My decision was made 20 years ago in God's house in front of family and friends...
My vows stated "For better or for worse" and that is and always has been my decision.
We have had "for better" and right now we have a "for worse" however I never once thought to bail when the going gets rough.
Me, too. And this is why I think that one year to the day (see my post last night) I'm just not getting over it. I would never bail. Mrs. G. would never bail. And she did just that. That's the hurt that isn't leaving, isn't healing.
That's the part that has me doing things like a did a couple of weeks ago, 11 months after the bomb! I was walking through the living room and I didn't even think I was thinking about her and I find myself suddenly saying out loud , "I can't believe she f&%king did this!"
I dunno. Perhaps I'm not as strong a man as I thought.
And her bailing is probably why I get the dead eyes, the disdainful look, the re-writing marital history, the editing memories, the false, horrible accusations. She has to think this is all true because the alternative is to fully face the fact that all that she has done is diametrically opposed to all her values, beliefs, the very core of who she is.
We have no contact anymore (except occasionally accidental contact). We have no communication. Our divorce through mediation is scheduled to be finalized December 28th and I'm just going with the flow. Nothing has worked and I have no fight, no DBing left in me. It's been what it's been. It is what it is. It will be what it will be. And so much - so much - is about to be fractured, fragmented, and destroyed.
And I have to admit that I'm just...resigned to it now.
"You are the other part of me I am the other part of you. We'll work through With never a thought of walking out."
Ruth Harms Calkin
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
