Can I save my marriage?

[Super Girl]

You are not DB'ing because you are not detached. You spend every second looking for clues and reasons as to why your H is acting like he is. You are not setting personal boundaries and you are not putting the focus 110% on you.

Just because he contacts you daily it doesn't mean you have to respond. When he contacts you, you jump at the chance for any crumb he throws your way.

Stop saying you are doomed. If you think you are doomed than you are. There is no timeline for this process. If you were told you had cancer you would have to be positive that you would beat it. You would not give up and say you are doomed. Adopt that mindset. Right now there is a "cancer" in your marriage but it wont doom you unless you let it.

Nobody knows why he isn't coming home so stop obsessing about it. The person who cares least about the R has all the control and right now your H cares least and he knows he is in the drivers seat.

Stop answering all his calls. Start setting boundaries. Stop being so available to him and start showing him what his life will be like w/o you as a wife.

You do way too much speculating about what your H craves. Maybe he is just being nice and trying to set the tone so the both of you can be good co-parents and nothing more. Maybe he feels sorry for you or is so racked with guilt he cant see straight. Nobody knows so stop trying to figure it out.

I for one would not allow my H just to stroll in as he pleased. If your H chooses not to live at home then he can call ahead of time and knock on the door just like any other guest would.

Go hardcore for YOU.

Spot on.

I make my H call first, and he must ring the doorbell and be allowed into the house. He doesn't live here.

[Ready2Change]

I try so hard to avoid contact with him.

There is a difference between trying and doing.

But when he comes over for swimsuits. I'm on the couch watching t.v and he strolls in and sits down on the chair, what am I to do?

You have lots of choices. You can continue to let him stroll in (is that working?). You can set a boundary - "I feel disrespected when you just walk into my house without being invited."

I think he still craves that contact with me. In a way he still needs that "wife" interaction with me.

Make him crave it MORE. AVOID CONTACT.

That's why I am soooooooo confused right now.

It is confusing and also counter intuitive, but that is OK. We grow during the tough times.

Its been 3 days of crying now. My face looks like a watermelon. My heart is so shriveled up it probably looks like a raisin.

I am so sorry. HUGS. It is OK and normal to cry, just DO NOT DO IT IN FRONT OF SPOUSE. Feel the feelings. It is healthy. DO NOT STUFF them.

A very good 180 to put in place:
"Focus your attention on YOU and take it off of SPOUSE" Keep making positive change in you.

[TrentC]

I'm on the couch watching t.v and he strolls in and sits down on the chair, what am I to do?

Say "hey" and keep watching TV. Let him do what he needs to do and then go.

I think he still craves that contact with me. In a way he still needs that "wife" interaction with me. That's why I am soooooooo confused right now.

Yes because you are still trying to mind-read, after weeks of being told that it won't get you anywhere. You say you know better, but you keep doing it. As long as you keep doing it, you will keep driving yourself insane.

STOP IT.

Trent, I know I screwed up on Sat. But could you please tell me why you feel I am not really DB'ing? I feel like I am, but if not I could really use your thoughts so I can get started! Thank you so much.

You are not DB'ing yet because you cannot detach. As CityGirl says, you have not set any boundaries; he gets to live his life however he wants, and you go out of your way to make yourself available for him.

The banquet is a perfect example; you knew it would make you unhappy to go, but he talked you into going because you convinced yourself that he would make it easy on you, even when you knew that's not what he was going to do. The other woman was just extra icing on the crap cake that you set up for yourself.

Until you start living your life for you and your kids, and not for your husband or for your marriage, you are fighting a losing battle. You will make yourself miserable and you won't make any headway with him.

You said earlier that you were "wasting another day" at home. This is another example of not detaching, because I bet somewhere there is a hope that he will stop by for some reason.

You say that you think he craves contact with you? There's one way to find out for sure. Don't give it to him and see what happens. Go and buy some paint and paint your room. Or go to the library. Or go to meetup.com and find something to do. Check the Living section of your paper.

