Magnificent

[MichelleLT]

ROTFLMAO. Wow. Some good stuff I missed out on this weekend. Too bad I had to go play Army. Ah well. Might be a good thing since I had to pee in a cup for a drug test yesterday.

[dday101798]

since I had to pee in a cup

Does the accranym TMI mean anything?

Well, just never pee in the ranking officers's cup.

[MichelleLT]

Yeah, especially since I work with him at my 9-5 job too.

[mishka422]

ROTFLMAO!

[dday101798]

Note to self, if there is ever a DB convention, if MichelleLT offers up a cup of coffee, say no. Check.

[mishka422]

Still sick and about to cough up a lung apparently. I slept in snippets last night even on Nyquil and that is when I have the most vivid dreams. I typically don't have dreams anymore but when I'm sleeping fitfully I don't drop into that deep sleep. Last night brought a doozie that really got me thinking.

I had a dream that Gabe came to the house to pick Marc up and came inside. First, when I dream I'm in a house it's always the one in CA which seems weird but maybe not so much since it was the house I lived in from the time I was 4 until we got M'd when I was 22. We then moved back in there with my mom after my grandma died and then bought the house from my mom when she remarried. There is A LOT of history in that house. Second, we were sitting in the kitchen but it was at the table that was in there when I was 4-14 years old. STRANGE. Gabe had a pile of papers with him and they looking like legal docs. He told me that he wanted Marc the entire month of July. I asked him if that meant he was giving up his Christmas and Thanksgiving break days and he said he guessed so. That's when he mumbled something about having him for his birthday month but also for his July wedding. WTH? He wouldn't look me in the eye, and kept mumbling after that. He pulled something out of the paperwork for me to sign giving him permission to have Marc for that entire month. That was basically it.

There were thoughts running through my head in the dream that I never vocalized in the dream. What does that mean? Even in my dreams I can't say what I feel or think?

I woke up realizing that when he mumbled that he was getting M'd in July I was angry, sad, and depressed. It didn't feel like anger because he was getting M'd. It felt like it was because he has someone loving him and taking care of him and supporting him and I have.......no one. It was a ton of bricks falling on my head. Why does he get to be happy? He destroyed everything and so many people's lives and gets to be happy now? Is that fair?

Yes, it was only a dream. I know that. It's the emotion it brought up. Not what I want to deal with right now.

It's pouring rain with the remnants of Ida so it matches my emotions today. Gloomy, sad, and gray.

[Kalni]

Ohh mish... You are stressed and your dreams show. I wish I knew a way to brighten up your day a bit.
Here is a hug GF, ((((mish)))
K

[dday101798]

Why does he get to be happy? He destroyed everything and so many people's lives and gets to be happy now? Is that fair?

No, it's not fair, so long as you view everything as "destroyed" and such, you let him "win". The moment you start to allow yourself to be happy, he I assure you will not be so 'happy'.

Let me ask you this, is you living your life now minus his daily rhetoric, REALLY destroyed?

[mishka422]

Stress? Naaahhhhh....you're kidding right?

Dylan, I only wish I knew what happy felt like. I have thought a long time about that and why nothing brings me any joy. I don't know why. I exist and I work hard at being content, understanding that content does not equal happy. Two totally different things.

Daily rhetoric? There wasn't any. One day he was there, interacting as usual (although a little distant which I related to job stress....duh....how dumb am I? He was having an A!) and the next he wanted out and insisted there was no one else until I caught him in his lie. We didn't fight. He wasn't loving, kind, or considerate. Is that rhetoric? No. That's just him. He's dead inside - at least toward me.

It's not right of me to say that he destroyed everything. He just tore apart the comfortable world we had built and I can't seem to rebuild any portion of it on my own and I'm just feeling incredibly lonely and overwhelmed right now so everything feels a lot worse than it probably is.

Pushing through............

[dday101798]

oh, why people must insist that I from time to time be straight forth to the point of brutal?

Mish, "nothing" brings you ANY joy? Nothing, seriously? You mean to tell me that none of your sons accompishments bring you joy? You mean to tell me that waking up with your child in your care does not bring you joy? You mean to tell me that knowing your mother and child depend on you brings you joy? You mean to tell me that the times you can break out and go to shows does not bring you joy? That's just tapping the surface of things that'd certainly bring me 'joy' that I don't have. And yet, I find my own 'joy'.

And now, for the stinky enchelade: How on this green earth can living, loving and caring for a LIAR construe a comfortable world? HOW? Your world existed long before him, and will continue to do so, now and long after. This person, befrauded you, manipulated and played you for a fool and you are going to continue to morn his own arrogant loss? He, much like my XW HAD a chance to repent himself and set the wrong things right, and who knows, from the sounds of it, may still very much so. That is up to you to either forgive him, or just let it go, once and for all!

I like you, and you know, I wallowed far too long over my X. But by finally letting her go, I am at peace with this. And even through doing so, have not cut her off completely from the possibilty of something for the future, just released myself from the rememberance of something that did not exist, and thus I am free.

Make sense?