Longtime coming...

[Awoken]

Don't fear her anger. Expect it and be prepared for it. She needs to see a man who shows strength and won't be used as a doormat.

If she is in an EA with OM (and sounds as if she is) then she will have little respect or admiration for you as long as you try to "make her happy".

Thanks. This is what I'm fighting with right now; I think our pattern has been that I've been taking care of her this entire time, and now it makes me weak. Your words help; I can prepare for her anger that's for sure. I don't do so well when I'm surprised.

As to OM/EA, I'm less sure that it's still going on. There don't appear to be any more phone calls. Today she stopped hiding her cell phone. Of course, she could have got another phone, but it doesn't seem like it. She seems more occupied with her new girlfriends. I'm really trying not to care so much what she does anymore anyway.

[Deep]

Hi Awoken, it's a fine line. Yes, you should not "care" what choices she makes as in being detached enough to go on with your life. That's not to say you should be unkind or uncaring in your actions.

And as Sandi pointed out, as long as she is in a WAS mode, you're dealing with a stranger. Even if she has the best of intentions to cut off the EA, mentally and emotionally she needs time to effect it.

[Awoken]

It seems that you are faced with a triple whammy in this stitch. Has she ever refused to take her meds before? I have heard that when a person is in the manic mode, that is when they will get stubborn about taking their meds b/c they don't think they need it any longer.

Did anything particular happen during the last 16 years that made it so difficult.....or is that just her description of the MR?

Sigh, I've had my eyes closed for a while. She had an brief PA/EA about the first year into our M. (15 years ago). It lasted about two weeks until OM rejected her. I had been confronting her about my suspicions, and she finally confessed all the details to me then promptly took my 2 year old daughter to the other side of the country for several weeks. We had little contact, and then she came back on her own. It wasn't going very well, and I finally told if she had no remorse and wasn't going to try that I would file for D myself; she begged me to stay. she was eventually diagnosed with bipolar, which I blamed a lot of the incident on.

She was married before, and did the same thing to her 1st husband 6 months into the marriage; ended in D.

I decided to stick by her this whole time with her emotional baggage. Most of the M, she's been emotionally detached and I've been chasing her. I've confronted her several times about it, and she's promised it wasn't me that she just needed time to work through her depression issues. I now suspect that I was just there to take care of her.

[sandi2]

Have you asked the C if the bi-polar could push a person into an A? I would like to know myself.

I decided to stick by her this whole time with her emotional baggage. Most of the M, she's been emotionally detached and I've been chasing her. I've confronted her several times about it, and she's promised it wasn't me that she just needed time to work through her depression issues. I now suspect that I was just there to take care of her.

Oh my ....how sad you must feel. But surely there were a few good times, wasn't there?

Did you know she was bi-polar before you M her? I wonder if she was in a manic stage when she had the other A's.

If it were most women, I would say she is just getting more sneaky about her A if you have confronted her. I simply don't know enough about bi-polar to know if her conscious would even bother her to the point of "giving up" this easily. With most WAW's who are in an EA....they are too hooked on the false brain chemicals of the A and nothing you say affects them very much.

When you spoke of her being detached b/c of her depression and that you had done the chasing, did you feel that you had to do that to keep from losing her into that dark pit of depression....or was it to try to keep the family held together the best you could?

Sounds like you have had your share of hard times where she is concerned. Sure wish somebody could convince her to get back on her meds. Do the children have any influence with her?

[Awoken]

Have you asked the C if the bi-polar could push a person into an A? I would like to know myself.

C says it's very common for BP's to have A during manic phase. They sometimes experience increased sexuality, or hypersexuality.

Oh my ....how sad you must feel. But surely there were a few good times, wasn't there?

Sure, especially with our two children. Of course, I questioning everything right now. I gotta remember that most of what she says right now is not truth, right?

Did you know she was bi-polar before you M her? I wonder if she was in a manic stage when she had the other A's.

No, I didn't know. I knew she had some problems with first M. It seems to have been to pattern. It started in her early teens.

