I am sorry it has taken me this long to respond to your post but the only computer I have access to right now is at work and had to leave work early yesterday to see lawyer. But to answer some of your questions, you wanted to know what I thought my part was in the problems we were having. Well for one thing WAW had told me at one point that I did not take care of her.This is probably true. I think I held her responcible for the dept we are in since she handled all our finances and she kept saying we could afford all the things we were doing at the house. So I left it up to her to figure out how we were going to get out of dept.I think she got tired of this and working second job. Even though I was taking care of the kids and keeping the house clean I was not giving her the emotional support she needed. I figured if I had spent the all my spare time the 3 years prior to this working on the house she could work a part time job a few years to get us out of dept. It got to the point where she alwys seemed in a bad mood and most evenings when she came home she went straight to the bedroom with little communication between us. Over the last year she realy started to withdraw from the family and I did nothing to find out what the problems were. She had also said several times before she droped the bomb that I didn't show her affection any more. MY usual responce was that she had also quit showing me affection and when she started showing me affection again I would show her affection.
You had also asked what I had done to change the behaviors I need to change. Since we are seperated it has been hard to show WAW affection and that I will be there to take care of her. Also at this point that would probably be persueing behavior. The few times that I do see WAW face to face she seems to be really angry at me and hardly says anything to me. I have been trying to take more responcibility especially with decisions about the kids. I have always done my part and more when it has come to taking care of the children but WAW made most of the dicisions concerning them. We used to dicuss issues before decisions were made, but it seems at some point WAW started making alot of these decision on her own. Recently at the beginning of the school year WAW told me had she had discussed with D7's teacher about getting her tested.[D7 has had trouble learning certain things] I had tried to e-mail teacher a couple of times and got no reply so I called her. WE were discussing D7 and the testing. This just happened to be the evening WAW drove up with divorce papers so I had to cut conversation short with teacher.The teacher had told me that we could get D7 tested through the public school system and it would not cost anything.{D7 and S17 go to small private school] DB coach had also suggested that I look into testing through public school system but WAW had said public school system sucked and she did not want to use them. I mentioned that D7's teacher had said we could get her tested through public school system to my wife and she said she had talked to a private facility about testing. A couple of weeks later I was talking to D7's teacher and she told me that she could go ahead and get things started if we wanted to test through public school system. I had also talked to several people who had their kids tested this way and all of them said every thing went fine. I sent my wife text about what the teacher had told me and she got very angry and said I was just tring to undermine her and that she had already made an apointment for D7 to be tested at private facility. She also said that she saw alot of the public school councelors as patients and that most of them are crazy. She also made a few more rude comments about people that would be involved if D7 was tested through the public school system. I texted WAW and asked why wasn't I involved in the decision that she had made. She texted back and said that I had not wanted to make these kind of decisions for the last 10 years so it was just habit on her part nothing sinister just habit. At this point I called WAW and we got into argument over the phone. I was actually just trying to take more responcibility and help WAW but it seemed to backfire in my face.
You had also wanted to know what may have caused me to be suspicios that there may be OM.
I really don't think there is am OM but at this point I dont think it would supprise me either. But to begin with she was doing a lot of texting and on the computer alot.She said she was talking to her best friend a lot about our situation. Also there was a time that she had gone to the store and when she got home I went out to help her get things out of the car. She told me that all she had bought was new sunglasses. I checked in her car later and found a bag with new pajamas in it. This really made me suspicios because she had told me that she was working that weekend and that the Dr. who owns the clinic she was working at was paying for her to get a motel room so she would not have to drive home Sat. night and then drive back Sun. mourning.[A little over an hour drive one way] She had told me that she was supossed to meet with the Dr. and his personell director for dinner after work to discuss WAW going to work for him full time.[she worked until 7pm at this job] I confronted her about pajamas and we ended up getting into big fight and she told me she did not want me staying in the house that night so I stayed at her mothers house that I was moving into that weekend. The next week she had D7 call and say she wanted to come stay with me.{don't know if this was WAW or D7's idea] I agreed so she came over to spend the night with me. WAW had forgot to send her pillow so I called her and told her we were coming to get D7's pillow. When we got there D7 went in and I followed her. WAW was in bed with cover pulled up to her neck. D7 noticed something and started pulling cover off her mom. WAW was wearing some more revealing pajamas than she usually wears around the house. They were not new but not what she usualy wears. So I look on the floor on the other side of the bed. This makes WAW really mad and she gets up and starts opening closet and bathroom doors asking if I need to look in there aslo. I end up appologizing and going back to M.I. house. I think it may have been that same week WAW told me she was going with her gilrfriend to a convention in Myrtle Beach S.C..A few weeks later I found where WAW had bought an airplane ticket when I checked our bank account.When I confronted her about this she said she was not going to Myrtle Beach, that the convention was in Florida. She said she did not want to tell me where she was going because she thought I may try to follow her.She had caught me the week before going through one of her bags. Anyway this lead to another fight and she said it was over between us. I talked to her later and and asked her to give the seperation some time to see if we could work things out. Db coach told me that if I didn't stop my behavior of of checking behind her and insinuating there was OM that I was just going to drive her away. DB coach also said alot of WAW's behavior could be atributed to just trying to make herself feel better.
You also wanted to know if I had already moved out.
Yes I have which I have already talked about above. I know that was a mistake now. At one point I told her that I wasn't going to move out, that if she wanted a seperation she would have to move out. WAW then told me that we could go ahead and get divorce lawyers and get a divorce so I agreed to move out.
Right now me and WAW have very little comunication and its usually about the kids and usually by text message. When I do she WAW face to face ,like at S17 football game Fri night, she seems very angry at me and hardly even ackknowledges me. I did have a seperate checking acount set up for myself about the middle of Oct. I also went and got seperate cell phone service.[my old cell phone was on her plan] When I told her I had gotten seperate checking account she got mad. She had told me that she wanted me to wait until Nov before I set up my own account. I also got some nasty text messages when I told her about checking account but I have finaly learned not to respond to these. D7 told WAW about new cell phone and WAW texted me wanting to know when I was going to tell her and when could she have my old cell phone cut off. I told her she could have it cut off the next day but it still has servive and that was 3 weeks ago. MY question now is do I stay detached from WAW or do I try to start being more friendly and try to have more comunication with her. Lately I have tried not to contact her unless she contacted me first. I know this is getting long and I have typed about all I can today[really slow typing]. I have to pick my D7 up from dance class tonight and told S17 to meet us after class and we would go somewhere and get dinner.
Thank you "givingitmyall" for responding and for the list it will be yery helpfull any other advice from anyone out there would be appreciated.
thanks, wmp549
Me 48 WAW 45 S17 D7 bomb July 3 moved out July 24 WAW brought me Divorce papers Sept 23
