Separated--Does Not Admit to OW

[saffie]

benotafraid,

Detatchment, IMO, is about not living your life depending on what your H may or may not think; it's on living it for you. It's on being what you want to be. Just not thinking about him for a while is not detaching.

My sitch was different in that my H was still in the marital home, (albeit barely), and my children were younger. However, my respect for myself was still the same as any person's should be. I would not be put in a position where I was being compared and measured up to another person. I owed it to myself to draw a line and say that I would not be played. I guess what I was saying wasn't that he had to choose between us, but rather that I wasn't playing his game and if she was better than me then ok, be with her, but be aware there would be consequences.

Those consequences were not a threat - there would be consequences. He would be ripping two families apart. It would be public.However pleasant we tried to make a plit be it was going to hurt a lot of people emotionally and financially. Reality did start to hit.

Cake eating is something I have rarely seen work on these boards. Butterflymom was the only one I could think of, when I tried to remember cases where it has, and her children were still young and acted as a reason for being in touch all the time.

Go look at Yoyo's threads. Please read her whole story. As you will see from my posts on there I know her well from the boards. You will have to plow through a lot of 'silly' posts as well from the days when we were just trying to lighten each other's days....but you will see what having older children and cake eating will do. She is still on the Surviving the big D forum. From reading her threads you will see there were times when her H, who had left, almost came home. Each time, IMO, the reason it didn't work was because she was too 'nice'. She was afraid to set boundaries. When she did he came running.....as soon as she thought she might have him back and got scared of losing him again she loosened those boundaries.....and he started disrespecting her again.

Ask yourself what on earth should make your H WANT to change at the moment? He has the best of it all - two women he can go to for comfort. A boundary would be to say, I love you very much and love being your W, but please don't ask me to be intimate with you unless that side of our R is exclusive, (to me that is a basic health matter in addition to being one of respect). You could also say to him that although you are aware that OW exists, you would be grateful if he refrained from contact with her whilst in your presence - is that too much to ask?

Act like a fool and he will play you for one. Why shouldn't he?

I know I am sounding hard, but I so don't want you to get treated like a doormat.

You don't have to insist he make a choice, you just need to garner respect from him and not let your H run your life. Live well for yourself. Turn yourself into someone YOU respect and I bet you that your H will find he wants to be with you. If you don't respect yourself why expect him to?

The future of your M HAS to be a joint decision. If EITHER one of you 'holds the power' the R is unlikely to work because one of you will be acting in an unnatural way and walking on eggshells to appease the other. NO long term R can last like that. At the moment your H has the power, as my H seemed to have when I first found out about the A and was fighting for my M.....later on it appeared I had the power. We had recommitted to the M and then I started getting cold feet and wondering if I had done the right thing in staying, and then I was the one with the power....again things were not good. Gradually we have pieced ourselves back into a balanced R; it takes constant work and communication to keep it that way.

You are letting your H dictate the whole tone of the situation at the moment. The way you don't is to live your life by doing what you want to do and not want you think your H wants you to do, or you need to do so you don't drive your H away. Disregard him. Treat him as just as good friend who you would be polite to etc but don't bend over backwards to 'compete' for him. Be charming and pleasant etc....enjoy your family. He will start to see what he is missing and he may well start to feel excluded from the family and miss things.

At the moment OW is exciting and she showers him with attention. That won't last forever. Eventually he will see the real her; what real life with her is like; what he has lost at home. If you keep the channels of communication pleasant and the path to home clear and welcome, the chances are good that he will start to see that.

It has taken a while for your M to get to this state. Generally there are no quick fixes and it will take a while to get it back on track. You don't have to lose your self respect though in the process by letting him use you as he pleases because you are afraid that if you don't you will lose him. It is EXACTLY by acting like that you are more likely to lose him IMO. Respect is a HUGE part of a R.