I like the last part (go figure), but the whole first part tries to "teach" her, and you can't teach an adulteress.
This needs to be more about YOU (and your daughter), and not about HER. I think if you re-phrased the whole first part to be more of "this (going dark) is what I have decided that I need in order to heal and grow," or whatever.
Something I asked in an earlier post was, as a WAW yourself, am I doing the right thing with NC with regards only to bringing a WAW closer rather than me moving on? (I know NC is about me but I want to know if it really does bring a WAW possibly back)?
I truly believe in that principle. It has to be about you and your D! The reason I say this like that is b/c your W will see through it as being fake if it is a ploy on your part as trying to get her back. When it is for real, and no ploy attached, then she will see that. If anything will get her undivided attention....that should. But remember, it won't happen in just a few days......it will take time for her to be convinced that you have really moved on without her. When she is convinced you aren't just playing games, then she will start being more interested in you....and wanting to draw closer to you...and maybe even try to test the waters.
The main person in this stitch that I see as being so fragile is your D. I don't know what all you have told her, but I believe you must be very careful how you word things about the future of her and her step-mom's R. Just be sure of what it is you want to do, have your plan and stick to it. Support your D every way you can. She will need you to give her emotional support and assure her that you love her and that you are not going to leave her. I think that maybe children feel that everyone in their life may leave them and they just need to know they have at least one parent who will be there for them.
I know you feel that your D doesn't need false hope, but I don't know that she needs to be told that she can't ever see her step-mom again. You may consider telling her that there is going to be a period of time that her step-mom won't be visiting, and then you'll see how things go. I just think kids needs this stuff in small doses.
So, just so I have this right, are you saying that in order to move on with your life....you will not have your W visiting with your D? Even if there is a "middle person" who could be your go-between to supervise visitations outside the home?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I truly believe in that principle. It has to be about you and your D! The reason I say this like that is b/c your W will see through it as being fake if it is a ploy on your part as trying to get her back. When it is for real, and no ploy attached, then she will see that.
The thing that is driving me forward with this is that the periods where there have been no contact (one point it was 10 days) I have actually felt pretty good. It's just before, during and after contact that I fall apart.
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If anything will get her undivided attention....that should. But remember, it won't happen in just a few days......it will take time for her to be convinced that you have really moved on without her. When she is convinced you aren't just playing games, then she will start being more interested in you....and wanting to draw closer to you...and maybe even try to test the waters.
I hope this is true. I just have that niggling feeling that she won't really care and in fact will be glad.
However, this is about me and D what it does for us. As I said it will clear my head. If those effects above occur then that is a bonus.
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She will need you to give her emotional support and assure her that you love her and that you are not going to leave her.
After fighting to see my D for 7 years, I know how to reassure her of that. She always has my love and attention and I try my best to do what is right for her in the long term. Sometimes I make mistakes, sometimes I get it right.
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I think that maybe children feel that everyone in their life may leave them and they just need to know they have at least one parent who will be there for them.
This is what worries me. because her contact with me over the last 7 years was so erratic I don't want the contact with my W to be the same way. My W actually doesn't seem to bothered about contact as she never asks anything about D like how she get's on at school, doctors appointments etc.
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So, just so I have this right, are you saying that in order to move on with your life....you will not have your W visiting with your D? Even if there is a "middle person" who could be your go-between to supervise visitations outside the home?
Yes. I feel that continuing the contact, in the manner that it's going on (where W doesn't seem too bothered) isn't going to work. Have supervised contact outside the home would be a bit of a logistical nightmare. This is one of the things though that has me worrying most - do it and I'm damned, don't do it and I'm damned anyway.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
" I will no longer accept your A and continue to keep the truth quiet about the damage it has done to our marriage and our family.
Having a constant reminder of the life we once had and the future that is now gone does not allow me to move on with my life. I cannot forget the last 7 years of my life with you and need time and space to heal. I am concerned that D is expressing anger and resentment that you left and she too needs time and space to understand her feelings.
I have made many changes over the past few months and I'm determined to continue my growth into the best Father and man that I can be.
I have been thinking about all of this and I have decided that there should only be contact between us for two reasons. To either discuss the reconcilliation of our marriage or the potential end of our marriage. The first one I can't discuss while you have invited a third person into our marriage and the second one is best left to solicitors I think. In the meantime, I must move on with my life without you.
"
Would this be best put into a letter and sent to her rather than said?
I have been looking at the Marriage Builders forums and they have a Plan B letter. While I don't feel it's loving theme is appropriate for my sitch (as I've already done the huge love letter thing) I do like the idea of sending it to her instead. Not completely convinced though.
Last edited by P17; 11/10/0909:35 PM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
I don't know why your W has to have supervised visits with your D, but if that is the case....maybe you are doing the right thing....IDK.
Okay, I'll take a shot at your letter.
I will no longer accept your A and continue to keep the truth quiet about the damage it has done to our marriage and our family. Good
Having a constant reminder of the life we once had and the future that is now gone does not allow me to move on with my life. I cannot forget the last 7 years of my life with you and need time and space to heal. (I would leave this part out b/c it makes you sound weak.)
I am concerned that D is expressing anger and resentment that you left and she too needs time and space to understand her feelings. (Would it sound better to say, "By leaving, you have caused D to have anger and resentment. She needs time and space to understand her feelings and to heal over our family being torn apart.)
