PLEASE HELP! - About to completely LOSE IT!!!

[aflowergurlie]

Puppy - I have wrestled back and forth with this in my mind. I guess my rationale for continuing in our agreement (through our separation we came to an agreement that instead of me paying H rent that I could in exchange continue to buy the groceries, cook, and clean as my contribution) was that H is still paying for everything - rent, electric, gas, water, cable/internet/phone, as well as my car insurance, health insurance, cell phone, and toll-transponder.

So for me, it is an extremely fair deal (money/business-wise) to just be responsible for buying groceries, and cooking/cleaning. I do not clean his bedroom or bathroom, and I do not do his laundry. I only clean the common house areas of the kitchen, living room, and office and my bedroom and bathroom.

I can't afford to pay rent and my other bills with the part time income that I make right now. When I get other employment with more money, H said we could change the arrangement to him still paying for everything including groceries, so I could save enough within a short time to get my own place.

Do you think there is another way to still set a boundary?

[Ready2Change]

I think that sounds like a good agreement, but is it helping you reach YOUR goals?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy - I have wrestled back and forth with this in my mind. I guess my rationale for continuing in our agreement (through our separation we came to an agreement that instead of me paying H rent that I could in exchange continue to buy the groceries, cook, and clean as my contribution) was that H is still paying for everything - rent, electric, gas, water, cable/internet/phone, as well as my car insurance, health insurance, cell phone, and toll-transponder.

So for me, it is an extremely fair deal (money/business-wise) to just be responsible for buying groceries, and cooking/cleaning. I do not clean his bedroom or bathroom, and I do not do his laundry. I only clean the common house areas of the kitchen, living room, and office and my bedroom and bathroom.

I can't afford to pay rent and my other bills with the part time income that I make right now. When I get other employment with more money, H said we could change the arrangement to him still paying for everything including groceries, so I could save enough within a short time to get my own place.

Do you think there is another way to still set a boundary?

I wasn't aware (or didn't remember) that business arrangement. So long as it WORKS FOR YOU, and you don't feel like you're being disrespected, then I think it's fine. Just be sure to CALL HIM ON IT anytime he gives you any disrespectful crap, okay?

I would also -- if you haven't already -- check with a family law atty to find out the dollar value of LIKELY SUPPORT he would be paying YOU (offset by what you would be paying HIM) if you guys were to "go legal" on all of this. I wonder if you're not bartering away things that he'd likely have to pay for, anyway??

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

I would also -- if you haven't already -- check with a family law atty to find out the dollar value of LIKELY SUPPORT he would be paying YOU (offset by what you would be paying HIM) if you guys were to "go legal" on all of this. I wonder if you're not bartering away things that he'd likely have to pay for, anyway??

It is your choice to be ignorant or to be informed. Which one is a healthier choice?

[aflowergurlie]

Thanks for the reality check Puppy & R2C - I will be checking into some legal counsel for the support and financial issues.

Today and tonight just sucked. I found out this afternoon that our short sale buyer has backed out and we still don't have final bank approval for any other offers yet. Just throws a monkey wrench into trying to get "D" paperwork filed as I was waiting on that part to be completed and thought that it was going to be done by the end of the month so I could move ahead with the "D".

Then, I got a major headache at work and came home to rest. Feel like my body is fighting getting sick or something as well, and mentally/emotionally struggling too. Still not feeling good, heard H get home around 8:30. H comes and knocks on my door. I go out and H says come here, I want to show you something. Opens garage door and there is the other car from last week again. Asks me what I think about it? I realize he means that it has been painted and I ask him if he painted it? H "Yes, I think it turned out great and I did a really good job on it. Didn't you notice how bad it was when it was parked in the driveway." AFG - "No, sorry, but I didn't really look at it." H "Oh, well, I worked really hard on it and I think it turned out really nice." AFG - "Yeah, it looks good." I'm thinking in my head now, that this might have been a side job for him, but still someone he knows or is affiliated with OW possibly. But still, I want nothing to do with this car or any other car he brings home now.