When you spoke of her being detached b/c of her depression and that you had done the chasing, did you feel that you had to do that to keep from losing her into that dark pit of depression....or was it to try to keep the family held together the best you could?

I'm sure it was both, and now I've awoken to the fact that I've been in some denial about what has been going on all these years.

Sounds like you have had your share of hard times where she is concerned. Sure wish somebody could convince her to get back on her meds. Do the children have any influence with her?

Well, she is very close to them. Esp with D17. She does seem to be detaching a little from them as she pursues her new life. She has no interest in new medicines. She went to her general doctor and got some general medicine for depression, not suitable for BPD. I'm sure she didn't mention the BDP to the doc. She is trying to "cut back" on her alcohol use. Of course, I expect some of that is preparing for the divorce.

[Awoken]

This morning my W was almost finished getting ready for work. It was unusually early for her, 5am. I was up too and the door to the master bedroom was unlocked, so I came in and calmly told her "I've decided to move my stuff back into the master bedroom, and I'm going to resume sleeping in our bed. You can do what you want. " I was expecting a reaction, but she just said "ok".

If it follows pattern, she'll be furious about it later. But I don't know. She's doing a pretty good job of pulling 180's on me.

Another odd point. Tuesday mornings she is supposed to take D17 to school early. She forgot to this time, and told D17 at the last minute that she had some errands planned instead.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

This morning my W was almost finished getting ready for work. It was unusually early for her, 5am. I was up too and the door to the master bedroom was unlocked, so I came in and calmly told her "I've decided to move my stuff back into the master bedroom, and I'm going to resume sleeping in our bed. You can do what you want. " I was expecting a reaction, but she just said "ok".

GOOD FOR YOU!

Another odd point. Tuesday mornings she is supposed to take D17 to school early. She forgot to this time, and told D17 at the last minute that she had some errands planned instead.

I don't trust her. Something legal up her sleeve, perhaps?

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Awoken,

Have you gotten any legal advice since your sitch started? I just went back and read your initial posts, but you don't say. It would be VERY wise to protect yourself, legally and financially, considering your wife's current state of mind.

Puppy

[Awoken]

Puppy,

I know I haven't given a good narrative; there's so much here.
one week after the bomb, I went to see a lawyer. MC advises not the pull the cash out yet, but I'm getting nervous. There's not la lot of money at this point. We started a renovation of the house last February, at her urging. That's the last time I pushed her if everything was ok in the M.


Last thursday I let her corner me into some R talk. She kept saying that I had shocked her with my recent behavior and she was waiting for a couple of weeks to pass until I returned to normal. I finally told her that I had seen a lawyer. She responded very cool, said she was hurt that we didn't go together. I told her that everything she was doing was alone, and she never sought to work on the M together and she granted me that point. She climbed in my lamp and gave ma passionate kiss (wierd!). Then went to bed. Of course, she was drunk.

Friday, she found out I got the name of the lawyer from her friend without telling why I needed it. She is furious. She claimed it just came up in conversation, but I'm sure she was planning on calling the lawyer herself. which I now gather that I've prevented. Not my plan, but I guess it works to my advantage. Neighbor is good friends with our kids, so I'm unhappy that she has been drawn into this.

This morning after I told my wife I was moving back in the master bedroom, she left for work very early. I took the kids to school and continued moving ask much stuff as I could. She mysteriously showed up back at the house while she was supposed to be at work wanting to know what prompted me to move back in the master bed room. I just told her that's where I wanted to be, and I didn't care what she did.

However, What was she doing away from work? She didn't schedule her next individual meeting with MC until after thanksgiving because "work was much too busy through the thanksgiving break".
I'm assuming she is meeting with a lawyer preparing to file on me.

What is the worse I should expect? How do I prepare?

[v1olin]

Prepare for her filing on you. My wife had me watch our kids for a haircut appointment. I found out when she got home that she had gone to see her lawyer. I called her on the lie and she told me that she did not lie. She said that she changed her mind about the haircut and scheduled her lawyer instead. Be prepared for the worst.