I have made many changes over the past few months and I'm determined to continue my growth into the best Father and man that I can be. Good
I have been thinking about all of this and I have decided that there should only be contact between us for two reasons. To either discuss the reconcilliation of our marriage or the potential end of our marriage. The first one I can't discuss while you have invited a third person into our marriage and the second one is best left to solicitors I think. In the meantime, I must move on with my life without you. (Just leave off the first part of the sentence and say, "I have decided")
I think either putting it in a letter or email would be okay. That way, it can be controlled and not get into a R fight. Also, you can have a copy of what you send in case there is ever a dispute about it. It sounds good, but as I've said before...just be sure that is what you want to do and that you can stick to what you've said.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It sounds good, but as I've said before...just be sure that is what you want to do and that you can stick to what you've said.
I thought I'd answer the last question first.
All I know is that what I have done up to now has had the effect of pushing my W further and further away from me. Nothing I do is actually the right thing to do - I be nice to her and I'm perceived as weak. I tackle her on things and I'm perceived as aggressive. I say no to her and I'm being unhelpful. I ignore her and she perceives me as uncaring. I tell her I love her with all my heart and send her a 33 page love letter and she doesn't even read it as it's too hard emotionally.
Nothing I do is the right thing and therefore I'm at a loss as to what I actually should do.
What I want to do is get on with my life and the NC is what will make that happen. What I want to do is simply let go of my W and move on with life. That doesn't mean I don't love her or would not be open to reconcilling. It just means that I can't do this anymore. I have times where I do let go and I feel a lot better but these are during periods of NC. My W is here tonight for example and I'm already anxious about the situation.
I know NC is for me and my D. But ultimately I want my W back and I'm at a complete and utter loss as to how to do that. Letting go is all that is left for me. If she follows, and I sincerely doubt she will, then great. Otherwise, and with a heavy heart and deep deep regret, I will try and repair myself.
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I don't know why your W has to have supervised visits with your D, but if that is the case....maybe you are doing the right thing....IDK.
I simply don't trust my W at this stage to not introduce my D to the OM. Her texts before saying that my D would "have to meet him one day" scared me and my D's mum. They were quite forceful and not written by somebody who has my D's best interests at heart.
New letter draft:
" I will no longer accept your A and continue to keep the truth quiet about the damage it has done to our marriage and our family.
By leaving, you have caused D to have anger and resentment. She needs time and space to understand her feelings and to heal over our family being torn apart.
I have made many changes over the past few months and I'm determined to continue my growth into the best Father and man that I can be.
I have decided that there should only be contact between us for two reasons. To either discuss the reconciliation of our marriage or the potential end of our marriage. The first one I can't discuss while you have invited a third person into our marriage and the second one is best left to solicitors, I think.
In the meantime, I must move on with my life without you.
"
Yeah?
Somebody has suggested to me, just before I cut all contact, that I contact everybody on his and her friends lists at Facebook and tell them, without bitterness or vindictiveness, the real story of what happened. I've this week heard another story of what apparently caused us to break and I'm simply sick of nobody hearing my side of the story.
I have mentioned this before in here and I think PDT in particular said no to this as who would want to come back to somebody who acts like that. I just think what have I got to lose? It may put pressure on the A ... I don't know. As I said I'm a bit at a loss as to what to do for the best ... all I know is that I have done hasn't worked.
Last edited by P17; 11/11/0909:48 AM.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
My W is due to be here today and I said I would text her to let her know if my D's mum would be back from holiday on time or whether I would need her to babysit for me.
Got a reply that she is happy to babysit it, however she is hoping the ferry isn't cancelled so she will be back on time.
You see my W went away to an island on Monday for work (it may even have been Sunday she went). I thought she was actually back yesterday but it's today. From looking at the timetable and judging the time of her text she will be back here at around 1pm.
So, she has been away for 2-3 days. Hasn't seem OM. Comes home for 2-3 hours. Comes around here to her step-D and H and then spends the next 5 hours.
She also agreed to this extra babysitting time on Saturday (as I only found out then that I might need her) and she agreed right away without speaking to OM.
She also cancelled her night out with OM this Friday (the dancing one I mentioned) when she found out I was going to go. Again without speaking to OM.
It is very very hard for me not to read anything into this (although all I'm reading into it is its strangeness), but as I've said before ... does anybody see anything strange with this? I know if I was OM, I'd be pretty p*ssed off! I also know when you get into a new R then you tolerate a lot, but come on. Please. Would YOU tolerate your new partner spending that kind of time with your H and step-D?
This guy must clearly be a saint as I couldn't do it. Taking everything into account I'd be as insecure as hell as it is without this!
Is it me? Somebody?
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
Somebody has suggested to me, just before I cut all contact, that I contact everybody on his and her friends lists at Facebook and tell them, without bitterness or vindictiveness, the real story of what happened.
HELL NO!!!
Exposure should only be done to a VERY close group of people (OM/OW's spouse, employer if the affair is happening at work, adult children and maybe a BEST friend), and really should only be done to try to save the marriage. Your timing would seem to be off, but regardless, I would NOT recommend that you tell this many people! "a" you'll come off as mean, weak and vindictive, and "b" if you DO reconcile later on, you will regret having told so many people.
