In shock...

[praying_in_GA]

I almost hijacked another thread....so I had to come back to my own.

Ok, so the kids call him every night to tell him goodnight. When I place this phone call do I have a polite conversation with him or do I just pass the phone off to the kids and take it back when they hang up?

Am I basically building a friendship devoid of any and all relationship type talking?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I almost hijacked another thread....so I had to come back to my own.

Ok, so the kids call him every night to tell him goodnight. When I place this phone call do I have a polite conversation with him or do I just pass the phone off to the kids and take it back when they hang up?

Am I basically building a friendship devoid of any and all relationship type talking?

Polite, yes. Be a great conversationalist, no.

I'm not familiar with your sitch, Praying in Georgia (btw, didja know that if I abbreviate that, I'm going to have to call you "PIG"? ). Is there OW involved?

Puppy

[praying_in_GA]

I almost hijacked another thread....so I had to come back to my own.

Ok, so the kids call him every night to tell him goodnight. When I place this phone call do I have a polite conversation with him or do I just pass the phone off to the kids and take it back when they hang up?

Am I basically building a friendship devoid of any and all relationship type talking?

Polite, yes. Be a great conversationalist, no.

I'm not familiar with your sitch, Praying in Georgia (btw, didja know that if I abbreviate that, I'm going to have to call you "PIG"? ). Is there OW involved?

Puppy

LOL! Yea, I realized that after the fact!!! Oh well, so be it.

As far as I know there is no other woman. To be honest, I believe him. It may bite me in the bottom one day, but for now I do believe him. I have not found any proof otherwise. (Not that here has been an intense search on my part either.)

He said he isn't in love with me blah blah blah. I have found out that while this has been in the back of his mind for a few 'years' this car accident a few months back sparked his serious thought on the subject. He wants our friendship to remain intact, he also stated that is where he would like to start.

Simply put, I am very hard to live with due to my temper. I take it out on him. Over time it wore him down so that he doesn't want to be around it anymore. He thought that after we married I would be so happy those anger/temper problems would disappear. I also lack respect for him (in his eyes). This is his first relationship ever. He did not date in high school, we met in college.

LOL! More than you asked....

[TrentC]

As far as I know there is no other woman. To be honest, I believe him. It may bite me in the bottom one day, but for now I do believe him.

Just keep in mind that the first rule of cheating on your spouse is that "cheaters lie".

I'm not saying you're wrong to want to trust him -- you married him with the expectation that you both would put other people behind you -- but don't let yourself get blindsided.

Simply put, I am very hard to live with due to my temper. I take it out on him. Over time it wore him down so that he doesn't want to be around it anymore. He thought that after we married I would be so happy those anger/temper problems would disappear.

What have you been doing to address this? It seems like if you can overcome your anger issues, you will remove a large part of why he wants to go.

[praying_in_GA]

Trent - I have been working on that actually. I will start counseling this week. I have worked on some things mentioned in DR...taking time to think about things before I react, stress relieving activities, etc. He said that for the three weeks before he left "You have been great." I was working out every day for 40 min, I had lost some weight, I was finding constructive ways to work out my temper.

I told him I was willing to continue to improve on that area but he told me he doesn't think it will change the way he feels. He has been hurt/upset for so long he isn't sure there is a way to find the love again. At the same time though, he said if it happens it will take a long time. He told me not to change to get him back, to change for myself and my happiness.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

As far as I know there is no other woman. To be honest, I believe him.

If you have verified this independently, that's fine.

If it's not a dealbreaker for you either way, that's fine too -- each of us has to make our own decisions on that point.

If, however, you're going by what he has TOLD you on the subject, you're making a grave mistake, because -- as Trent says -- ALL CHEATERS LIE . . . PERIOD.


WOULD it make a difference with you? There are things that I would advocate doing differently, when there is infidelity involved. Certainly ways you would need to protect yourself.

I'm not trying to pry, or be alarmist here, but this goes to how I would advise you on the questions you were asking me on the other thread.

Puppy

[TrentC]

Trent - I have been working on that actually. I will start counseling this week. I have worked on some things mentioned in DR...taking time to think about things before I react, stress relieving activities, etc. He said that for the three weeks before he left "You have been great." I was working out every day for 40 min, I had lost some weight, I was finding constructive ways to work out my temper.

This is excellent. And he has noticed, which is also positive.

I told him I was willing to continue to improve on that area but he told me he doesn't think it will change the way he feels. He has been hurt/upset for so long he isn't sure there is a way to find the love again. At the same time though, he said if it happens it will take a long time. He told me not to change to get him back, to change for myself and my happiness.

He is right.

You don't do this for him, you do this for yourself so it will make you a more loving and attractive person. Let him decide if that person is who he wants to be with.

As for him not thinking it will change the way he feels, he's not sure what to say or do right now; he's not going to say much of anything that makes sense. So let him stew on it while you work on yourself.

[praying_in_GA]

OK, so I went over the phone records again for the millionth time. It updates every 24 hours for the previous days calls.

He told me he has been talking to someone about our relationship and getting advice on things. He would not tell me who it was because he didn't want me to be mad at him.

I found out a few days ago he has been talking to my sister once a night for a few nights (all that I checked). When I confronted her about it she said she was making sure he was going to take care of the kids if he left. She is a single mother of three and was concerned for my two.

Now I am looking and they talk several times a day. She is calling him on her work cell # so thinking I wouldn't recognize it. The calls last as little as 5 min to as much as 35 min.

I don't know what to do. Do I confront her again about what they are talking about? No doubt she is running to him telling him everything I am saying and doing.

What do I do??

[TrentC]

If you suspect there is an affair, you're better off not saying anything until you have proof. If there is an affair (or one is developing), all you will do is show them they have to be more careful in hiding it.

Once you have definite proof, then you lay down the law.

If he's just telling tales or getting advice, then don't worry about it.

[praying_in_GA]

If you suspect there is an affair, you're better off not saying anything until you have proof. If there is an affair (or one is developing), all you will do is show them they have to be more careful in hiding it.

Once you have definite proof, then you lay down the law.

If he's just telling tales or getting advice, then don't worry about it.

I don't think it is an affair. But I do think she is running and telling him everything I say or do. She is either against me or trying to help me. I just don't know.

I can't trust my sister. Wow.