I can't speak for Coach, but I suspect he means I stopped reacting to the sitch and stopped being stagnant in limboland and took the initiative to lead by bringing up talks with my W. Not R talks, but talks about HER feelings and talks about how I could not live in limboland anymore.
That said, if you are dealing with a WAS who has one foot out the door, I think your first priority is getting the WAS to slow down. That's where acting "as if," GAL'ing and focusing on you come in. I think those are things that get you, and the WAS, to a place where the types of conversations I described can take place. Having those conversations too early would not be good.
My W knew I wanted MC from the day of the bomb. But after initially bringing it up, I did not bring it up until 6 months of DB'ing had passed (5 really).
I don't know that MC will help us. I just know (a) it is a change in W's position and (b) it MIGHT help.
I am happy for you that W is at least considering MC. I hope this ends up being a step in the right direction for both of you. Just be careful not to set any expectations.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
That said, if you are dealing with a WAS who has one foot out the door, I think your first priority is getting the WAS to slow down. That's where acting "as if," GAL'ing and focusing on you come in. I think those are things that get you, and the WAS, to a place where the types of conversations I described can take place. Having those conversations too early would not be good.
I would luv to have non-R conversations with my H. But I know that currently, the timing is not right. How will I know when it is safe to start these type of talks? Any example inidicators you would care to share?
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
I am happy for you that W is at least considering MC. I hope this ends up being a step in the right direction for both of you. Just be careful not to set any expectations.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
That said, if you are dealing with a WAS who has one foot out the door, I think your first priority is getting the WAS to slow down. That's where acting "as if," GAL'ing and focusing on you come in. I think those are things that get you, and the WAS, to a place where the types of conversations I described can take place. Having those conversations too early would not be good.
I would luv to have non-R conversations with my H. But I know that currently, the timing is not right. How will I know when it is safe to start these type of talks? Any example inidicators you would care to share?
Tough to say other than you will know it. There won't be any tension between you. You will find it easy to be around them. But, most of all, you will have reached a point where you accept that you will be just fine if you D.
GIMA, glad to hear the change in your M status. Moving forward is a good thing, has to be better than limboland.
I was reading a short article last week, an interview with Juliana Margulies. It wasn't about relationships specifically, but something she said struck me as being so true. Something to this effect and I am paraphrasing here "we spend all this time rehashing the past and rehearsing for the future."
Not sure about you or anyone else reading this, but truer words have never been spoken for me. I still play "what if?" way more than I should. If I could just put all that energy into myself and my boys instead of wondering how this and that are going to play out, I'd be making much more progress in a shorter period of time.
Sorry for the hijack.
BIM
BIM M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11
my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127
"we spend all this time rehashing the past and rehearsing for the future."
I read a similar sentiment once and it stuck with me: "Regret and Worry are Twin Thieves that rob us of today'.
Originally Posted By: brownidmom
Not sure about you or anyone else reading this, but truer words have never been spoken for me. I still play "what if?" way more than I should. If I could just put all that energy into myself and my boys instead of wondering how this and that are going to play out, I'd be making much more progress in a shorter period of time.
May I suggest Eckhart Tolle's The Power Of Now and A New Earth (which starts out a bit obtuse and new-agey, but stick with it, it's worth it). Both books concentrate on eliminating mind chatter, regret (past) worry (future) and help maintain now and being rather yesterday and tomorrow and thinking and doing.
Sorry for hijacking the hijack.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Right now, it's all quiet on the Western front. Pleasant weekend. I suppose both of us are processing the latest developments. Things are surprisingly normal.
Right now, it's all quiet on the Western front. Pleasant weekend. I suppose both of us are processing the latest developments. Things are surprisingly normal.
Good to hear.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
