I really thought that waiting was the better option
Go eith your instinct, your inner voice: wait.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
but the tickets seem like a good, natural lead-in
You could always give him the tickets, and say "Happy early birthday. I won't be going with you, so you've got an extra ticket to do with what you please."
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I can very much relate to you on how the H can be a PITA!!
My H has been doing just that ever since he got home lastnight. Geez, you would think that I had a very large teenager in the house with some of the dumba$$ things that he does.
Congrats on the game. That always make you feel better whn you see your kids team do a great job.
Hope this nest week goes good for you.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
You know Bunny, I agree with a previous post, so many things about your h just don't pass the smell test. Plus, I think the tickets are a bad idea because mixed messages are a bad idea.
Also, I think I would move every single thing that you would like to keep out of the house. Put the pool table and anything else in a storage unit till you get a bigger place.
I think you are a very brave woman and are doing the right thing. Your IC is way off base as far as the "mutual decision" crap. What the hell is up with these "professionals" anyway? Jeez.....I don't think it's a good idea at all to tell him too far in advance. I would tell him the same day that the moving company shows up. And make sure you hire a truck that is big enough to get everything all in one load.
He tried that again last night and followed it up with a declaration that his balls were itchy. (Thought bubble: OK... sorry, not helping you, I assumed he meant they were itchy for action.)
How did you ever resist such a smooth, subtle seduction line?
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
I suggested that he maybe needed to wear looser fit jeans...
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
He already went to bed. We were watching TV in bed before he did, and he decided to pull his PITA routine again (pain in the @ss), and was grabbing my pillows out from under my head like last night. During one of those grabs, he managed to miss the pillow and landed a punch on my nose. Dumb@ss. It still hurts. Last year he did the same thing and managed to punch me in the eye that time. A couple months before that, I don't remember what he was doing, but he managed to split my lip. Each time, he's not being malicious or anything, it's never intentional, he's just being a PITA, and I end up with the short end of the stick.
I agree with Kettricken. This is Bullsh!t that goes beyond coincidence. Passive-Aggressive: "Who me? I didn't hit you! I was simply grabbing your pillow. Nope. Not me. Can't prove it. So there!"
Maybe time for a Pillow Boundary. Or buy him a cuople of extras. Either way: be careful.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
The latest part of your situation caught my eye, about the accidental punching and your spouse's manner of suggesting sexual relations.
Mine used to call it a 'sleep aid'. I became used to thinking that even bad sex had positive results for my body. Now I wonder why I so willingly accepted crumbs.
Nocturnal knocks? Pillow talk, pillow fights are all based on having fun and intimacy. His manhandling is not being a pain in the ass, it's being physically aggressive. My spouse would whack me in his sleep if I nestled close to him. Needless to say, I stopped cuddling. But your guy is doing it directly to your face, in more ways than one.
Men know they are stronger than women in most cases. Stronger people use restraint so they don't injure others, just like parents teach the older sibling not to hurt the younger ones.
He is hitting, punching you. No way does playful pulling away pillows lead to physical injury. When my spouse and I would do something like and I'd get like a dog with a bone, he'd warn me to stop, that he might accidentally send me flying (which did happen once). It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.
Hope you are doing ok, I agree with everyone else here, yanking your pillows, and doing aggressive things like this, accidentally hitting you, is not about being playful.
I hope that you are ok, and please be very careful. Have you considered different sleeping arrangements?
Also, if you told him you were uncomfortable with what he was doing, what would his reaction be? Are you afraid to tell him how this makes you feel? If so, there is a reason that you are, and a valid one.
He is trying to exert control over you by doing these things, whether he even realizes this or not doesn't matter.
Please be careful.. (((Bunny)))
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Warning- Venting post and graphic- feel free to ignore-
Topic: Boundaries I failed to enforce- Some of the other WAW’s are really irritating to me- Claiming sexual abuse/violation/assault- give me a break. We have horny husbands and they’re getting bent out of shape about it? So what- they needed to latch onto something, anything to justify leaving?
I know I have my issues about not setting boundaries in my marriage, and I let my H treat like a sex toy. Mr. SB didn’t stop at spooning and nudge, nudge- he went on to shove it in whether I was asleep or awake. Or if I’m up and about, he would walk to within 4 inches of my face, drop his pants, and want “service”. Or grab my hand and put it on his d**k to start things off. This probably isn’t news, but sex without any preliminaries is neither fun nor comfortable. However- I decided that the physical discomfort was preferable to the emotional discomfort of saying “no” and dealing with that fall-out. That was my choice, my issue, and I’m not laying down at his feet to deal with. I haven't said anything about it to him, and I'm not about to because it's my problem.
Another boundary I failed to enforce regards all the other attractive women that are around. Yes, I know they’re hot and you’re going to look, but shut up about it!! It gets real tiring to hear “She’s a honey!” when a lovely lady walks by. But hey- it’s nothing personal, it’s no reflection on me. Still hurts though. Just like it wasn’t anything personal when he would f*** the other ladies. It really hurt to see him do that, but he could handle watching me with another guy. Didn’t bother him in the least. If he wasn't there, I should bring pictures back. Because it doesn’t mean anything because he’s going home with me, he has a life with me and that means something. I could never get past that, it sure felt personal to me. And if I didn’t put out, I was bitched at for c**kblocking due to my bad vibes. Because if I wasn’t getting laid at the club or party, he sure wasn’t going to either.
Well- care to guess who’s getting c**kblocked now? I decided I was going to enforce that boundary starting mid-August because I needed the space to figure out what I wanted without the distractions of sex. The last time we had problems, I made the mistake of confusing the sex with maintaining a connection with H while he just saw it as a means of getting off. I'm not about to make that mistake again. And since I started the no-sex boundary, there is NO physical contact whatsoever. No hugs, kisses, snuggles, nothing. We didn’t do that before, and it’s not starting now. How sad to realize that our only physical contact is sexual. Heck- H wouldn’t even let me hug him at his Dad’s funeral last fall… I wanted that as much for me as for him.
But these other WAW’s are sending mixed messages- “I’m sad, I’m scared, wah, wah, hold me, waw, waw, I don’t love you, waw, waw, give me a hug, waw, waw- but don’t f*** me!” I refuse to do that. I’m not going to cry and don’t touch me. He did try touching a boob last night when someone on TV made a joke about drooping and age. (Let’s face it- I’m 42 and sporting a set of 36F’s. They’re not exactly as perky as they were 20 years ago when I got married- but they’re still pretty damn good. Don’t say anything if you can’t say something nice! If I walk around the house without a bra under my tshirt on the weekends- no one around and feeling lazy, I’m told “Go secure those things!” I don’t need that!)
Ok, I’m done venting. I’m sorry. But like I said at the top, these are my issues, not H’s, I have to deal with them and these other ladies need to grow up too. If it means getting counseling for underlying issues, do it, don’t blame your H.
One bit of news- I got my apartment assignment yesterday. I might tell H this Sunday- I’ll see how it goes. I haven’t signed yet- that’s next week.