H "Yah, I have to get this back to them tonight. (Referring to the car.) And I haven't been sleeping much at night so I want to get going so I can get to bed early." (Oh, gee thanks for letting me know your sleeping plans when you're not going to be here.) Then asks to borrow the iron and ironing board. (Great...H NEVER irons unless it's a nice shirt to go out somewhere nice.) I go to my room and close door. Wait until I heard H leave the house later. Go out to kitchen to get a drink and whole house reeks of H's cologne (which smells great, but was the last straw that set me off tonight).

Uggghhhhh. I knew there would still be days of feeling like this, but I just hate it when I'm here in the moment with all the feelings of it. Feeling like screaming out "This sucks!!! Why does it have to be this way? WHY??????" And missing H so bad I can barely breathe. I let myself cry for a while and then I just talked to my SisInLaw and MomInLaw to relieve a little bit of this tension and emotion inside right now too. I know, I just have to keep reminding myself, I can handle this and tomorrow is another day...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

(((((AFG)))))

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

Hi Sweetie,

Sorry you had a rough day. HUGS

How can I best help you? Do you want advise or empathy?

Just remember that everything will be OK.

[aflowergurlie]

Thanks for the ((((()))) HUGS - needed them. I am always ready to accept and appreciate any advice and/or empathy you are willing to share.

This website has been a lifeline for me and a source of growth and hope that I don't think I would have attained had I not found it and all the miraculous individuals who comprise this group. I am truly grateful for all who continue to give their time, interest, and concern in my situation. I only hope that I can "pay it forward" in a sense to help others in the same manner.

So for today this is a special shout out "Thank You"!

[Ready2Change]

"Parenting with love and logic" is a great parenting book. I am using the concepts with MsR2C with success.

The core concept is to give my children choices that I am willing to live with. Let them make their own choice, and give them Empathy when they make a poor choice.

So with MsR2C. Here is my next response to an email from her yesterday, that I am DELAYING sending until later:

"I am sorry you feel that. When you ignore my questions and expect me to answer yours, I feel disrespected. As long as you choose to ignore my original question, there is no reason I should answer your question. When you choose to answer my question and show me respect, I will gladly answer your question. Have a great day!"

"The Art of Seduction" has great insight into human nature. Based on information in this book, I have taken control of the R with MsR2C. It is my choice on how I deal with MsR2C. I choose to enjoy it. We are working on communication right now. (Ya, I have to lead this and she has no clue as to what I am doing). I can stir her emotions to draw out information. I DO NOT CARE if she is angry. When she is ANGRY, she voices her "true feelings" and I gain insight. She asks me questions. I choose to delay my response. This stirs her emotions.

So back to you:

H comes home, knocks on bedroom door. COMPLETELY IGNORE HIM AND DO NOT LET HIM IN YOUR ROOM. Delay your response! Keep doing your thing. Make noise. He will know you are home. Let HIS mind wonder what is going on. He knocks again. Text him "I am busy". Be on phone with a friend. laugh, enjoy your conversation. The key is to think outside the box and behave different. Get all sexy and smell really good. When you leave, hurry out of house, let his nose wonder where you went.....

Go to the movies, out to eat, to the gym.....WHAT EVER YOU WOULD ENJOY......

[aflowergurlie]

Sorry in advance, but this post is gonna be a long one.

Thanks R2C! Although I don't have children, I can see how the concepts you are taking from the parenting book can overlap into marriage relationships as well.

Last Wednesday - H came home from work around 4:00 in the afternoon and coincidentally, I was in the kitchen cooking dinner early to have it done for later so I could spend the evening doing what I wanted. H in a hurry, tells me he has to leave for (city) with his boss, and two other co-workers for a business meeting on Thursday. H would be riding with them and complaining about the whole thing to me. H had already told me a couple weeks ago about him having to do this meeting soon but didn't tell me when it would be. So, I was just my normal cordial, friendly self in the kitchen before he left.

{A backstory interjection before I continue -
H's parents are in their 70's. Found out couple months ago that H's parents would be coming to stay in their second home down here for the winter. Their bedroom needed some new beds as they decided to bring their furniture back up north with them last time they were down almost two years ago. H borrowed money from his mom over a year ago and hadn't paid it back yet. H's mom tells H a month and a half ago, instead of giving them cash back, please just buy two twin beds and have them set up for them at their home BEFORE they get down here. Would alleviate stress for them in many aspects if H can please take care of that. H agrees and promises this will be done BEFORE they get down here and has plenty of advance notice with dates confirmed for when they will be here.}

H's parents were driving down and scheduled to be to their place that evening. I hadn't said a word to H about the bed situation, but as H was walking out the door, I said "I'm sure your parents beds are there at their place for them, right?" H, gets all annoyed "No, When have I had time to do it?, It's not like they're right down the road. I was going to do it tomorrow." AFG - "You do know that they left yesterday?". H "What am I supposed to do about it, I'm leaving for (city) right now." AFG - just smiled and said ok and H left.

