I feel like my purpose in life is to be a mommy and a wife.
And you will be a terrible mommy and wife if you don't know how to take care of yourself first. You really think that is why God created you????????? "Love your neighbor as yourself."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
First, I just want to say sorry for everything that is going on in your life right now. I know it sucks. I know it is confusing and frustrating. But things will change for the better. Everything will be OK.
Second, Coach and Puppy are very wise men. Read and reread every post they make. TrentC is also giving you very good 2x4's. Just remember that men are naturally "Fixer". We 2x4 more than we are compassionate. Just understand and accept that. They are giving you VERY SOUND ADVICE.
Third, Setting healthy boundaries with H will gain you respect and make you more desirable.
So here are phrases that I burned into my head that would be beneficial for you also:
"I am sorry you feel XYZ" "I understand you feel XYZ" "It must be hard to feeel XYZ" "mmmmm" "I see"
"Drop the rope! Do not pull the rope!" IE it takes two people to fight.
The choice is yours if you want to keep reacting the same way to H and getting the same results, or change the way YOU react to H and get different results.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Just remember that men are naturally "Fixer". We 2x4 more than we are compassionate. Just understand and accept that.
That's a great point, R2C. Not everyone's thread is visited equally, nor in balance of styles, but it's really best if one balances the "fixer" 2x4s with the more compassionate understanding of the gentler distaff posters.
Well I need a huge 2x4, because I've heard it now a few times and i can't seem to quite get it. You all say I need to stop reacting the same way so I can get different results, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong around him? I know I react like crazy on here, but that's private. How am I reacting around HIM that isn't working??? Thanks everybody
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
Someone once told me that you can except to apply 1 month of DBing for every year that you have been in the relationship or marraige. I have been married 9 yrs, so I fully except to be hard at work DBing for at least 9 months to a year.
Motherof3 stated this in one of her threads, I'm just wondering, is there any truth to this? Because then I'm doomed. I've only been married 2 1/2 years. And I'm in week 7 now. Which means I only have 2-3 weeks left.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
Motherof3 stated this in one of her threads, I'm just wondering, is there any truth to this? Because then I'm doomed. I've only been married 2 1/2 years. And I'm in week 7 now. Which means I only have 2-3 weeks left.
There is no hard and fast rule to this. You keep doing it until it works, or until one of you can't take it any more.
One could argue that you haven't really started DB'ing yet, also. Once you gotten a handle on detaching and dropping the rope, then you can start counting...
Last edited by TrentC; 11/10/0906:50 PM. Reason: Added more
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I try so hard to avoid contact with him. But when he comes over for swimsuits. I'm on the couch watching t.v and he strolls in and sits down on the chair, what am I to do? I think he still craves that contact with me. In a way he still needs that "wife" interaction with me. That's why I am soooooooo confused right now. Its been 3 days of crying now. My face looks like a watermelon. My heart is so shriveled up it probably looks like a raisin.
Why you ask? Because like I said earlier. We have gotten to this point where he contacts me daily for no reason, he contacts me to tell me something funny S3 said, which was obsolete 5 weeks ago, he hugs me constantly, he conversates with me about everything other than the kids whenever he can, he stays over if its more convenient in the situation, we get along better now than ever, we are constantly making each other laugh, and we've had discussion about future things, he mentioned putting S3's xmas present in OUR basement! So why isn't he coming home? I know none of you know this answer. Has anybody ever saw this type of situation before? Is this odd? Or is it normal?
Trent, I know I screwed up on Sat. But could you please tell me why you feel I am not really DB'ing? I feel like I am, but if not I could really use your thoughts so I can get started! Thank you so much.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
You are not DB'ing because you are not detached. You spend every second looking for clues and reasons as to why your H is acting like he is. You are not setting personal boundaries and you are not putting the focus 110% on you.
Just because he contacts you daily it doesn't mean you have to respond. When he contacts you, you jump at the chance for any crumb he throws your way.
Stop saying you are doomed. If you think you are doomed than you are. There is no timeline for this process. If you were told you had cancer you would have to be positive that you would beat it. You would not give up and say you are doomed. Adopt that mindset. Right now there is a "cancer" in your marriage but it wont doom you unless you let it.
Nobody knows why he isn't coming home so stop obsessing about it. The person who cares least about the R has all the control and right now your H cares least and he knows he is in the drivers seat.
Stop answering all his calls. Start setting boundaries. Stop being so available to him and start showing him what his life will be like w/o you as a wife.
You do way too much speculating about what your H craves. Maybe he is just being nice and trying to set the tone so the both of you can be good co-parents and nothing more. Maybe he feels sorry for you or is so racked with guilt he cant see straight. Nobody knows so stop trying to figure it out.
I for one would not allow my H just to stroll in as he pleased. If your H chooses not to live at home then he can call ahead of time and knock on the door just like any other guest would.
Britt, I'm not as experienced as Trent, but IMO, it seems like you aren't as committed as you should be because you are still obsessed with him. You have no way of knowing what is going on in his head, so stop trying to figure him out.
Why are you crying? Pick yourself up and focus on you. You won't be successful if you don't detach, Britt. We want you to succeed. Have you ever heard the phrase no man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry? Stop it, now.
