Here is my last email to her. She hasn't responded.
" You want me to be physically attracted to you and you want me to enjoy sex with you. Loosing weight is the number one thing that you need to do. You asked what I wanted, and I told you."
And I told you that I don't want to hear about it any more. Don't bring it up again if you want any hope of salvaging this marriage. Further discussion will be through attorneys. This is called a boundary and it's one that you will respect if you wish to be married to me.
"What do *you* want me to do?? You asked me what I wanted from you so I told you. How can I say what I am willing to do until I know what you want from me? Mrs.SF"
Find constructive ways to interact with the children. You don't teach them to cook like you teach them to clean their rooms. You knew that D8 wouldn't clean her room. Frankly, I think you'd have been disappointed if she had. Don't set them up for failure. Find ways for them to succeed. If they haven't cleaned their room by banishing them to it for four saturdays in a row before, don't expect it to work this time. I'd support *any* new initiatives on this front.
Do NOT blame the children or your friends for your failures. When you forget to take S9 to choir practice, it is NOT his fault. Your *first* reaction when he brought it up to you was to tell him that *he* didn't remind you. When your purse was stolen, you frankly sickened me with the aspersions you were casting about at your friends, children and spouse. You don't have to be introspective, but you do need to be proactive, "what can *we* do to fix that?"
Find ways to communicate with all of us without yelling up and down the stairs or across the house like a ThatBeeYotchWeKnow. It is really unattractive. Get up and talk to us. Don't hollar like we live in a trailer park. It sets a bad example for all of us and you are worst of us all.
Find better ways to interact with us than to command from the couch. Work with us. Show us. When you yell at us (all four) from the couch or even get up to yell at us, we know you'll go back to the couch and ignore us soon enough.
Find room in your heart for others to do things the way they do them. You were not anointed with housekeeping knowledge. Let them be themselves. Give them a goal, let them work. Be more concerned with product than process.
Tell me when YourGayMaleFriend is going to be at the house when I get home. I do NOT want to walk in and find him there unexpectedly. He fails my "Tuesday Test". Set boundaries with YourGayMaleFriend and projects. You are not childless and 20-something. You can't just dash off.
Let me know how/when you want to spend time with me. I feel like no getaway that I ever suggest is good enough. I often don't know if you want to hang out with me. It's like playing with a cat and it's a game that I can't win.
Act like you like me. You want leadership. You want decisiveness. I feel like it's a cheeseless maze. There has to be some positive feedback.
As far as in bed goes, if you know what I'm going to say, why say it?
Well, she replied and it was a mass of vitriol and bile. She was very defensive. I repeated my question on what was *she* willing to do. I set firm boundaries on HerGayMaleFriend. I didn't rise to her bait. I listened. I validated.
She has acres of things that I need to change, but very little to say about her.
Im sorry spin free, Im a little confused, you asked her to lose weight, or she asked you? In the email that you told us about, were you saying that to her, or quoting her?
I wonder if you think that this maybe is really about a different issue and this is just what shes choosing to be vocal about. It seems like its about something else, esp. since she was giving you a hard time even when you did lose weight. Think hard now, is there anything else going on?
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Im sorry spin free, Im a little confused, you asked her to lose weight, or she asked you? In the email that you told us about, were you saying that to her, or quoting her?
Quoting her. She is telling me to lose weight.
Originally Posted By: bluerain
I wonder if you think that this maybe is really about a different issue and this is just what shes choosing to be vocal about. It seems like its about something else, esp. since she was giving you a hard time even when you did lose weight. Think hard now, is there anything else going on?
It's mostly about my job, her lack of a job, stress, money and sex. I'm just not going to let this be her stomping ground.
Even in her vitriol. She dropped the weight thing. I think she gets it. Yeah. Well, off to bed for an hour or two. I'll check in tomorrow. G'night. SF
Thanks Gardener. I cant take original credit for it though, I got it off of a thread I saw on here forever ago. I think that it sums things up nicely though...
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Well, she replied and it was a mass of vitriol and bile. She was very defensive. I repeated my question on what was *she* willing to do. I set firm boundaries on HerGayMaleFriend. I didn't rise to her bait. I listened. I validated.
She has acres of things that I need to change, but very little to say about her.
SF
SF, I RARELY say this on this forum, and it is obviously a pro-marriage board, but my advice to you would be to RUN VERY FAST.
Your wife seems to certainly have her issues, but she isn't here, you are. It seems to me she has given you an important piece of information. She isn't attracted to you at your present weight. Now that is a valid and useful statement. We should try do do the best with what we have to be attractive to our spouses.
What makes no sence to me is why she wasn't attraced to you when you lost all the weight. Perhaps you can remind her what happened the last time you lost weight . . . she wasn't happy either. And considering that fact you don't know why you should bother.
What do you find of value with this woman and why do you want her in your life?
I'm a man . . . But I can change . . . If I have to . . . I guess . . .