A couple hours later my phone rings and it's H. I didn't answer. H leaves a voicemail. I listen to it and H says "I didn't realize my parents are already here tonight. Is there anyway you can call me back and maybe help me out with going and getting them the beds." At this point, I just laughed and thought "Nope, sorry, no can do. Can't bail your sorry butt out anymore." But in the same aspect it was absolutely killing me because the consequences were affecting his parents, who I love and care about deeply. 70 year old parents, both with some physical difficulties, having to sleep on a blow up air mattress on the floor.

Meanwhile a little later, I got phone calls from both H's Sis and his mom. Both VERY unhappy with H (not me at all) about what went down. But his mom had been expecting it the whole time. H's oldest Bro, other Sis and father upset as well. H never even called his mom that night, even though he told his Sis he would. Around 10:30 that night I sent H this text "Sorry, I've been busy tonight & not able to respond to ur message - that's too bad u weren't able to have their beds there for them - I'm sure u'll handle it when u can".

Last Thursday - H's parents still never heard from him and never got beds. H got home around 8:00. I was in room with door open and heard him in kitchen on phone. I went to kitchen to put away food and dishes. H was sitting on a barstool talking on phone and I could hear a girls voice on the other end. So standing directly across from him at the sink, I decided to stare him down. H didn't know what to think of that. Just mouthed to me "What?" while looking around. Then gets off his phone call. H "What was that look for?" AFG "I shouldn't have to explain that look." H "I don't understand why I was getting that look." AFG "I thought we had an agreement that we would take all of our phone calls privately in our own rooms." H "I wasn't aware of that arrangement." AFG "You had reiterated the arrangement to ME not that long ago, so yes, that was the arrangement we had." H "Well I was out here first so I don't know why I should have to be the one to leave." AFG "The kitchen is a common area." H "This is crap, I have to pay for everything and then I have to walk around my own home on eggshells." AFG "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm doing everything possible to get myself out of this situation as soon as I possibly can. This is not enjoyable for me either." H "That's bulls**t. I don't think you are doing everything you possibly could. You should have taken any other job by now, Walmart, the grocery store, whatever if you were really trying to get out of here." AFG "I'm sorry you feel that way if that is your perception but that isn't true." and I started to walk away towards my bedroom. H "Well then correct my perception if it isn't." AFG "I'm sorry but it's not worth it. You have a good evening." and went into my bedroom and shut the door.

Stayed in my room for a little while and started to fume. Knew that I was going to go out there and blow up if I didn't get out of the house for a little while, so I left and went for a drive. Called MomInLaw and she helped calm me down somewhat.

Went back home and H and I talked a little bit more. Some of the main things said by H during the conversation:
- H is hurting too even though he isn't showing it.
- H thinks I have a boyfriend or a guy interested in me.
- H is glad to see that I now have friends and I am going out and doing things and being social, but said he is annoyed by it the same time. (meaning how I look, act, what I'm doing - didn't do in R with him, lol)
- H came to terms that his decision to end our R was right because he thought back to all our time together and that all we did was sit around and watch tv in a filthy house, order out food and get fat (which is all very true). And now that we are apart we both have lives and get out and have people we go out and do things with.
- H came to the conclusion that there was irreparable damage done in our relationship and we needed to be away from each other. It was like pushing the reset button so we could be different people.
- H hopes that someday he can be happy for me because he wants that. Hopes that someone else can make me happier than he did and said that won't be too hard for someone else to do. (Came across in a guilty, self-blaming tone that it wouldn't be very hard for someone else to make me happier than he did.)

Ended the convo with telling him that I am seeking legal advice for the D to protect myself and my financial interests. H not happy with this, as expected, but stood firm that I have to protect myself and I want what's fair for both of us.

