Magnificent

[mishka422]

Still sick and about to cough up a lung apparently. I slept in snippets last night even on Nyquil and that is when I have the most vivid dreams. I typically don't have dreams anymore but when I'm sleeping fitfully I don't drop into that deep sleep. Last night brought a doozie that really got me thinking.

I had a dream that Gabe came to the house to pick Marc up and came inside. First, when I dream I'm in a house it's always the one in CA which seems weird but maybe not so much since it was the house I lived in from the time I was 4 until we got M'd when I was 22. We then moved back in there with my mom after my grandma died and then bought the house from my mom when she remarried. There is A LOT of history in that house. Second, we were sitting in the kitchen but it was at the table that was in there when I was 4-14 years old. STRANGE. Gabe had a pile of papers with him and they looking like legal docs. He told me that he wanted Marc the entire month of July. I asked him if that meant he was giving up his Christmas and Thanksgiving break days and he said he guessed so. That's when he mumbled something about having him for his birthday month but also for his July wedding. WTH? He wouldn't look me in the eye, and kept mumbling after that. He pulled something out of the paperwork for me to sign giving him permission to have Marc for that entire month. That was basically it.

There were thoughts running through my head in the dream that I never vocalized in the dream. What does that mean? Even in my dreams I can't say what I feel or think?

I woke up realizing that when he mumbled that he was getting M'd in July I was angry, sad, and depressed. It didn't feel like anger because he was getting M'd. It felt like it was because he has someone loving him and taking care of him and supporting him and I have.......no one. It was a ton of bricks falling on my head. Why does he get to be happy? He destroyed everything and so many people's lives and gets to be happy now? Is that fair?

Yes, it was only a dream. I know that. It's the emotion it brought up. Not what I want to deal with right now.

It's pouring rain with the remnants of Ida so it matches my emotions today. Gloomy, sad, and gray.