Depressive WAW or Depressive MLC?- both with an EA

[Gynandtonix]

From what I have gleaned from this site since I have been posting is that there are two lines of thought in trying to rescue an R.

Be a Friend.
Empathy, being there without criticism, being non-judgmental.
Allowing things to run the course.
Detaching, Gal'ing and completing 180's.

Being Forceful.
Set boundaries and strong enforcement to allow for successful detachment and improved well being.
Trying to put a spanner in the works by disrupting the WAW's mind frame.
Detaching forcefully.
Making everything black and white - your way or the highway.


I agree that I have received stellar advice.
Some very experienced people have taken time out to offer me advice, and it is very much appreciated.

I have wavered between the two camps.

But as MW Davies says - continue what works, stop what doesn't work.
I have perceived more movement forward with my WAW by following the 'Be a friend' stratagem.
She leaves in a better mood and we have connected more.
This may be because she has gotten her way, and that she is keeping me hanging around as you say - but it is not my perception.

Whenever I have tried the 'Forceful' stratagem, I have felt an immediate fracture in our R, and and inherent coldness and pulling away.
This may be b/c I have stopped her getting her way and broken up her little plan.

The problem between me and my WAW is a lack of communication, closeness and time together.

I see it that for me to repair our R I have to give and show that I can give these 3 things.

If I was to follow the 'Forceful' stratagem, I would be going against what I perceive to have started working, and putting a stop to trying to get closer, improve communication and increase our time together.
I see and understand the thought behind the 'pulling away' stratagem, where the WAW would them fill the gap left behind.

But what happens if the WAW sees this as 'more of the same' from the R before the breakup.
This is how I was before she walked.
It is what caused the breakdown in our R.
I did not know what to do and how to do these things - now I do.

If I give these 3 things and our R still fails, then so be it.
I will have tried with what I perceive to be the best stratagem.

I know that the majority of people who visit this site do not reconcile.
But I have read a lot of other threads - mainly the people who are good/kind enough to post their opinions and help on my thread.
But I do note with regret a lot of posters who advocate the 'Forceful' stratagem have not been able to reconcile or are still in conflict with their WAW.
I suspect that there is equal numbers of people who follow the 'Be a friend' stratagem who have also not been able to reconcile.

I am more inclined to follow the 'Be a friend' stratagem.

For the moment and as I see fit.

If I perceive that this is not working or that time is/has run out then I will follow the 'forceful' stratagem with a will.

When things will need a push from me I will use the occasional 'Forceful' tactic - as I have done so and as you acknowledge.

Regards,
Gyn.

Ps.

If the WAW was to return home the OM would still stay at her B - he was there for a month before my WAW walked.
My WAW has nothing to do with the OM's M failing. His wife had/is having an affair, (oh how my heart bleeds). She then kicked him out b/c she had moved her boyfriend in whilst he was still living there - some backbone he has.
Xmas is time for family being together - this is a strong pull for the WAW to come back. It would be easier for her to be at home with regards to going to college. She could walk to it from home - but it is an 30 min drive from her B. The word on the grapevine is that she is hating being at her B's

I do agree with you thought on 'Has G&T finally had enough of my crappy behavior? Is he going to get rid of me and ruin my future plans?'
I perceive that her plans are to stay away as long as she can stand it, then come home.
She is using the question about legal advice as a way to measure the temperature of our R, and to decide how long she can stay away.

But there again, I could easily be wrong.
If I am, I will post all of my failings in trying to fix my R and do my best to educate other posters.

I respect and honor EVERY view and opinion on my sitch. I have learnt so much from your postings and I believe that they have changed my life forever.

Please do not feel disappointment or frustration if I do not follow your opinions to the letter, but I must plough my own furrow - and I choose to do this by picking and choosing from both stratagems.