Last Friday - Saw H briefly in the kitchen in the morning before he left for work. Later that morning I got a call from MomInLaw. Said she called H that morning and very curtly told him to nevermind about the beds, that she and his dad would go get them themselves. Told him to just send a check in the mail for the money he owes her. Told H she was not a happy momma and pretty much hung up on him. H never called her back.

H had already packed and left when I got home from work that night. Figured on his usual weekend away. I went to my parents and had a great dinner and played games with my bro, his girlfriend, and friends of ours. Got home late and no H as expected.

Saturday - Left for out of town with friend. No contact from H.

Sunday - While I was still out of town, around noon I checked my facebook from my cell phone. Had a really difficult time for rest of day from a status post that was on there from H's Bro. It had been posted Saturday night at like 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning and said "Hanging out with my brother and his girl...". Ugh - felt too soon to have to see that and have all those crap feelings come rushing back unexpectedly. Thank goodness I was with my best friends and we had a lot of fun things to do for the rest of the day and night that kept me busy and preoccupied.

Monday - I got home at like 6:00 in the morning. Very odd thing -pretty sure that H came home on Sunday night. I came home to H's bathroom light and fan and hallway light all left on. Could tell that H had just taken a shower. Also a wet papertowel left in the kitchen, also confirming H had been there. Only reason H would be up that early is for early morning gym. Not logical for H to drive from OW's (an hour away) home at that time in the morning just to leave for gym. This would be the first Sunday night he has been home since September. It was also the first Sunday night that I had NOT been home (lol).

I went and visited H's parents later in the day. H's dad took me by surprise and expressed his unhappiness with how H is acting right now (something H's dad NEVER has done in the past, opening up and talking openly about his feelings on a situation). Also told me that "none of this reflects on me", which felt kinda good to hear.

When I got home, another weird thing - H sleeping on living room floor. H used to do this at our condo when he was really tired or not feeling good or kinda down/depressed. But he has never done it here at our new place since we moved in back in March. I just made dinner, ate and cleaned kitchen while he continued to sleep on the living room floor. Then I just went to bed.

Tuesday - Saw H briefly in the evening. H just made small talk. But I wasn't home mostly all evening. I was out tanning and grocery shopping. He did come and show me a new shirt he bought over the weekend. And also remarked on the deal he got for it by shopping on the clearance rack (something I taught him). Why he continues to have to show me his new clothing purchases, who knows. Maybe he wants the acknowledgement and praise from me that he is doing a good job of shopping for himself, picking out nice clothing and getting good deals for it. Funny thing is, he has always hated shopping, but of course now he seems to be doing it all the time.

Today - H came home at lunchtime while I was cleaning the house. H just chatted about his business trip last week and gripings about work. I just listened politely.

This evening I was in my room when H got home from work. Had on casual clothes and hair and makeup just done, and smelling fabulous. Went to kitchen for water and H comes out "You're awake." I turn around and H "Oh, you weren't sleeping, I thought you were taking a nap." AFG "No." H starts chatting about something and I start scurrying toward bedroom like I'm in a hurry. I change into dressy clothes quickly as I saw H was ready and packing to leave for the evening. Go out to kitchen and stop to put on lipgloss. H "You look really nice." As AFG starts walking out the door with the most confident, sexy empowerment I've felt in a long while "Thanks." I had a church meeting to go to with a friend, but it doesn't start til 7:30, which H knows. I left the house at 6, letting H wonder on that.....lol.

Got home close to 10pm. No H as expected. But looks like H might be back tonight based on some things not missing. But here's where I ran into a problem that I need some help with.
I went to the laundry closet to switch out some laundry and while looking up noticed that some brand new bottles of household cleaners and toilet cleaner and the carrying caddy for these cleaners were all missing. I just bought these cleaners last night. Then I noticed that the duster is missing. Then I went and checked on the vacuum cleaner, sure enough it is gone too.

So now, the wheels in my mind are turning and I'm starting to fume. My best guess is that H took said cleaning paraphernalia to OW's to help her clean? or to maybe surprise her by him cleaning her place? Whatever the case is - I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS!!! I did not go and buy cleaning supplies so that he could take them and do whatever he is doing with them, along with my household cleaning utensils. I don't want to blow up at him about this. So, what should I do? How should I handle this?