Can I save my marriage?

[TrentC]

I hear everyone's advice. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I get now why maybe I'm not successfully DB'ing. My fear is my worst enemy right now. I'm scared to put that boundary up about walking in when he pleases because I don't want him to get mad at me.

That is the textbook definition of co-dependant behavior.

We get along so great that I feel like if I let him do what he wants then he will continue to be happy around me and eventually want to come home to our happy home.

And how has that been working for you, anyway? Week 7 of trying to do your best to please him, and how much closer is he to coming home?

Answer: it's not working. You know it's not working, but you want to be right rather than do what is right.

If I set those boundaries then it causes anger and then there goes my chances. That's is just the feelings in me right now.

And because you keep going with your feelings, you've gotten nowhere. Which is what we've been saying, and what the book says.

I am going to avoid contact at all cost for the next day or two. The kids come back tomorrow night so I can really only avoid it today and most of tomorrow. But it will be better than the everyday contact we've been having lately.

Wait, I thought you had a week to yourself?

I feel like my H wants to come and go as he pleases because its still his house. ALL his stuff is still here. ALL his clothes are still in the closet and dressers. Nothing has changed except for when he removed a handful of clothes out in a suitcase. I think he would be mad because it IS still his house and HIS stuff IS still all here. ????

Remember this: He walked out on you and the kids. He's pretty damn lucky that he doesn't come home tomorrow and find all of his stuff in garbage bags on the sidewalk.

[Super Girl]

Sadgirl, how did you set that boundary of your H needing to be invited in? Are you in a new home or the house you both lived in?

Yes, I am in the home we shared. His stuff is all around me. I set the boundary by telling him he need to call and knock. He chose to leave, so he has no right just sauntering in like he owns the place. I've said this to you before...his personal belongings are just stuff.

You are exaggerating the importance of him. He is a want, not a need. The more you focus on him, the less successful you will be. You have to relax so you can win.

[Ready2Change]

It was a wonderful day when I was alone and happy. It took perseverance and a lot of personal growth.


There is a healthy ballance between :

1) Family time
2) Alone time
3) Social time

Do things for YOU that make you happy. Find pleasure in being alone. 'Living a beautiful life' is a great book that gives many ideas on this.

I go to dinner alone and enjoy it. I get interactions with people. I interact with almost everyone I come in contact with. I have many new relationships and nurture each one.

[Ready2Change]

Remember this: He walked out on you and the kids. He's pretty damn lucky that he doesn't come home tomorrow and find all of his stuff in garbage bags on the sidewalk.

That might shock him. A good 180? Change the locks too......He is a selfish man. He should beg to come back.

[Super Girl]

This whole boundary thing..has anybody had their S's become angry over the boundary you set? How did you get past that? Just my fear.

He left you. You are the one who should be angry. Don't spend another minute worrying if he is angry. Gah!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think we're wasting our time here.

C'mon, Puppy, let's give her a chance. She's a young girl and she's hurting.

I'm sorry it came across as so harsh, Britt, but there are a LOT of people hurting on here, and sometimes it's like triage to get to everyone and try to help them. It gets frustrating when someone doesn't even take it to the VERY FIRST step, and just keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. Maybe Trent and others have patience for that; I regret that I do not.

Until you are MORE afraid of not doing "The Right Thing to Do" than you are of losing/angering your husband, you will get nowhere.

Some people "get" that right away; others take a year or more. Personally, I took over 6 months. I'm just saying that until you DO get to that point, no advice in the world is going to do you any good, you're NOT going to be able to follow it, and we'd all do better to just give you encouragement and support, and not really ADVICE.

Puppy

[Super Girl]

Okay, I agree with you there, Puppy. Britt, stop being afraid of losing your H. He packed up and left you and your babies. You have already lost him. You're afraid of something that has already happened. Listen to everyone, please. There is only one way to get him back, and you ain't doin' it. LOL

[Lll54]

Yes, I am definitely co-dependent. Thanks Trent for pointing that out again. I didn't realize when I wrote that sentence how I was being. You're right I'm am a H pleaser. Its getting me nowhere. I need to fight my fears and just do it. If there is one thing I'm going to do this week it is going to be setting a boundary. I owe it to myself. I've done it before I can do it again. He did walk out on me, I just try to do the DB'ing part where you act as if...act like i'm living my life and everything is fine, and I don't need him. So when I set a boundary I just need to go about it in a nice way..true?

Sadgirl, I get the point of H being a want not a need. How did you get to that point? I know in my heart that H is a want, but I still feel like he is a need...Hmmm...

Readytochange, you're right. He is a selfish man. My MC said that as well. He walked out on us and is demanding the garage door opener to the house so he can come and go when he pleases. How fair is that? I can't come and go when I please into his sisters house? He wants to be able to do what ever he wants in life and that's one of the main reasons why he left. He was tired of having a nagging wife. Yes I nagged. I'm sure you all can't believe it...hehe...I had problems, and I work on them everyday. I feel I've made many personal changes in myself since he left. But Trent is right, have not applied DB'ing very well. I think I need to get the DR book. Cause the DB one doesn't seem to have very much for me.

Sadgirl, you're right, I should be angry with him. I'm just a worrywart. I get that from my father. He is the BIGGEST worrywart ever. My sister is so frustrated with how I can't seem to have an ounce of anger in my body toward him but I love the man and support him and hope he is just making a small stupid mistake. I don't want to get angry I just want to be here if he decided to come home to us.

[Ready2Change]

So B54,

1) Tell us 3 boundaries that you will set.

2) Tell us 3 GAL activities you will do.

3) Tell us 3 180's you will implement.

[TrentC]

Yes, I am definitely co-dependent. Thanks Trent for pointing that out again. I didn't realize when I wrote that sentence how I was being. You're right I'm am a H pleaser. Its getting me nowhere.

You keep saying this, but you don't seem to get it.

I need to fight my fears and just do it. If there is one thing I'm going to do this week it is going to be setting a boundary.

No, what you should do is a) talk to someone about anxiety issues, and b) talk to someone about co-dependancy.

Until you address either or both of those, you aren't going to get anywhere. You'll still be wrapped up in trying to please him, and trying to eradicate any sense of yourself to hold onto him.

My sister is so frustrated with how I can't seem to have an ounce of anger in my body toward him but I love the man and support him and hope he is just making a small stupid mistake. I don't want to get angry I just want to be here if he decided to come home to us.

Why do you "love and support him"? What has he done recently to earn your support?

He's not making a "small stupid mistake"; that's enabling his behavior, and minimizing what he did. He walked out on his family. That is not a normal reaction to family problems. That is not how someone who loves you should choose to deal with you.