UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Dudess]

Just back from C and had a most excellent session. Her wisdom really came out at the end and I wanted to get this down before I forget it. I then have to dash off to bed. I really need to sleep on this advice but right now it excites me ..... and as I look back on Saturday, as C made me, I see that it was only when I told H the absolute truth about how I felt the week before - wanting to hiding my rage from him - that I noticed a moment of hesitation in him.

Did you write about this somewhere? What happened? Did he say something or was this non-verbal? What did you take this to mean?

This gives me more hope than I have felt in a long while - I am going to share it but you must think about it, as I still have to - it may even be DB'ing in it's broadest term, or it may even contradict it, but it works for me right now:

But will it work with him?

"Playing games with H tells him one thing. He knows you and that means that he knows who you are - 'faking it' and 'acting out a pretence' tells him that you are being untrue to yourself - if you are not being true to yourself, how are you being true to him? This instils fear in him - he is scared and he will run away. It is not what works.

"Playing games" is a pejorative term. I prefer to think of it as strategic.

"You may not want him to see your vulnerability, hurt, anger, bitterness or rage but to tell him in a controlled fashion that these emotions are what you are feeling will do far more good than harm. He will understand that you are telling the truth and therefore he will have nothing to fear from your open conversation.

Telling him in a controlled manner, when you emotions are evident to him, is obviously the way to go.

Playing games makes him fearful. Pretending makes him fearful. It is not the real you. It is not the true you. It's not where he wants to be, or stay.

That is not my impression. I don't think you have done a very good job of "pretending". I think you have been quite transparent with him. I think it is more likely your rage and your pursuing, that makes him feel guilty and not want to be around you.

The truth is what will bring him closer and show him that you are being genuine. The truth will allow him to want to spend more time with you - maybe. He is afraid of your games and each time you invite him, he declines as he is fearful of who/what you are trying to be.

Look back at your results Nell. It seems to me that the times he has come closer, stayed longer, is when you have left him alone at least a little bit and have not worn your heart on your sleeve.

You don't have to reveal all your thoughts - you don't have to be utterly transparent but you will achieve more in being open about where you are sitting than by all the games that you have been acting out with him to date - and have they worked? The answer is a resounding no".

All what games? I haven't seen you play the game much. If you had been DBing and giving him the gucci consistently and getting nowhere, then of course try something else.

What I have observed is that you have implemented only a little bit of those strategies and very inconsistently. When you have some small amount of success, you immediately start the pursuit again.

It is nuts to say that DBing hasn't worked, giving him the gucci hasn't worked, when you haven't been doing it. It's like exercising and eating a low fat diet one day a week, and sitting on your butt eating fried fish and ice cream the other six days and then saying your weight loss plan isn't working.

IMO, there's a time in relationships for vulnerability and honesty, and there's a time for playing the game of love. When your H has left you for another woman, I say let the games begin. (Have you noticed how much men love games of all kinds?) I do think it works better when you actually adopt the mindset yourself, when you really believe that you will be fine without him and you are moving on. Then you aren't pretending.