I'm sorry you feel that way Puppy. Honestly, I don't try to agonize you. Sometimes I write on here as a sense of journaling, I'm sorry.
I agree I think I may need to see a doctor. I just can't seem to get over this. My pain is so fresh, like the day he left. I thought I was a strong woman, but I think I fool myself sometimes. I mentioned meds to my MC, he agreed sometimes it may help, he didn't know if it was necessary in my situation though.
This whole boundary thing..has anybody had their S's become angry over the boundary you set? How did you get past that? Just my fear.
I'm on my way out, I'm going to buy paint. Gonna spend the rest of the day painting...
Yes, I am definitely co-dependent. Thanks Trent for pointing that out again. I didn't realize when I wrote that sentence how I was being. You're right I'm am a H pleaser. Its getting me nowhere. I need to fight my fears and just do it. If there is one thing I'm going to do this week it is going to be setting a boundary. I owe it to myself. I've done it before I can do it again. He did walk out on me, I just try to do the DB'ing part where you act as if...act like i'm living my life and everything is fine, and I don't need him. So when I set a boundary I just need to go about it in a nice way..true?
Just go about it matter of factly. Did he go about leaving you in a nice way?
Originally Posted By: britt54
Sadgirl, I get the point of H being a want not a need. How did you get to that point? I know in my heart that H is a want, but I still feel like he is a need...Hmmm...
Because I love myself more than I love him. I would like to be with him, but if not, that's fine. Someone even better is out there for me. Plus, the more you need something, the less likely you'll get it. I need a million dollars, but so far....nada.
Originally Posted By: britt54
Sadgirl, you're right, I should be angry with him. I'm just a worrywart. I get that from my father. He is the BIGGEST worrywart ever. My sister is so frustrated with how I can't seem to have an ounce of anger in my body toward him but I love the man and support him and hope he is just making a small stupid mistake. I don't want to get angry I just want to be here if he decided to come home to us.
IMO, it's not a matter of him deciding to come home so much as you deciding to let him.
IMO, it's not a matter of him deciding to come home so much as you deciding to let him.
This is a very good point. During this difficult time in your life, you have a great opportunity to grow, if you choose to do so. Take control of YOUR life. Take responsibility and stop being the victim. Reflect on what got you to this point. Make changes to get to a better place.
He chose to walk out. Let him live some natural consequences of his choice.
Always been nice, Go to the bookstore and find a book . I have not read it, but I feel the title says it all -->
"Why men like B*tches"
I feel there is a big difference between nagging and being assertive.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Because I love myself more than I love him. I would like to be with him, but if not, that's fine. Someone even better is out there for me. Plus, the more you need something, the less likely you'll get it. I need a million dollars, but so far....nada.
SG, I copied what you wrote similiar to this on the detachment thread.
this is the opposite of co-dependence ---- independence
this is healthy.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I feel there is a big difference between nagging and being assertive.
I believe it is the same difference between using controlling behavior and setting healthy boundaries.
Nagging = controlling behavior Assertive = setting boundaries that he can choose to respect
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
3 boundaries: 1. I'm going to ask him to call before he comes over.
3 GAL activities: 1. going to a spa party on wed. 2. going to another spa party on the weekend, as well as a craft fair. 3. gonna paint my living room
3 180's: 1. Not be available for him
That didn't work very well. Sorry R2C. I can't come up with some of the answers!
I just went out and got paint and it felt good to get out of the house. I have to admit.
Sadgirl, you are in an awesome place. There is no co-dependency whatsoever in you. I only wish. I talked about it with my MC yesterday and he explained it to me as he is in an ex-alcoholic and that's where it stemmed from. He thinks from 1 of of 100, I'm 150 percent co-dependent. I see it now. A few of you have pointed out when I am showing the behaviors. I have to start wanting to be a better person for me whether he decides to share that with me is one thing, but I need to do it for me.
I feel much better now, that I left the house and am doing something for me. It will be nice to have a warm cozy basement to come into. I'm excited!
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
3 boundaries: 1. I'm going to ask him to call before he comes over.
So where are 2 and 3?
Originally Posted By: britt54
3 GAL activities: 1. going to a spa party on wed. 2. going to another spa party on the weekend, as well as a craft fair. 3. gonna paint my living room
Sounds good.
Originally Posted By: britt54
3 180's: 1. Not be available for him
That didn't work very well. Sorry R2C. I can't come up with some of the answers!
No partial credit! Keep thinking...
Originally Posted By: britt54
I feel much better now, that I left the house and am doing something for me. It will be nice to have a warm cozy basement to come into. I'm excited!
I really think you need to talk to someone about anxiety and co-dependence while you have a chance this week. Especially if you can get a prescription for something filled before you get the kids back.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I know. I'm going to go to the clinic tomorrow and talk to a doctor. That's is on my list.
Boundaries: 2) if he brings up sleeping here sunday night again I won't let him.
I feel like I am constantly 180'ing! Its so hard not to pick up the phone and call him because I miss him. I used to do that constantly. No matter where he was. I was very needy that way, I needed constant contact with him. I don't initiate contact at all anymore. It is a struggle but I do it everyday.
This next part is just journaling, so don't get upset Puppy, and don't hit your head against the wall Trent. I don't expect advice cause I know you can't give it to me.
I can't get out of my head that my BIL said he came to him and said he wanted to give it another shot. He hasn't told me that and I just want to know what has changed so much in the last two weeks to make him not want to anymore.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
I can't get out of my head that my BIL said he came to him and said he wanted to give it another shot. He hasn't told me that and I just want to know what has changed so much in the last two weeks to make him not want to anymore.
How do you know he's changed his mind? Until he files, he's not done.
As for what might have changed, there is the OW from the banquet...
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Well, you *could* get that comment from your BIL out of your head you are simply choosing not to. Actions speak louder than words so comments are simply that... comments.
Welcome to the world of the push and pull of the WAS. One day they can't get enough of you and the next day they act as if you don't exist. They are scared and confused people.
WAS for some reason feel they actually have the power to give a LBS "false hope". Hence the reason they rarely share what they are thinking. If they were actually thinking at all they would realize that nobody has the power to give anybody false hope unless you let them.
As far as your boundary #2 I would not use the term "let him" as it sounds controlling. I would say... "H, I would prefer it if you no longer spent the night here since you don't live here anymore. Its best we maintain separate households until we work out all the particulars. Also, I would appreciate it, since you chose to no longer live here, if you would call prior to coming over and knock instead of using MY key" Then say NOTHING more.
Say all that with confidence and a HUGE smile then saunter away like you are a Victoria's Secret model. Do not engage in any further talk about it. If he has anything to say about it simply respond with "yup, separation is tough business for ALL involved" (I tell my H that all the time).
With all due respect you just need to grow a pair. Since we are ladies they can be sparkly and cute but you need them.
