I would have become completely bitter towards her. Instead. I have a little bit hidden away that I hold on to. That way. If the divorce is busted. And I decide that I want to start a new relationship with her. I have something to build on.

If she had stayed here and continued on with her abuse there would have been nothing to build on. It would have been hate and bitterness and tossing away 10 years of marriage ( good and bad ) and 3 good years of dating.

They will come at you over and over. You will see. They will continue to break you and push to keep you in the eye of the storm. They need justification for their actions. Believe me. And they will spout this to anyone who listens. You are worse than mud. You are the ex husband who has no spine. Or are you?

[chatterbug]

I do not know what is going on with my posts today. Must have eaten a box of wheeties this morning or something.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

And you know what.

Its 2 months later.

I survived. I am in the best shape I have been in the last 15 years. I feel like a 25 year old. I have really worked on myself and taught myself personal goals. I have great friends and family. I have kept it dark as I can be. I do not initiate conversation. I take care of myself. I keep in contact with her immediate family. I keep in contact with our common friends. I need only myself to live my life. Well that and an extra blanket. Weight loss and Novemember make for some cold nights.

If I had not done this. I would have hated my wife. I would have become completely bitter towards her. Instead. I have a little bit hidden away that I hold on to. That way. If the divorce is busted. And I decide that I want to start a new relationship with her. I have something to build on.

If she had stayed here and continued on with her abuse there would have been nothing to build on. It would have been hate and bitterness and tossing away 10 years of marriage ( good and bad ) and 3 good years of dating.

Wow. BINGO.

[BigJohn]

[quote=2overcome]Seriously don't make me waste all this effort on you typing, you're giving me carpel tunnel syndrome.

You don't have carpel tunnel syndrome already??

[2overcome]

Hello everyone, looks like I made it through the weekend. Tried keeping myself busy - went out Friday night to watch some bands play, went to a friend's house Saturday to play some guitar, then tried out a church Sunday. As I write this I am trying to push past some hurt, I am having one of those "hurt" moments. Through all that is going on, I have decided to give my marriage and my wife to God. This is easier said than done, because me being human - part of me has a hard time letting go, but I am praying to God to give me the strength and wisdom to be able to truly give this all to him. I think I was praying for the wrong thing in the beginning for a "quick fix". I now know that I am praying for God to turn my marriage around, but giving me strength and grace to focus on myself and giving me strength to change into a better man. I WANT to change - for myself. During the church service yesterday, the pastor said something that caught my attention - "Our future is better than our past...". I know it was God telling me something. IF that weren't all I was sitting in the pew when a lady came up to me and said "God told me to tell you that he loves you. He knows that you are feeling all alone and hurt, but he wants you to know that he is here with you...". I broke down into some heavy tears and a heavy heart. I had told no one of my situation there, and this was my first service attending at this church. I am focusing on re-establishing my relationship with God, I know for too long I was running from him. I am praying that he teaches me the true meaning of love, after all love is mentioned many times in the bible, and love is the greatest and strongest thing. I have realized that I lost focus on what love really is. I think we all might have... And I know that the Lord is capable of all things - I know he can turn this marriage around. But I need to do some work, and I need to change for the better and trust in him. I know I had mentioned last Friday about trying to move on and maybe start dating if I had to... I feel that is the wrong mindset to have, and I am not going that route. To me that just feels wrong. I was a fool for thinking that... On another note, after watching the bands and picking up my guitar this weekend, I have this desire to take up songwriting again. A thought crossed my mind of putting my experiences to songs - maybe even putting together an album called "Through the Valley of Despair". I want it to reflect the pain that one goes through, but later how one can find strength in spite of their situation and overcome... I guess for me it is my form of therapy

[2overcome]

Well yesterday, just as I thought as was holding it together pretty well - My wife called and told me she had pawned off her wedding rings. That definately cut deep. Looks like she is not wasting any time. Despite that, I am choosing to continue to keep mine on. If it comes down to D being final and legal - well that's a different story. Still working on the LRT, it feels unnatural but I suspect if I keep at it will become second nature. Doing my best to be the good soldier and push through the mine field...