Magnificent

[mishka422]

Thank you both for pulling my head out of my arse! LOL!

That dream just really set my psyche wrong for the day. The crappy weather didn't help either. It's pouring still.

I think I must view joy and happiness as very different things.

Marc passing his test - excitement

Spending time with friends - fun

Making a step forward in healing - accomplishment

Those things are all great. I think I'm looking for something that no longer exists. It's that soul deep warm feeling that almost glows through you. I have a vague recollection of it in the distant past, but no idea how to connect to it.

I really don't think any of this is directly connected to Gabe. I'm not pining for him. I know for a fact that having him in my life now would be toxic, that he is toxic. The broom is welcome to him. The family unit is what I miss. The shared responsibility, companionship, support. Yes, I'm pushing through on my own but just barely hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I can't imagine doing this for the next 20, 30, 40 years. Struggling to just get to tomorrow is exhausting. Yuck.

This is all in my head. It's more to work through. Why a dream put me into this way of thinking, I just don't know. It probably just dredged up some more resentments.

So, just when I was getting deeper in the pit this morning something wonderful happened. Our power went out in my office. A power outage is wonderful? Yes, when it stops all work for 10 minutes and you get a breather. I walked into the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee and my boss followed me in there. She handed me a check and said to use it for Marc's Wii for Christmas!!!! I had told her about wanting to get him one and that I was hoping it would be something great we could do together. She gave me $150 toward it! I was flabbergasted! She is beyond compare!

In dark hours can come some great light.