Did the pumpkins last night, toasting the seeds tonight, picking up wife's costume this evening. Bow-chicka-wow-wow. ; ) Actually it is just an accompanying pirate captain costume to go along with hand made one her mother made for me.
Hence...why many old timers in MLC call me pirate.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Well what a few interesting days. For the most part last week was just a constant supply of things to do. So basically I went dark with no intention since I was so busy running around. The only real thing I noticed was that my wife was less active talking with all her friends. She even said she just wanted to be alone and not bothered.
So then Saturday morning I ran out an got some muffins early in the morning. When my wife wakes up, she notices the muffins and proceeds to inform me that my spending habits were a big cause of our marital discord and that I need to do better. Wow...she hasn't talked like that in a long time.
So then she goes to work and I do my usually Saturday activities.
Then the even bigger WOW. I go to play football Sunday morning and when I return...she is actually cleaning. In the last 1.5 years the only cleaning she did was the bathroom once. I go to my sons soccer game and return home to her still cleaning and the front steps sweep of leaves. Shortly there after she tells me that she is finally feeling good and things need to start getting in shape around the house. Where did this woman come from? I think I remember her from about 3 years ago, but I haven't seen her in a long time. We actually spent a good part of the day joking and goofing off playing computer games against one another.
Then today, the few times I saw her, she was talking about work and some problems there. Actually continuing the confiding trends that has grown more and more over the last month.
Jack-Opinion? Also hope you are having a good day.
1) Thank her for the work? Honestly, not like "kissing her butt over the top thanks."
2) Offer to help, as in, "Anything I can do to help out?"
As a man/husband, part of my journey in this was to learn NOT to take over a project from her. Women...I have found...don't actually like that. When we offer to help, we men tend to take over, because we think we can do it better...and that builds resentment. Offering to help and being partners, letting her direct...you'd be surprised how effective that is.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 11/03/0907:31 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I did thank her, but did not offer to help. Mainly for two reasons...I was super busy myself and she has complained in the past that I do too much for her. Not really taking over, but more like...as she refers to it "Kissing her a@@"...lol. The flip side of this being that I have constantly asked for direction or help when cleaning. I am man enough to know that my cleaning style isn't very good...so I ask for direction so I can come close to how she expects it too be done.
Last night I got to ignore the bad behavior....things were busy, the kids were off the wall, and she seemed tense. Then we had a conversation breakdown (three people talking to me at the same time and the phone ringing) and she went to the bedroom and closed the door. It was a pretty tense evening mad worse by my son being extremely confrontational with me and refusing to get stuff done he needs to you. I gave her space and this morning she was back in a good mood....so it seemed like a good technique.
Had a good meeting with my therapist this morning. Talked a lot about support systems and my lack of a large friend network and disconnect from my family. It seems like I am not the only person here who has issues building friendships. He noted that his wife and him face the same difficulties and that it may be a mix of cultural differences and focus on business. Really don't know...either way a redneck I am not...so it is hard for me to relate to them.
Well back to the grind....Wednesdays are very busy for me from dawn to dusk.
Venting and rather irate. First off...the wife went out with the ex-gf and work friend last night. Comes home in a bad mood and I find out later she had a breakdown at the bar. It seems so funny to me that EVERY time she hangs out with these people she ends up in a bad mood. She obviously doesn't see it...but ever time it happens. I am sure GF and worker friend were both supporting her need to get out of the house because the house, kids, and I are obviously the cause of all her problems.
Then today...clarification for story-yesterday I closed out a project that meant a check big enough to cover my operating expenses (not payroll...just bills) for the rest of the year and then a few grand more. So I talked with my partner and we decided to purchase some software that we have needed (I have been using pirated software for the last year). So I purchased the software and installed this morning. The wife calls up complaining how I am wasting money on the software and that is giving up WHAT SHE WANTS to cover the bills. This is software I need to run my company and have been using illegally for a year. I have put off buying the software more than once to make sure that we had pay money. This time I looked at the next two months and said "Company bills are covered...so everything else can go right into pay".
I really want to remind her of the $1000's she has spent in the bars, restaurants, movies, on day trips, on dating, and on romantic getaways with her ex-gf....funny how when she was spending money on that stuff she had little problem doing it.
I really want to remind her of the $1000's she has spent in the bars, restaurants, movies, on day trips, on dating, and on romantic getaways with her ex-gf....funny how when she was spending money on that stuff she had little problem doing it.
This is exactly what I think you should do. She's blaming you for problems that she has helped create. Seems to me like she needs to have a dose of reality.
