Question

[Lucky11too]

Yay for the small steps! Like we said, if DBing can't save our H's, at least it can bring some peace and solace back to us and our families. You've obviously been so loving and caring to S that he can finally start feeling secure again! =)

[awest1217]

H text me last night at 11, and I wonder why I can't sleep. He asked if it was ok for him to come and how to do driving. I told him I said yesterday it was ok for you to come and driving is up to you. He said he didn't want me to be rushed and I said I have to go by the house no matter what so it is really up to him. He decided to drop his car off at our house and we will drive together to the doctor's appointment.

I am feeling good emotionally. I really have detached and now I just need to put it into practice when I see him today. I have not talked to his for a week so we will see how it goes. Physically I was doing much better when I woke up (at 4 am), but now my back and neck are starting to get stiff. Maybe it is from me raking the past two weekends and I need to do it again this week. I am starting to cough and have a sore throat still, so we will wait and see.

[Lucky11too]

Omg, exactly. What's with all these late night texts. I'm dying today! So glad that it sounds like he's actually following thru for S's sake. It's good that you two will drive together as it will give you a little more together time. Good luck today!

[awest1217]

So I am having a hard night. Balling my eyes out, not because it was a bad day, but good days are so hard because then H leaves and it is just easier when he leaves and there is hope...

H text me during the day telling me how he was taking down a bulletin board S and I had helped put up (time to change with the seasons, the joy of elementary), and how he was remembering the good times. The doctor's was ok. S is getting tubes, but the date is still up in the air until tomorrow. H did give me a check. Huge step! Then he said something about his parents and I said how his mom is being a brat again. We talked about the forgiveness book I have been talking about, and he said he really likes it. He brought up how we use the same weapons our parents did, and I asked if he wanted to know the one he inherited. He said sure and I said manipulation. I said his mom is the master manipulator and he learned everything from her. How she wrote the letter to him and encouraged him to have an affair with OW. Encouraged him to bring her to the house and THEY ARE BOTH MARRIED. I said that is one thing I am having an extremely difficult time forgiving. H asked to take us out to dinner, and we just talked about everything. H asked what I wanted for Christmas, and I said nothing. H said I must want something and I said right now we are not a couple so I really don't want anything from him.

We came home and talked about schedules because he wants to be with me when S gets his tubes, which is great because a year ago when S had hydracele surgery, he did not come at all. I was there all alone and scared. Major change! He said something about Dec 18th. I said are you sure? He said yea, and I asked if he would be ok with being around me the day after our wedding anniversary. He said yea, but I said I don't think so because it is going to be a really bad time.

Then he said bye to me and S. HE almost started to cry which is normal when he hasn't seen S in a while and just held me in a hug for a while. Once again normal. He called to ask about a TV show and I asked if he could hang with S so I could go grocery shopping. He asked to come with me and I said ok, and also thanked him for the money (while trying not to cry because that alone is such a load off), and said how I noticed the changes he is making and really appreciated it. Then later I sent H a video of S saying good night and I love you daddy because H always likes when S calls, but the messages erase on their own and I said this won't erase. He sent a text back saying thank you and "love you", progress, but just three weeks ago he told OW "I Love You", but still progress (I really ahve to work on not comparing us.

Then after all the "stuff". I was watching TV and one of the jewlery Christmas commercials come on (a little early for that, but oh well) where the dad gets up a 3 am to check on wife and son and says how it is their first christmas as a family. I just started balling. Then I went upstairs to get on the computer, and in the laptop in a note from H. It reads, "I know I've never told you much, but you are a special person. It was nice to see you and S today. Today as I was at work, I was thinking about you guys and remembering how you helped me get ready for the year. those were some of the good time memories. I knwo things are hard, but I am working to be a better husband and father. Sleep well - sweet dreams. Thinking of you always."

Now I just can't stop crying. I am happy because this is the first "note" just because I have gotten from him in years, but at the same time it is so hard to wait, and he still has OW. I mean he didn't go to the game with her this weekend, but he text and called her the entire time instead. I know he loves me, but I can't keep living in the shadow of other women. I want to be THE ONE.

Sorry for the ranting. I am so happy and thankful for the progress, but scared at the same time, sad, and just crying, which I haven't done like this in months...

[Lucky11too]

Wow. I say you guys sure made some progress today. That's really exciting and hopeful. I know what you mean about the good days almost being harder - it gives you hope, but it also opens your heart up to getting hurt again no matter how much you try to guard it. Enjoy this time and just keep working on the boundaries with OW. Great job today! =) (and I'm not surprised you're crying, I got teary eyed just reading it all, esp the note! That was very sweet and thoughtful.)

[ClingingToHope]

Have a good cry. That's a big, big day for you.

[awest1217]

Today I am having a hard time. I am not sure of what to do. On one hand, H is making some medium sized steps so I don't want to slam that in his face, but on the other hand, H as soon as he left me called OW and was on the phone with her until 1 am this morning (I know I shouldn't check the phone records, but I did). I just don't know what to do. DR talks about detaching and giving your spouse some space when he/she does not want to leave OP and give them a chance to see you have changed and realize that things are better with you. H is talking to OW less, but she is still around and I just get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that she is keeping him from coming home by saying that "they will never get to talk" and "she needs him".

I just don't know, but I what I think is I am going to go grocery shopping and act "as if" things are great. If it continues and I can't handle it, then I will deal with it then. I heard a song on the radio this morning "One Life to Love" and I know I am doing what is right in my eyes. I just need strength and patience to not want everything at once, but to enjoy the small steps and keep going.

Let me know thoughts.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((awest)))))

If she is acting "needy", it's going to drive him away in the end. Time may well be on your side!

[awest1217]

Not really because according to his therapist, he is codependent on people who are "needy". He wants to save them so he thrives on it instead of shying away from it because he likes it. He likes to "save" girls, but I agree at some point this will just stop and be annoying so he will end it, but I really want him to end it because that is the right thing to do and not because he stopped getting what he wants.

The thing is wait...and patience...

[Virtually_Handsome]

I understand. But if she is doing this:

she is keeping him from coming home by saying that "they will never get to talk" and "she needs him".

he is going to start feeling that she is trying to control him. That, he won't like. Even if he likes needy.