Moving on with my life!

[Startingover2]

I have been working really hard on my poker face when it comes to exh. Try to be cheery, happy, pleasant, etc. when he is around. Do this for a few reasons...1) He thrives in the knowledge that women are sooooo hurt over him and can't possibly go on. 2)Gonna fake it till I make it! 3)He is so miserable in his own life because of HIS choices he cannot stand me being happy.

It really does help the attitude when he comes, for me to be on top of my game.

Last night he came by for 15 minutes and baby and I were on our way out to a MNF party. I was dressed. I was happy. I was cheery. When he left I told him to "see ya..have a great evening!" and baby and I drove off the same time he did.

A few hours later when he knew we would probably be home he sent a text:

exh: Did baby get some dinner (long story)
Me: ya
Exh: Good..happy (he was being sarcastic because of my short reply)
Me: Very....actually
Exh: You know if you weren't so controlling, things could be different. You suck.

I didn't respond.

I thought that was the funniest text and so out of left field! Where in the heck did a statement like that come from? Why? I know I am not supposed to overanalyze but made me realize that even though he is sleeping with many women, still can drink like a rock star, come and go as he pleases.....HE IS MISERABLE! He is like one of those hamsters on a wheel...running faster and faster and can't get off but wonders why he is so tired.

I am so far from happiness most of the time. I am trying so hard. Im lonely. Im tired. Im sad. I also hate to admit it, but I still love the guy. Why? Yuck. He has done horrible things to me. How can I possibly love a man like that? I still have fantasies sometimes that he will become this changed man. That we could be the family I dreamed of us being Wow! That is reaching! But, even with my lonliness and tiredness...I know baby and I are alot better off with the way things are now rather than what they were when he was around. He hasn't changed one bit...maybe just gotten a bit worse.

Smile is on my face! Gonna fake it till I make it! At least in public anyway