I am having a hard time getting my head around the issue of insisting he make a choice. I have read and reread the detachment website and a part of me is detached. I get up and go to work and dont think about H and OW hardly at all. I dont call him and text occ. usually about our adult children. I tell myself I am strong and can handle whatever comes. I dont sit at home. BUT, big but--I cant wrap my mind around how telling him he must choose between OW and me is going to help when in his mind he keeps saying he needs time to sort it out AND that is exactly what I would not be giving him. It seems to me he has already MADE the choice, choosing OW via moving out and having free access now. His adult children have confronted him and told him how disappointed and hurt they are, I have told him I know who Ow is, he has said he did not live up to his father's expectations and feels bad/guilty yet he is not giving up OW. I think he will only see me as demanding and trying to control. I feel he needs to see me as I am now-calm and loving and not angry. He has trouble believing people can change and I was emotional, easily angered, depressed, not appreciative, and not meeting his emotional needs. Saffie says "the future of may marriage is a joint decison" but is it really at this point?-he holds all the cards except I can detach completely but I think that feeds right into what he wants. Isnt detachment ultimately saying the truth that we have no real control over anyone or thing besides ourselves, including our marriages in so far as it takes 2 individuals? I do need to set some more boundaies but I have the feeling that now the crisis is over he will not be coming around. Painful as it maybe for me to say aloud, he needed me there for the funeral because he couldnt have her there with him (and he thinks he was being nice to me, in a way he was because I did love his father and mother deeply and it felt good to be part of the family grieving process). He couldnt have his first choice of support as she hasnt left her H til mine "decides", and it would have been totally inappropriate and hurtful to his mother whom he loves incredibly to spring the A after denying it to his parents the week before. He needed me and basically used me as it also helped secure our adult children would support him too if I did. This isnt an A discovered while the H is still at home making up his mind but one in which he had moved out and basically was setting up the steps to live happily ever after with the OW. If I were him and someone pressured me, it would be just one more excuse to bail. He feel very guilty but not guilty enough to want MC, to text me back even once while he texts her 6-12 times a day, or to tell our daughter the truth about his feelings. Why do I still love himadn want our marriage to continue?
