Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[brownidmom]

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So, the last few days and the ones to come until I feel some kind of renewed energy, I am just going to get some rest, as much as I can get while still keeping up my responsibilities, and then work on filling my buckets so I can start to get back to myself, the me that I enjoy spending time with. And then start recognizing what I need daily instead of letting myself get to this place of mental and physical exhaustion. I don't like it and refuse to let it become part of any cycle in my life.

Just beware. That beast wants to recycle and come back. My challenge always seems to be finding it rearing its ugly head earlier and earlier so I can stop it before it gets goin' again (ain't doing such a good job of it myself, though lately!)

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Yes, that ugly beast has been visiting me all too often the last couple of years actually. I went on antidepressants a couple of years ago for about a year or a little more.

I am so much stronger now than I was then, but I still have to decide for sure what the right thing to do is- either stick it out longer for the kids, or end it. Truth is, I am just trying to figure out what is best for them, their parents living in the same house and continuing to do things as a family even though it is obvious that H and I do not have a loving R, or separating and shuttling them back and forth between homes because I am so unhappy that I don't want to do this anymore. Just admitting the latter makes me feel selfish.

bim,[quote=brownidmom]
[quote=brownidmom]By the way. I hear "filling my buckets" often on this forum and I think I can figure out what it means. But I might as well ask and be sure. What does it mean?
Keep going.

I think for most people here, it means filling your LOVE BUCKETS, whatever you need to have- touching, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service- in order to feel loved and comfortable with giving love. What I mean by filling my buckets at this point in time means to be comfortable with myself and my boys and my place in my M, not happy about it, or okay with it, but being okay with my decision to remain where I am right now until I decide for sure which road I will take.

I want to take the high road and hope to be able to do so no matter which decision I go with. I just want to be sure that I am doing what is in my kids' best interest. There isn't anything I won't do for them, regardless of the cost I have to pay for it. I just need to be sure I can not only live with my decision, but justify it to myself now and to my boys later. And KNOW it was the right thing to do.

I haven't been DBing like everyone else here because right now, I am not so sure that is what I want to do. I have gone as dark as possible over the last week. We sleep in different rooms and only talk about the boys and only when necessary. I am not rude by any means, but there is no room for small talk in our M right now. I am not getting ANY of what I need and I am not giving anything in return. What I DO WANT is for the madness to end. I do not want to feel "less than" what I am and allow myself to believe that I don't deserve more. I DO DESERVE to be trusted and appreciated. I DESERVE to love and be loved. AND I WILL, whether it be my H at some point in the future or someone else that is meant to come into my life somewhere down the road.

How do you know when it's the right thing to do vs. fear? Some experienced and wise folk are needed here ASAP!!! Thanks in advance

BIM