UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

OK people (especially for rockedworld, as I promised):

Just back from C and had a most excellent session. Her wisdom really came out at the end and I wanted to get this down before I forget it. I then have to dash off to bed. I really need to sleep on this advice but right now it excites me ..... and as I look back on Saturday, as C made me, I see that it was only when I told H the absolute truth about how I felt the week before - wanting to hiding my rage from him - that I noticed a moment of hesitation in him. This gives me more hope than I have felt in a long while - I am going to share it but you must think about it, as I still have to - it may even be DB'ing in it's broadest term, or it may even contradict it, but it works for me right now:

"Playing games with H tells him one thing. He knows you and that means that he knows who you are - 'faking it' and 'acting out a pretence' tells him that you are being untrue to yourself - if you are not being true to yourself, how are you being true to him? This instils fear in him - he is scared and he will run away. It is not what works.

You may not want him to see your vulnerability, hurt, anger, bitterness or rage but to tell him in a controlled fashion that these emotions are what you are feeling will do far more good than harm. He will understand that you are telling the truth and therefore he will have nothing to fear from your open conversation. Playing games makes him fearful. Pretending makes him fearful. It is not the real you. It is not the true you. It's not where he wants to be, or stay.

The truth is what will bring him closer and show him that you are being genuine. The truth will allow him to want to spend more time with you - maybe. He is afraid of your games and each time you invite him, he declines as he is fearful of who/what you are trying to be.

You don't have to reveal all your thoughts - you don't have to be utterly transparent but you will achieve more in being open about where you are sitting than by all the games that you have been acting out with him to date - and have they worked? The answer is a resounding no".