You are taking the statement of your marriage being over to literally. Your old marriage (should have used old in the previous message...my bad) of a year ago is gone....because it was broken. In rebuilding yourself the relationship and marriage can change for the positive. In the same statement, you don't want to return to the old marriage because the same problems will arise. By using your time constructively on yourself and the children, you return a better man. This is something you have already started doing very well, but the reasons for this cannot be to save your marriage. The reason really needs to be about yourself.
Continue to be nice to your wife....there isn't really a reason to not be. Just set a boundary on the context of the communication. You eluded to instances were you have had a positive constructive conversation were you had the chance to validate her feelings....those are good conversations. The ones that are not acceptable are more obvious in that she is purely attacking you out of hate. There is a big difference between these two. Say a positive communication goes "Ayk...you never took out the garbage until it was overflowing and that bothered me when you never changed". verse "AYK...you are an a@@hole because you never took the garbage out...I hate you". See the difference...both say the same thing but one is delivered with respect and other isn't. It really is a case by case situation....and yes I have had to leave the room when attacked to have her follow me and deliver the same message in a respectful manner. Does that make more sense?
So be there when she is under control and respectful, but don't let her attack you either. You have been married to her long enough to know the difference
I am worried about the appointment with the therapist. No matter what your intentions are, I feel it will be perceived that you are trying to meddle with your wife's life. I know what you are trying to do and it is commendable. The problem lies in how it will be perceived by your wife. No matter what reason you give her, she will more than likely conclude that you are once again meddling with her life and not respected her wish to end the marriage. I would really walk carefully there. On top of that, she basically has told you what the problems were earlier (I know you listed some on here somewhere). Maybe....note very big MAYBE and I would get opinion on this....Ask her about what problems she had with you in regards to determining the affect your ADD has had on your relationships. No going around the back...straight to the source with the reason being that you are working on ADD and relationship problems that arise from it...because they do. I would bet 99% of your problems are purely related to your ADD....but even here it is noticeable that you are making big strides in correcting that.
You are a good guy Ayk...there is no doubt in that. You have also been doing an awesome job on yourself and the kids.
