I am so happy to see you back and I hope your retreat was wonderful...Yes a couple of bad days passed however the key word there is passed
I am doing better today, my arm is healing and I am still at peace for the most part.
I sat in Church yesterday and listened as one of my Ministers preached and he was talking about making your relationship, your house, your job etc...Your God...And I realized I have been doing this concerning my marriage.
He said we need to have the "Faith of an Outsider", that God has given every man a measure of faith and it lies between a promise and assurance.
You have to operate in Faith and you have to know your purpose. You need to take authority in your house and in your relationship. You need to speak over yourself when praying and take care of yourself and when the hard times come your strategy should have 2 points - Be cool - God is in control & Don't panic - God is in control. Stand on the Word of God and try Him first before anything else.
Pretty much what you are saying to me - Be still and know that I am God...
I wrote down what you said here so I can put it into practice at night - Nights are the absolute worse for me because I am off work and my mind is allowed to wander to horrible thoughts that have no business in my head
I still feel like I am walking a tightrope between sanity and insanity and at any moment I will slip off the rope onto the wrong side...
However I am still getting up every morning, saying my Prayers of Thanks and then put one foot in front of the other...
Not sure how much longer the "existence of living" feeling will last but I won't let this break me down any longer.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I feel like I am standing at a crossroads and not sure which path to take, which path is the one God wants me to be on so until I know that, I can't make any decisions without second guessing myself.
I keep thinking about the sermon yesterday and the minister when he said something along the lines of "your creek being dried up", (be it that you lost your job, house, relationship etc...) and it was dried up due to the fact that you made it your God.
Would be so easy if I could just have a face to face with Him and He could tell me what to do next however I don't want to die just yet to have that conversation
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Haven't posted for a while. Just reading up on your latest. Don't have anything to give you seeing that I'm still rather new here and soaking up all I can to improve my sitch. All I can do is pray for you. My case is still the same. I'm detaching. It's hard.
I have been following your thread as well and noticed you haven't been posting...
Post my friend - It helps so much...
Trust me on that...
We are all here for one another no matter what time of the day or night.
Since you have caught up on my last few days, you can see I started to go downhill and while yes I admit I made a huge mistake, the first thing I did when I realized what I was doing was come here and put it out there...
It was after 10pm my time (late for me) and I thought I was losing it when I found myself in the bathroom...
Puppy was here, O'dog was here, MJ was here...
Now granted I can't just pick up the phone and call them or go see them in person however this board has been a life saver to me...
No matter what I say (and yes there are days I get smacked around with some 2x4's), no matter what the time, someone will be here for me, just as I try to be for anyone else.
These same people will be here for you, just reach out and let their guidance, love, wisdom, encouragement & faith envelope you...I promise that you will feel much better no matter the circumstance. (((Sam)))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I feel like I am standing at a crossroads and not sure which path to take, which path is the one God wants me to be on so until I know that, I can't make any decisions without second guessing myself.
Hi Serenity,
I would not wait for God to make me certain of which path to take. He has taught me to never be 100% certain of anything. All I know is that I make decissions to the best of my ability when they need to be made. It may end up being a bad decission, but I have learned to accept that I will make bad ones from time to time. As long as I do my faithful best, I know God won't punish me for making bad decissions (I only have the intelligence and insight that he gave me to work with). So neither will I punish or second guess myself for those decissions. It doesn't mean I won't try to learn from them, but I won't punish myself for them either.
(I feel like I am standing at a crossroads and not sure which path to take, , I can't make any decisions without second guessing myself.
Serenity, "Not to decide is to decide." In other words you are choosing indecision. Can it be possible you are deciding to paralyze yourself, to stay where you are with a good dose of "Woe is me"?
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
...which path is the one God wants me to be on so until I know that
Sometimes when I get like that, I good naturedly say to myself, "y'know Gardener, God's kinda busy with other stuff and folks sometimes. Maybe he's sittin' back watching me saying, "I gave you intelligence, perspective, Free Will. Whatcha always waiting for Me for?"
Decide. Screw second-guessing. We all do that and never quite realize what a waste of time that is! ((()))
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
Would be so easy if I could just have a face to face with Him and He could tell me what to do next
Repeat: "Whatcha always waiting for Me for?"
Keep going. Or, rather, Keep GOING.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I read this from you last night and couldn't get it out of my head - Better your words then my thoughts haha...
Anyway, I thought long and hard about what you said and I realized, I have already made the decision...
My decision was made 20 years ago in God's house in front of family and friends...
My vows stated "For better or for worse" and that is and always has been my decision.
We have had "for better" and right now we have a "for worse" however I never once thought to bail when the going gets rough.
I don't have to like it and yes there are days when throwing in the towel would be easier but I am not a quitter - Never have been/Never will be.
I love my husband with all my heart and I will not give up on our marriage but more importantly I will not give up on getting him back to our Lord.
If I lost my marriage yet he came back to God, then I would be ok with that, however I still have the same feeling in my gut that I got 8 months ago when he first started with her that everything will be ok, we will come out of this with a better, stronger & more loving marriage...
That feeling has never left me, no matter the questions I have, no matter the doubts that swirl, no matter the fear I feel.
I have allowed this to consume my every thought and action, I have had days go by and I don't remember anything...
Like I am in a "fog" of my own but my "fog" is lifting...
I noticed that after I cut the other night...
The worrying isn't going to bring him back, the tears I cry at night aren't going to bring him back, the fear that overtakes me isn't going to bring him back, nothing I do will bring him back until he is good and ready...
So I woke up today with no worry, no fear, no tears...
I woke up with the realization that while I imagined I was standing at a crossroads, I was already on the road God wanted me on...
I am at this place in my life because He wants me here...
He has something for me to do and while I can can bitch and moan it didn't have to work out this way in order for Him to get my attention, apparently it really did.
As I was journaling a question last night, I "heard" the answer before I finished writing the question.
That pretty much did it for me.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
My decision was made 20 years ago in God's house in front of family and friends...
My vows stated "For better or for worse" and that is and always has been my decision.
We have had "for better" and right now we have a "for worse" however I never once thought to bail when the going gets rough.
Me, too. And this is why I think that one year to the day (see my post last night) I'm just not getting over it. I would never bail. Mrs. G. would never bail. And she did just that. That's the hurt that isn't leaving, isn't healing.
That's the part that has me doing things like a did a couple of weeks ago, 11 months after the bomb! I was walking through the living room and I didn't even think I was thinking about her and I find myself suddenly saying out loud , "I can't believe she f&%king did this!"
I dunno. Perhaps I'm not as strong a man as I thought.
And her bailing is probably why I get the dead eyes, the disdainful look, the re-writing marital history, the editing memories, the false, horrible accusations. She has to think this is all true because the alternative is to fully face the fact that all that she has done is diametrically opposed to all her values, beliefs, the very core of who she is.
We have no contact anymore (except occasionally accidental contact). We have no communication. Our divorce through mediation is scheduled to be finalized December 28th and I'm just going with the flow. Nothing has worked and I have no fight, no DBing left in me. It's been what it's been. It is what it is. It will be what it will be. And so much - so much - is about to be fractured, fragmented, and destroyed.
And I have to admit that I'm just...resigned to it now.
"You are the other part of me I am the other part of you. We'll work through With never a thought of walking out."
Ruth Harms Calkin
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