Better yet, get dressed and head to your doctor, or an urgent care facility, and talk to them about your anxiety and see what they can do for you. I did this before I got an IC and they were able to prescribe something for me that day.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think we're wasting our time here.

[TrentC]

I think we're wasting our time here.

I dunno, I was spiraling down in much the same way until I got on some anti-anxiety meds.

Maybe if she does the same, the rest of this will be easier for her.

[Lll54]

I hear everyone's advice. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I get now why maybe I'm not successfully DB'ing. My fear is my worst enemy right now. I'm scared to put that boundary up about walking in when he pleases because I don't want him to get mad at me. We get along so great that I feel like if I let him do what he wants then he will continue to be happy around me and eventually want to come home to our happy home. If I set those boundaries then it causes anger and then there goes my chances. That's is just the feelings in me right now. I am going to avoid contact at all cost for the next day or two. The kids come back tomorrow night so I can really only avoid it today and most of tomorrow. But it will be better than the everyday contact we've been having lately.

Sadgirl, how did you set that boundary of your H needing to be invited in? Are you in a new home or the house you both lived in? I feel like my H wants to come and go as he pleases because its still his house. ALL his stuff is still here. ALL his clothes are still in the closet and dressers. Nothing has changed except for when he removed a handful of clothes out in a suitcase. I think he would be mad because it IS still his house and HIS stuff IS still all here. ????
I think maybe the tears are starting to stem from the fact that I feel like he is moving on. I haven't cried in a few weeks and now I can't seem to stop...I think its all part of me letting go. And also this unbearable loneliness, I am having a hard time being so alone. I don't have my children, and I am just plain lonely. Its the middle of the day, middle of the week and people are working. You're right though, I am obsessed with him. How do you not be? How does everybody go so many years of seeing and talking to that person every day and know what they are up to every second, to now knowing a thing? I am petrified of this coming weekend. My H only works days, so he'll be off at 7 every night and then off to interact in his new found social life while I'm at home with the kids. Its gut wrenching. Its been 6 weeks and it isn't getting any easier. It did for a while, but then the man shows me mixed signals and I'm back to square one. So I guess its time to saddle up and jump on this DB'ing horse once and for all. I need to "man" up. ha ha. If there is any way I'm going to "R" with my H than i need a new approach cause he isn't home yet, so whatever i'm doing or not doing isn't working. Thanks again everybody. I really appreciate everyone's input. I read your posts over and over and it gives me a little energy to get on with it.

[Ready2Change]

I think we're wasting our time here.

Spaced repetition is the key to learning. If what we are doing is not working, lets try something new.....

Somewhere it should click.

[Ready2Change]

Facing my fears was a huge 180 for me.

Fearing D was NOT HEALTHY. Guess where that got got me......

Fearing W's reactions was NOT HEALTHY. Guess where that got me...... It is now OK with me for MsR2C to be angry. Her issue, not mine. I take responsibility for how I react to her when she is angry. I can set healthy boundaries and walk away. "I will not be yelled at. When you calm down, I will listen" and then walk away....

[Super Girl]

I think we're wasting our time here.

C'mon, Puppy, let's give her a chance. She's a young girl and she's hurting.

[Lll54]

I'm sorry you feel that way Puppy. Honestly, I don't try to agonize you. Sometimes I write on here as a sense of journaling, I'm sorry.

I agree I think I may need to see a doctor. I just can't seem to get over this. My pain is so fresh, like the day he left. I thought I was a strong woman, but I think I fool myself sometimes. I mentioned meds to my MC, he agreed sometimes it may help, he didn't know if it was necessary in my situation though.

This whole boundary thing..has anybody had their S's become angry over the boundary you set? How did you get past that? Just my fear.

I'm on my way out, I'm going to buy paint. Gonna spend the rest of the day painting...