So what is your suggestion if we notice he has had a bad day? How can we approach the "I care how you are doing" without appearing needy and pursuing?
See my AOSs example, above. Or, simply do nothing.
It's not your job to perpetually make him feel good about himself. That's co-dependency. It's also not your job to shelter him from the consequences (a heavy heart, a lot on his mind, etc.) of his recent decisions regarding your marraige. It is GOOD, and HEALTHY, and NECESSARY for him to feel those feelings, and think those thoughts.
I did tell him about a week and a half ago that this wasn't working for me and that we needed to figure out something as far as what we would do next with our house etc... Funny thing is he never talked about it after that and kind of acted like I never said anything about it??? Which makes me wonder if he was upset that I didn't care about saving the marriage anymore??? I could be wrong though.
I did tell him about a week and a half ago that this wasn't working for me and that we needed to figure out something as far as what we would do next with our house etc... Funny thing is he never talked about it after that and kind of acted like I never said anything about it???
Because you threw him a curveball. Well done.
Originally Posted By: Katie
Which makes me wonder if he was upset that I didn't care about saving the marriage anymore??? I could be wrong though.
You probably are.
Let him tell you what he's thinking, and then only believe the 1% that will be backed up by action. (For example, when he files for divorce, then you know he is serious.)
Trying to mind-read is ultimately unproductive, because his thoughts and feelings are in turmoil. He doesn't know how he feels, so there's no way you can predict or guess.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
You are very right, trying to figure out his thoughts is a waste of time and energy. He hasn't gone and filed for divorce or even brought it up for a month or so. Another thing is he likes to post on his facebook page lyrics of songs that he is gearing towards me about how his life stinks etc... How am I suppose to respond to that? Yesterday he posted lyrics to Breaking Benjamin- Without You, I have no idea how to take that, as far as those lyrics go??? I am so confused, thank you guys for all your help with this.
Another thing is he likes to post on his facebook page lyrics of songs that he is gearing towards me about how his life stinks etc... How am I suppose to respond to that?
You don't.
Let him flail around and try to get a rise out of you. Your actions and responses should be purposeful and thought-out.
If you are fighting a war for your marriage, you follow the same basic rules: you don't hit him where he expects you to and is prepared to resist you.
Last edited by TrentC; 11/10/0904:44 PM.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Hi hon, I thought I would chime in on this one since Ive been dark for a few weeks now. My sitch is different, but going dark is the same principal. You got some great advice here. Going dark isnt about him , its about you. As far as Ive been able to see in ur sitch its getting results. Its ok for him to be upset. Keep the topics of conv OFF ur R and "temp-checking" ( love that term)
Also remember it takes TIME! Was 4 weeks almost to the day b4 I got any word from my h and his attitude was much different than b4. The real win for me wasnt so much his contact, because that was a big one, but the fact that I didnt completely fall apart when he did. Fluttery yes, fall apart, no. This is for YOU YOU YOU. Looking for signs or expecting results isnt going to help you. GAL, stop the pursuit and take care of yourself. He'll notice believe me.
I haven't responded to any of them for quite a long time actually. I use to ask him why did he have to put those lyrics up there?? Then he would get mad and ask because I wanted too or because that is how I feel right now. So I stopped asking about anything on his facebook page and anything about his texting etc... He did say to me the other day, I figured you would look at my phone so you could see who was on there. I said no because I didn't care who was on there and because I am not doing that anymore. He just replied ok. He also complained yesterday that he didnt see me all weekend??I am confused.
I haven't responded to any of them for quite a long time actually. I use to ask him why did he have to put those lyrics up there?? Then he would get mad and ask because I wanted too or because that is how I feel right now.
Yep, so...
Originally Posted By: Katie
So I stopped asking about anything on his facebook page and anything about his texting etc...
...is a good way to respond to it.
Originally Posted By: Katie
He did say to me the other day, I figured you would look at my phone so you could see who was on there. I said no because I didn't care who was on there and because I am not doing that anymore. He just replied ok.
Unless you have serious suspicions of an EA or PA, you're better off not doing that. He suspects you're doing it anyway, which means he'll try to make sure there is no evidence to find.
Originally Posted By: Katie
He also complained yesterday that he didnt see me all weekend??I am confused.
Reply "I can see how that frustrates you, but I was busy" and leave it at that.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
So he just informed me yet again he doesn't feel anything for me and he thinks it would be only fair to get a divorce because he thinks that it isnt fair for me to be with him if he feels like that towards me. But yet he keeps texting me like "you keep texting me and you get the same answers" but I haven't been I just said ok when he told me he wanted a divorce. What should I do when he comes home from work?