A little tit for tat. Ah a good way to get into a fight if that's what you want.
You ever notice that when people 'push' you to do something, you end up resenting them? Kind of like her 'friends' are pushing her? And really you have a great bird's eye view of exactly how your wife reacts to people trying to control her or tell her what to do.
One day she will realize her friends, are not good for her, but she needs to figure that out on her own, and when she does...then giving her supportting evidence to her realization is how you get that done.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
The longer I proceed down this path the harder things seem to be...for me. In reality certain things are much better, but other things have just gotten to the point that it really grates on my nerves. The financial stuff is really getting me at the moment. Since I was laid off...I started a new business, restarted an old business, and done what ever small odd job that seemed to appear. I fret over the lost wages a little bit, but I know that I have to just keep working hard and hope things work out. There are so many people that I know who are in deep financial hardships. Some, like us, are barely making it month to month. Others are way behind on mortgages and etc. Very few people I know are living the high life anymore. I know for a lot of us.....a lot of our financial problems have been caused by circumstances that are really out of our control. But too hear my wife lament about how next month we are going to be bankrupt is getting very tedious. She has been saying that since March, yet here we are 8 months later with all the bills covered except one...which sadly there just isn't the money for.
The path I have chosen is to look at the other side. My business are both starting to get work. I have been getting little side jobs that have helped to make ends meet. Jobs that are way below my skill set, but they are still jobs that pay. We have almost successfully continued to cover our bills though we are on pace to make only half as much as last year (I do wonder were all the money was going before...probably gas and clothes for my old job...who knows).....so I am sick of hearing how horrible it is and bankruptcy is right around the corner. I refuse to think like that.
The second big things is the loneliness combined with hearing how much my wife wants anybody else in this world other than me. How she is single and lonely! Last night a friend took me out for the evening. I told him that I couldn't because I didn't have the cash. He replied it is on me. So we went to a bar and through darts. We flirted with the waitress, who we know flirted back in an attempt to make bigger tips which is fine. As the night went on....the instances of eye flirting with women, especially younger woman, got more and more. It felt nice to garner attention from the fairer sex. Then three young ladies came over to play darts next to us and it felt like I had returned to college. Flirting, eye contact, repeated touches from all three women....it was nice to be noticed again. It made me smile when a woman grabbed my arm and commented how solid it is....after so many hours of hard working out to be acknowledged was priceless. The oldest of these woman was 26 and yes it could have easily gone farther, yet I didn't go there. The flirting was fun.....but instead of thinking that I was married, the thought of bringing some one else into my mess was stronger. I think the total of everything that happened yesterday was a big stepping stone for me. I am really ready for my wife to move out...maybe more so actually want it. I want to move on with my life and start getting treated with respect and in a manner that I deserve....no longer as a horrible problem.
Flirting is essential, it reminds us that we are attractive and it keeps our skills up. So keep up the practice. It actually does a world of wonder for you...now for the dark side of it.
Well you have seen it. You can easily see how attention given to you makes you want it from your wife who is incapable of it...to you.
Your wife was she always a negative nelly? Or is this the whole going batshit crazy part of her?
How was the rest of your weekend?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You are right about the flirting and it's dark side. Almost like going out to family functions without the wife. Reminds you of what you want, yet it isn't there. I plan on continuing the flirting because it does feel good, but at the same time remember that it does have a dark side.
Thanks for asking about the rest of the weekend. It was extremely busy...Sunday was filled with playing football with the guys, watching football, making crock pot beef stroganoff, some laundry, and raking 40 bags of leaves up. The wife came home Saturday night in a mood that continued through Sunday, but I basically ignored it and just kept doing my thing...lol.
I would say she has always been negative caused by a huge desire for perfection. If things aren't perfect in her mind, then she is negative about it. She said once about our relationship "95% of woman would love to have you as a husband...I just want more". So when things aren't going right, she gets negative. More so than most. A good example is my cleaning skills. Most woman would love a man who cleaned the bathroom once a decade. Yet I clean the bathroom regularly and she gets pissy and makes comments how I don't do a good enough job. So instead of accepting that I tried to clean the bathroom...she gets negative and doesn't understand or accept that I don't do it as good as she does.
The good part of today and last night is that she is in a good mood again. She even noted that her mood has been better and we talked about it a little. I told her (Like I told my therapists and told her the same) that I haven't seen her in a mood this good since we moved here. I just wish she would realize that her so called friends tend to diminish her good mood quite a bit....but I suppose with time.
